I'm losing..

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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Joined: Tue Mar 08, 2022 2:53 pm

I'm losing..

Postby C-L » Tue Mar 08, 2022 3:14 pm

I'm someone who likes control, and when I lose it I lose my mind. I've never been able to control my depression but being able to control little things kept me sane. Lately I haven't been able to do that. Everything I thought I had control of has slipped out of my grasp. Now I'm back where I started with this battle. I'm losing and I don't know how to fix it. I haven't felt like this sense I first earned this wonderful illness. I'm once again the numb nine year old I was before and it hurts. I keep trying to fight it off, taking my medicine, writing in my journal, painting, but NOTHING is working. What do I do now? Let it win? I'm not sure I'm strong enough to beat it this time. My depression, PTSD, anxiety, Insomnia, and chronic stress all formed when I was nine and I started understanding my feelings and understanding what was happening to me. My step dad raped me when I was six and he wouldn't stop and my mom told me I was the liar. Me? a little girl who didn't even understand what was happening to her lying? I was so confused and so I brushed it off. Until one day at school when kids were making sex noises and making jokes. Honestly I felt normal for once, maybe this happens to everyone? but when I asked and was told they heard it on tv I finally started to understand what was going on and that nine year old girl and six year old girl became one and I started to drift. I began to feel alone. It wasn't okay what he did and nobody believed me when I told. Every damn time I said something I was the bad guy. He didn't stop until I was 15. I then ran away and ended up back home. I started getting aggressive and began taking pills then pills turned into cutting my wrists and then it turned it to plotting my suicide. This went on for years until I met this girl and I fell in love with being around her and her family a real family. Then she let me go she said she hated being my friend. The spiral started again. Then a few weeks later I meant a girl and I was hesitant at first until her and her family invited me in. She was uncomfortable at first sharing her family but we became sisters not long after. I still feel like the girl staying the night but I love them. It was good I was happy and smiling. I'm not anymore depression just came back and the girls mom told me to get out of the past but he's there when I sleep and when I'm going to school and when I am just driving down the road. I can't escape what's still here. So I've started cutting again I just need to feel something. Anything I just want to feel. Is that so bad? I'm numb. I miss the me before him the me who was witty and outgoing now I want to sleep and never wake up. Maybe I'll die soon. I don't have the energy to keep fighting this time. I've used all the strength I have and it's not going away. I'm losing and honestly I think I've already lost. I really just wanted to vent for a moment.

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