I don't want to be here

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useranonymous
Posts: 60
Joined: Mon Jul 06, 2020 1:11 pm

I don't want to be here

Postby useranonymous » Tue Jan 04, 2022 11:37 am

I don't know why I feel so down. I've hit rock bottom. I feel like a really bad mother all the time now. My daughter was particularly difficult to deal with on Christmas day. In her defence she was very ill, she had a bad cough, lost her appetite and kept being sick, which as you can imagine caused me a considerable amount of stress and worry trying to figure out what was wrong. I believe her illness contributed towards her difficult behaviour Christmas day at that in law's house. She was crying and whinging the whole day, if you looked at at her it was blatantly clear she wasn't very well. The in laws didn't help my state of mind telling me I needed to be harder on her. They are also the type to gossip about others (including family) behind your back. So now all I can imagine is that we left there Christmas day and I was being talked about. I talked, well tried to talk to my husband about how Christmas day made me feel and he got cross with me and said how I have a problem with his dad and what do I expect him to do.

Everytime I talk to him about my anxiety and depression, he says I need to get help and gets cross when I say I feel like I'm a worthless person and I can't understand why God has placed me on this planet when I'm so effing useless and a bad mother. But seriously, I just can't understand why I'm here, why I was ever here.

I'm also feeling like a bad person for moving a 40 minute drive away from my family. I miss them and hate living here now. We moved further away as I couldn't return to work after having my daughter due to family not offering enough childcare. (When I say not enough, they were saying just an hour here or there and my job was 30 hours and even when I said I could cut my hours down to 12 hours they still said just an hour here or there). We wanted to buy a house and couldn't afford one near family and nobody could really help with that either. But I regret moving now and I'm actually blaming myself for upsetting my family now. I feel I'm the one that left and I've hurt everyone and deserve my unhappiness.

I've just also experienced a miscarriage. I was only 3 or 4 weeks but I'm quite upset about it. My husband hasn't even asked me how I feel about it. We are trying but honestly I don't know why. I'm already the world's worst mother.

I've spoken to husband about me going back to work. I've said because of his long hours I'm very limited to what I can do. He starts work at 7am and leaves home at 6am to get there. Hes then not back until after 6pm. I've said my only option is very late evenings or nights. He's said he doesn't want me doing nights and just to get a day job part time while daughter is at nursery. She's only there 1 full day and 2 mornings as 1 they don't spaces any other days at the moment for her and 2 they are not open all day everyday. So I explained to him I'd have to find a day job where I work 9am to 11:30sm every Monday and Tuesday and 9am to 2:30 pm every Wednesday. Believe me, I've been searching and searching thr internet for near to local jobs with those precise hours and there are not any. Also my family havent ever offered childcare for me to go back to work and now we live 40 minutes away. Also husband not allowing me to work nights. So I don't know what he expects me to do exactly, does anyone else? The only job I've found I could do to work around his long hours is either working every weekend both days which them we'd never get time together or a cleaning job at KFC starting at 9pm and finishing at 12am. I asked if he could maybe adjust his hours and stsrt an hour later or be home like 2 hours earlier as it would open up my options slot more. But he said his hours are his hours and can't be changed

I don't feel strong anymore. I'm fed up of going out smiling pretending I'm ok living in an area I hate. I literally have no purpose in life. I have nobody to talk to about all this, it's just all building up and getting worse. All I hope for everytime I get low is that at least god knows what's going on in my head and is going to find a way to guide me because I'm completely bloody lost right now and can't figure out my existence.

I need some help. I don't know where to look. I feel like everything is my fault. I can't tell my husband what his faults ate, he says I'm avoiding putting my hands up and he laughs or gets irate with me. I don't know what to do anymore. Does anyone know what I should do? I'm just sat here crying again. I feel like the only answer is to walk in the kitchen, take an overdose and be done with it or just leave and not come back. Somebody please help me

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