There’s a very limited number of people I think I can truly talk to.
Even less than limited
I wouldn’t say to anyone - feeling low, I need to talk- because I may be interrupting their lives.
So today, after a rather ok-ish day (got up after 9 am, opened windows, let the fresh air in, managed to speak to my mum); the late afternoon came and early evening which weren’t as fine.
I have a friend who is sort of there for me. Sort of- because , well, because I know I am a strong person and it’s hard to ask for help, and people may have (or do have) this conception of me being strong all the time.
Anyways, my daughter’s cat has been diagnosed with aggressive liver cancer - I sent my friend a message. (She used to cat sit for me when work was taking me away or when travelling.)
She immediately called me and I asked her if she’d pop in maybe today?
I felt good and I thought I can manage seeing her.
We had a conversation some time ago (August?) and I told her I’m struggling etc but I try to keep myself in check and rather not let people know. She was very sympathetic as she went through the same (I’m a crap friend- I haven’t noticed but there are some other factors; we’re close in my universe not hers)
Anyways, after me half asking, she said she’s going to her friend’s dog’s 1st birthday! WTAF?!
I haven’t seen her in a long time (over a year?). and it was really an effort for me to ask.
I joked that I cannot believe a dog’s birthday is more ‘important’ than catching up with me (something along those lines).
Then I did try to find someone to chat to but no one was responding or was ‘available’.
That reminded me of to things.
One- a question from mental health people- do you have family/friends to talk to?
Yes, I do have family/friends. To talk to? Maybe when it suits their time (except for my Mum but she is an elderly person and seriously- not up for dealing with my crap).
As I said, I’ve made myself as this strong fighting person over the years; advising others; being there for others. Not needing help.
So I don’t blame them for not treating me as a priority/or in serious troubles. The fact I don’t talk about doesn’t help either.
Second thing- over a year ago, on 1 Jan ’20 I got a call because a person who I knew and was fairly close with, was talking about suicide and having a knife in hand. Crying, bubbling etc. I was in bed but I got up and went there to talk to the person. To listen, ask questions, let cry. No judgment on my part whatsoever. Things may happen and we are all under pressure, especially this person.
I was the only person that came to other’s mind to contact.
I found out later the person ended up in hospital at one point with mental breakdown. That sucks
My point- I don’t want people to gather around me when I break down or do something silly.
I don’t have guts or courage to ask for’ being there’ for me. As I said-everyone has own problems and lives and I simply cannot expect it.
ANd I am more here and now person. It may not be needed later, or (black scenario) it may be simply too late.
But I do feel a tad of disappointment when people declare ‘I’ll be there for you’ and then not getting really interested-not drilling/asking questions and thinking ‘maybe I should be there for her ‘. Again, blame myself for creating the image.
Years ago I ended up in hospital. Difficult, it was. Out for 2-3 days (unconscious etc) and the only person who’s left messages on my phone was my boss; I didn’t turn up for work.
I blame myself because I am not best at keeping in touch; especially when things are not going ok. I’m like a snail-hiding in my fragile shell.
My point of tonight- a bit disappointed but this brings a question- why to make an effort to let people know how I feel? Pointless.
I do think the question should be changed to a simple- do you think you have a support system? Because asking me about family and friends to talk to- there’s a burden on them. I don’t want it. Because it’s like blaming them for something they haven’t had a clue.
And frankly, I think I’m pretty good at leaving people clueless.
Sometimes the intervention/support is needed here and now. And there’s none I can see.
I went to search for depression/anxiety/mental health type of chats- there are many. Not used (e.g Mind)
I chatted online with Samaritans last week so I tried tonight to find some wisdom h2w to deal with a situation when I feel ‘rejected’ by friends.
No chat. I am not comfortable to talk on the phone. . I ‘d prefer someone to be out there to chat. But that’s me.
This is how I feel-shitty in myself; not worth getting more attention (I know some people would disagree but again- it would be post factum) and generally not worth anything.
Not having work is another blow; some health issues is yet another and then comes the question-what’s the f****** point?
I said to the mental health assessor- if it wasn’t for my mum, and my daughter, I would have been done years ago.
They are the two threads I’m hanging on to and desperately hanging to because they do deserve better from me. I want my Mum to die a happy person, and I want my daughter (ADHD) to see you can live and take on life despite difficulties it throws at you. Or when you feel smacked left right and centre.
Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.
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