suicidal thoughts and what brought me here

[taylorr]

My story isn't really interesting at all. I have been to multiple other forums/chatrooms for depression and suicide, there aren't many that are active and the few ones that are active don't have good modding or censor any mention of suicide which is annoying. When I first had suicidal thoughts I went onto google and searched for suicide chat rooms and clicked on the first few links that showed up. Unfortunately, one of the first things that showed up was a room owned by this man named josh who goes by isaac, and he's one of the most awful people I have ever met. He sent me death threats and said some of the grossest things I've ever heard (r*pe threats and abuse). I just wanted to talk to people like me and I ran into one of the worst people i've ever met in my life. I've also been on the depression forum on reddit but there isn't anything helpful there. Most people in that forum have family and friends who care about them and being there just made me feel more isolated because I couldn't relate to them. People seem to only respond to those who have more to live for.

So anyways I started having suicidal thoughts around 12 years old because I didn't have any friends, but I assumed my life would eventually get better, but it hasn't. I spent most of my childhood playing tomb raider and the sims and being by myself. When i was in elementary school (around 2nd grade) I used to really like reading and always wanted to be a genius and write my own books and make art. I haven't been able to read a book sense around 4th grade because I started getting so down I became unable to focus on anything. Even in 4th grade I remember being alone during recess and my teacher coming up to me and asking me why I was always alone, it was pretty embarrassing. I still deal with loneliness a lot. If anyone here can relate let me know, I'm open to talk to practically anyone.

[faytetaru]

hello, i hope this reply reaches you.. mine also started young, due to abuse.. so young in fact, i don’t remember being the utterly elusive, yet seemingly obtrusive “happy.” at least not until my daughter was born.. i had no plans or hopes for the future, besides having a daughter. for some asinine reason i thought i, of all f****** people, could give my child a better life than i had. wasn’t until my marriage was falling apart that i heard the phrase can give love if you don’t love yourself.. when i hears this i thought well that just sounds nice, it’s not real. i’ve never loved myself, i hate myself in fact. i’m not good enough and whatnot.. i always thought i was capable of loving and in fact i do love my daughter more than anything i ever have or will. as much as i love her though, i’m not good for her, she see’s me sad, knows something’s wrong, even comforts me.. she shouldn’t be at that stage at 5 years old… i read someone else say they wanna pick who best to raise their child and leave with them, then kill themselves in the hope that their child will grow up happier and not burdened as they are.. well i did the first part, the leaving song, it’s been 4 months since i’ve seen my baby girl aside from facetime.. it’s the hardest thing i’ve been through, these past few months, lonely, so lonely, and painful. i’m so ready… honestly i don’t think there is anything left for me in this world…

[JoAnn9569]

Hello: Hope this reply reaches you both. I feel like I have always been anxious and depressed, even at a young age. I am now in my 50’s and since February have been having great difficulty dealing with life. What little family I have try to be supportive but it just doesn’t seem to be helping me. I struggle to get through every day. Hoping to find some good chat friends on this forum to help us get through our days.

[Pau]

Hi, I actually start the suicidal thoughts when I was in 7th grade because I feel like I'm so useless that I can't be like my siblings who are smart. I feel like I'm not enough and will never be enough but hope you will have a great day and just keep holding on because you deserve the whole world ( sorry if my grammar is wrong English is not my first language.