Depression Understood Forums

Trigger warning: self-harm; suicidal thoughts
I'm not sure why I'm posting here of all places. It's just not something I can talk to with my family and friends yet and I feel like people here would more likely understand.
I haven't been myself for almost two years now. Being in college during this pandemic and everything that's been happening has basically sucked the life out of me. I feel hopeless and helpless and have no motivation to do anything. I just want to die. I know it's bad but I do. And I feel terrible for feeling this way. I have a good loving family, plenty of friends that care about me, I'm in my dream university studying my dream college course. But I feel like shit. I don't think I deserve any of it. I feel stupid, ugly, and I think I'm a horrible person who constantly lets other people down. My low self esteem has aggravated since we basically don't have school breaks for more than a year now and I've been feeling burnt out. I've been working hard everyday but it seems like it's all for nothing. I'm barely passing my classes. Recently, I've been finding it hard to do anything at all. I haven't done any work for a week and my school work are now all late and have been piling up with exams. I've been spending my days sleeping and watching youtube videos. I feel so miserable that I started physically hurting myself. I feel embarrassed and ashamed by this.
I want to quit school and take a break for a while. I'm afraid my mental health would get so bad that I might actually give in to my suicidal thoughts and end my life. I don't want to put my grandparents through that. But I'm also afraid to tell them that I want to take a break from school. We're not rich although we're not very poor either. But I'm a scholar in a prestigious university studying a premedical degree. They've been so proud of me and think I'm doing well. They look forward to seeing me graduate on time and think I'll be the first doctor in the family. Frankly, I'm not even sure I want to be a doctor anymore. They have such high hopes for me that I feel so bad if I would be letting them down. And if ever doctors find that I do have depression, treatment and therapy are expensive. I'd feel much worse being such a burden to everyone. I'm also afraid to admit that I've been having suicidal thoughts and have even physically hurt myself as I come from a conservative country. I think my family will react negatively and I would end up breaking their hearts. I also don't want my friends to worry about me which I'm sure they would if they find out. Can someone help me whether I should just suck it up for the next few months and just force myself to push through or if I should ask for help and take a break from school? I would really appreciate any response. Thank you.

Hello.
I honestly don’t know what it’s the best decision for you right now. Somehow i’ve been through this when i was in high school. It was my least year, but I tried to kill myself. I ended up in hospital. And then again, I started to cut myself. I fought with this for so long. And I ended up in hospital again. In a mental hospital. I was there for like a month and i would’ve stayed there much longer but I begged my family to get me out of there. Nobody wanted to help. They were afraid I might end up trying to kill myself again so no one wanted to take this responsability. Being considered “crazy” I wasn’t able to make my own decisions. But somehow my mom decided to help.
I felt miserable. I skipped classes a lot even though in a few months i had to take my final exams and prepare for college. I wanted to quit. I didnt feel capable of taking my exams and then prepare to move alone for college. But everybody kept on insisting, pushing me to keep going. I did, for them. Because they seemed to trust me. To have faith that I am going to do good. And I actually did, I also finished college but every single day was horrible. And i regretted my decision. Struggling with the thoughts you have takes everything from you. Everything. Dont know if i would ever do that again.

The decision belongs entirely to you. Maybe this isnt important anymore. What you are going to do regarding your studies. Maybe what is important right know is to fight for yourself, for your life. You are not a burden, i know you feel like you are. But you’re actually a warrior. A true one. And I believe you can win. Doesnt matter how. Just keep going and resisting. Killing yourself in the middle of your battle means taking your chances of winning it. You can actually win it, if you don’t give up. It is difficult, consuming, heartbreaking, but it is worth it. I mean its your heart we are talking about. You are worth it.
I think you should talk to someone you really trust about this. You have to. It will really help. But be careful with who you decide to talk. There are people you may go for help, for a hand that can save you, only to find out that they would do anything to keep you down. Ask for help not because you are not strong enough to fight but because fighting with someone by your side gives you the strenght you need.

It is not easy. It is not meant to be easy.
Please take care of yourself.

Hello when I was in grade 12 at high school I thought I wouldn’t graduate from high school because I didn’t have my volunteer hours which is mandatory for high school students in my country I was planning to dropout out of high school but my parents said no you will get your volunteer hours which I did during the exam period helping one of my teacher with stuff and managed to graduate from high school with a 2.67 gpa.

Hey hey,

Sometimes you want to stay and never study

I'm really sorry to hear that you're feeling this way about school. It might help to talk to a counselor or someone you trust about what's making you consider quitting. Additionally, if you're struggling with assignments, using a literature review writer online could provide some support and alleviate some of the pressure you're experiencing. Remember, you're not alone, and there are resources available to help you through this tough time.

Suggestions

1.Relinquish decission making for yourself to your most rational friend till the melancholy passes.

2.Actively search for a hobbie that sparks passion. Learn to weld and create.

3.Seekout a stranger that's also alone in the darkness. To talk to. Bounce thoughts off of. Helping eachother be distracted till you find the path out.

Like this. I'll trade you intersting stories.

When I was 14 I was a waiter and barback in a dive bar. Town only had 120 people. They had a scratcher lotto machine in the hallway. One day I won 100 bucks. So EVERYBODY gave me the money to get tickets after that. If that lost then oh well. If they won I got my 50%. Lost 20 out of the 100 I won getting hustled with a bar trick. "Bet you I can make this beer bottle stick the wall" your on. Damn. He did it.