isn't life beautiful ?

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

Moderators: windsong, BlueGobi, Moderators, vince13, Maelstrom, Astrid

mywords
Posts: 16
Joined: Sat Nov 14, 2020 7:01 pm

isn't life beautiful ?

Postby mywords » Fri May 14, 2021 11:32 pm

I still have some examen left before finishing this last semester, i'm getting so close to the end but i can't seemed to see the end of the tunnel. This year has been so eventful emotionally and physically for me . My first time in university, my first failure. My younger self was always told that "you will do great things in life" "it's gonna be easy for you" "you have always been good" "it's easy because you're intelligent" "you have it easy don't you" "you're good why are so scared" "have you ever made any mistakes?" "you're so mature for your age".... I don't know how i feel right now to be honest . I had heard so much bs in my life growing up but i was ressured that i'll be good enough if i'm the best at everything i do, this is my worth and will always be. I realized that i didn't like what i'm doing, my major, i feel like i'm repeating myself, but i decided to push myself as hard as i can . Neverless i'll put on the biggest smile for show , tell my closest friends or anyone to stay strong, we got this, we have to be optimitic , everything will be alright and if they need to talk or vent out i'll be there to support them and make them feel loved as they should , that how i am right? I'm strong willed, collected, cold-headed and overly confident, that's how most ppl see me . But after i will feel alone and miserable, and cry myself to sleep every night only then to wake up being optimistic as ever because complaining was never and willl never be an option . For months i forced myself that "it's okay to not do what i like even if i don't know" "you should be grateful" "you shouldn't complain ppl have it worst" "you always do good what's different now" "just clench your teeth hard enough" "you can do it " "you have to do better" "do better be better than them". It's became a sickly habit of mine , like a never ending road , then we were in Chrimas holidays before i knew it . After beeing so self destrutive for so many years i decide there. I will stop being miserable , and start a new life but it's not that easy, right? My non-exisiting self-esteem, self hate, bottle up emotions, a toxic household and toxic relationships....I choose to start a new life by looking out for myself because protecting myself is self care, or so i read. I cut off ppl who made me feel shitty and happy at the time, from me being miserable and worthless before bringing my hopes high to the sky only to make me feel like i can been forgotten so easily . After that i did what i usuallly do : fixed the crack they made on one of my walls , rebuilding them stronger that ever , and made anyone who dare to be a piece of trash to me understand how easily i can erase them and still go on with my life like nothing happened. I'm still in a toxic househould, you don't choose your family , right? But aren't they suppposed to make you feel loved and accepted, and not feel like a burden they are tired of but they can't seemed to let go because you belong to them? I can't manage to put myself first because i feel guilty and never learned to do. I can't even cry my heart out when i'm ripped in pieces because i fear ppl eyes and opinions so i cry silently at night , i keep it to myselft that how i learned to bottle up my emotions , to keep them in check. I have the chance to go away but i can't bring myself to do so because i'm worried about them. I'm exhausted to play along, acting as if i hadn't been hurt by them being awful to me then being nice again and repeating that circle. I feel like i should repay my parents for raising me, do to so i have to be close to them. They made me understand many times how tired of me they are and how much everything will be so much better if i was away , that's why i tried so hard to graduate from highschool, why can they just let me go ? If one of you saw me now you will never imagine how worn out i am inside . My heart hurts , so much you know, as cringing as it sounds, at least to me. I find it fascinating how easy you can hide your thoughts or feelings by labeling yourself as insensible to words and actions to ease the pain a little, acting indifferent to every little things . I want be happy but i don't even know how, i can't even be angry because i feel guilty to do so or fear confrontation so i keep it to myself. According to some i have it easy and always did , many look up to me because that's how i am , right? I sound arrongant don't i? But even so i have to do better....isn't life beautiful ?
Last edited by mywords on Mon May 17, 2021 12:53 pm, edited 5 times in total.

Tealeaves
Posts: 75
Joined: Wed May 05, 2021 3:54 am

Re: isn't life beautiful ?

Postby Tealeaves » Tue Jun 08, 2021 7:57 am

Hello,
It's amazing how even a positive childhood can screw us up; just as much, as a negative one.
You're so built up now; you don't know how to fall.

It's like, when you first learn how to ride a bike. Not only are you learning how to properly, operate the bike and stay balanced; but also, and just as important; what to do when you fall
how to fall
And, that it is okay to fall.

So now, you might be thinking okay, sounds reasonable; but what do I do now?
Well it may sound silly; but do it. Go in the backyard (in the dark, if you don't want anyone to know what you're doing) and hop on a bike. Go slow and fall over; then pick up speed and fall over. Yes, you're going to get scrapes and bruises; even on grass; and you're brain is probably going to try and stop you (because that's like self harm and brain is supposed to be protecting you) but, tell it, you're the boss and it's time for you to learn;
How to fall
And, that's it's okay to fall.
Good luck!

mywords
Posts: 16
Joined: Sat Nov 14, 2020 7:01 pm

Re: isn't life beautiful ?

Postby mywords » Sun Jul 04, 2021 10:52 pm

Sorry for the late replay, tbh I was still hesitant even now but reading this give hope and courage to do so . I will do it, I'm ready to fall even if it's get hard who cares ? I will definitely get up by myself once again . Thank you .


Return to “Your Story”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 361 guests