random things that happened
Posted: Thu Apr 22, 2021 8:10 am
tw : self harm
I've always had a high social anxiety since I was a child. At first it was fine, I just considered myself as being shy round people. But during my first year of high school, I had a really bad anxiety attack before going to school and I don't know how to cope. The thoughts of meeting new people at school just scared me really bad. I found a needle on one of my drawers and starts scratching my arm for a way to cope and it just became a habit. Sometimes if I cant find anything I'll just use my nails, or hit my own head with my fist. I don't know why I did it, perhaps I just want to punish myself for feeling that way. It continues after a while, and I always do it before going to school, then it stopped for a quite long time after I found a really good friends that helped me enjoy school.
When I thought I was getting better, an upperclassman asked me to join the student council at my second year of high school because they need someone who can do graphic design. And I thought it was a good opportunity for myself to meet new people and try to feel okay in a social occasions. But student council was harsher than school, I couldn't get along with anyone there so I rarely go to their meetings or parties. I would be very quiet or didn't even say anything in those events. And after I went home from those meetings I'd be banging my head to the wall or cut my wrist if I feel worse. It feels like I never belonged there. I started turning off my phone more often, and I'd be having a panic attack if I saw a new message pop off. And I guess they started to hate me for being so hard to reach out. We once had a meeting for a school event and I was so anxious about it and I couldn't really sleep all week, I cut my wrist with a new cutter after a new one is a bit rusty and cry myself constantly. I thought about overdosing on drugs but then I thought that I'll have to put up with this eventually and nothing is gonna change that. I felt really dramatic for thinking about that and cringe myself everyday now.
A few months later on my second year of high school, my mum forced me to go to a teenage neighborhood meeting. When I came in the room and saw all the people there, I feel like I started to have a trouble with breathing. My pulse was beating so fast and I feel like they're all staring with me even though they don't. It feels like I'm in a big room with giants, and I'm the tiny man there. I ran out without anyone noticing and went to this nearby convenience store while still trying to breath properly, I bought a cutter with my spare money and went home and started to cut my wrist in the back of my house. Those events lead to me having a really bad mental breakdown. I felt so guilty for feeling this way and not being able to connect with everyone else. I cried hard that night and cut my wrist for 24 times. My left arm was trembling and I was scared, but I went to sleep whispering wishful things to myself and sleep it off.
But it never get better, school, student council, and normal social occasions tire me out. I can't stop cutting myself to cope, and every time I cut myself, it was always deeper than before and I can't seem to have any other coping mechanism for this. Everyday I feel so anxious and I can't really feel relaxed even on weekends.
So in my last year of high school, I tried reaching out for help. I told my mother about my condition. She cried and told me not to do these stuff anymore. She said she's sorry for everything. She said that even though it's hard I just had to endure it, which is right I guess. She told me that reaching out to psychiatrist is dumb because it'll make me worse. She said that this is part of puberty and that everyone else experience it too and that I should just tell here if there's anything wrong. I thought I'd feel relived after telling my mum about it. But I didn't really feel anything. I didn't really get better or anything after that, I still have self harm tendencies and hurt myself constantly. I mean, yeah, this kinda sucks, or maybe not. I don't really know what to do now.
I've always had a high social anxiety since I was a child. At first it was fine, I just considered myself as being shy round people. But during my first year of high school, I had a really bad anxiety attack before going to school and I don't know how to cope. The thoughts of meeting new people at school just scared me really bad. I found a needle on one of my drawers and starts scratching my arm for a way to cope and it just became a habit. Sometimes if I cant find anything I'll just use my nails, or hit my own head with my fist. I don't know why I did it, perhaps I just want to punish myself for feeling that way. It continues after a while, and I always do it before going to school, then it stopped for a quite long time after I found a really good friends that helped me enjoy school.
When I thought I was getting better, an upperclassman asked me to join the student council at my second year of high school because they need someone who can do graphic design. And I thought it was a good opportunity for myself to meet new people and try to feel okay in a social occasions. But student council was harsher than school, I couldn't get along with anyone there so I rarely go to their meetings or parties. I would be very quiet or didn't even say anything in those events. And after I went home from those meetings I'd be banging my head to the wall or cut my wrist if I feel worse. It feels like I never belonged there. I started turning off my phone more often, and I'd be having a panic attack if I saw a new message pop off. And I guess they started to hate me for being so hard to reach out. We once had a meeting for a school event and I was so anxious about it and I couldn't really sleep all week, I cut my wrist with a new cutter after a new one is a bit rusty and cry myself constantly. I thought about overdosing on drugs but then I thought that I'll have to put up with this eventually and nothing is gonna change that. I felt really dramatic for thinking about that and cringe myself everyday now.
A few months later on my second year of high school, my mum forced me to go to a teenage neighborhood meeting. When I came in the room and saw all the people there, I feel like I started to have a trouble with breathing. My pulse was beating so fast and I feel like they're all staring with me even though they don't. It feels like I'm in a big room with giants, and I'm the tiny man there. I ran out without anyone noticing and went to this nearby convenience store while still trying to breath properly, I bought a cutter with my spare money and went home and started to cut my wrist in the back of my house. Those events lead to me having a really bad mental breakdown. I felt so guilty for feeling this way and not being able to connect with everyone else. I cried hard that night and cut my wrist for 24 times. My left arm was trembling and I was scared, but I went to sleep whispering wishful things to myself and sleep it off.
But it never get better, school, student council, and normal social occasions tire me out. I can't stop cutting myself to cope, and every time I cut myself, it was always deeper than before and I can't seem to have any other coping mechanism for this. Everyday I feel so anxious and I can't really feel relaxed even on weekends.
So in my last year of high school, I tried reaching out for help. I told my mother about my condition. She cried and told me not to do these stuff anymore. She said she's sorry for everything. She said that even though it's hard I just had to endure it, which is right I guess. She told me that reaching out to psychiatrist is dumb because it'll make me worse. She said that this is part of puberty and that everyone else experience it too and that I should just tell here if there's anything wrong. I thought I'd feel relived after telling my mum about it. But I didn't really feel anything. I didn't really get better or anything after that, I still have self harm tendencies and hurt myself constantly. I mean, yeah, this kinda sucks, or maybe not. I don't really know what to do now.