random things that happened

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

Moderators: windsong, BlueGobi, Moderators, vince13, Maelstrom, Astrid

nikoextnct
Posts: 1
Joined: Thu Apr 22, 2021 7:01 am

random things that happened

Postby nikoextnct » Thu Apr 22, 2021 8:10 am

tw : self harm
I've always had a high social anxiety since I was a child. At first it was fine, I just considered myself as being shy round people. But during my first year of high school, I had a really bad anxiety attack before going to school and I don't know how to cope. The thoughts of meeting new people at school just scared me really bad. I found a needle on one of my drawers and starts scratching my arm for a way to cope and it just became a habit. Sometimes if I cant find anything I'll just use my nails, or hit my own head with my fist. I don't know why I did it, perhaps I just want to punish myself for feeling that way. It continues after a while, and I always do it before going to school, then it stopped for a quite long time after I found a really good friends that helped me enjoy school.

When I thought I was getting better, an upperclassman asked me to join the student council at my second year of high school because they need someone who can do graphic design. And I thought it was a good opportunity for myself to meet new people and try to feel okay in a social occasions. But student council was harsher than school, I couldn't get along with anyone there so I rarely go to their meetings or parties. I would be very quiet or didn't even say anything in those events. And after I went home from those meetings I'd be banging my head to the wall or cut my wrist if I feel worse. It feels like I never belonged there. I started turning off my phone more often, and I'd be having a panic attack if I saw a new message pop off. And I guess they started to hate me for being so hard to reach out. We once had a meeting for a school event and I was so anxious about it and I couldn't really sleep all week, I cut my wrist with a new cutter after a new one is a bit rusty and cry myself constantly. I thought about overdosing on drugs but then I thought that I'll have to put up with this eventually and nothing is gonna change that. I felt really dramatic for thinking about that and cringe myself everyday now.

A few months later on my second year of high school, my mum forced me to go to a teenage neighborhood meeting. When I came in the room and saw all the people there, I feel like I started to have a trouble with breathing. My pulse was beating so fast and I feel like they're all staring with me even though they don't. It feels like I'm in a big room with giants, and I'm the tiny man there. I ran out without anyone noticing and went to this nearby convenience store while still trying to breath properly, I bought a cutter with my spare money and went home and started to cut my wrist in the back of my house. Those events lead to me having a really bad mental breakdown. I felt so guilty for feeling this way and not being able to connect with everyone else. I cried hard that night and cut my wrist for 24 times. My left arm was trembling and I was scared, but I went to sleep whispering wishful things to myself and sleep it off.
But it never get better, school, student council, and normal social occasions tire me out. I can't stop cutting myself to cope, and every time I cut myself, it was always deeper than before and I can't seem to have any other coping mechanism for this. Everyday I feel so anxious and I can't really feel relaxed even on weekends.

So in my last year of high school, I tried reaching out for help. I told my mother about my condition. She cried and told me not to do these stuff anymore. She said she's sorry for everything. She said that even though it's hard I just had to endure it, which is right I guess. She told me that reaching out to psychiatrist is dumb because it'll make me worse. She said that this is part of puberty and that everyone else experience it too and that I should just tell here if there's anything wrong. I thought I'd feel relived after telling my mum about it. But I didn't really feel anything. I didn't really get better or anything after that, I still have self harm tendencies and hurt myself constantly. I mean, yeah, this kinda sucks, or maybe not. I don't really know what to do now.

Chuck Wood
Posts: 18
Joined: Thu Aug 20, 2020 6:32 pm

Re: random things that happened

Postby Chuck Wood » Thu May 06, 2021 7:01 pm

Just keep in mind that each time you have these pains is the perfect time to practice coping with them even if we come up with no improvements. Everytime we try, we succeed. Everytime we may fail, we learn. Acceptance of what can't (truthfully) be fixable does wonders for our life perspectives. We are dealt the cards only we can have. The miraculous ability any of us can learn is what to do with those cards. Life will feel a bit better if we can change our view toward healthy goals. Invest in ourselves, don't sell ourselves short. You can do this, give yourseslf time and optomism. A very powerful state of mind is accepting "why" things happen and to be truthful with ourselves.

Tealeaves
Posts: 75
Joined: Wed May 05, 2021 3:54 am

Re: random things that happened

Postby Tealeaves » Sun May 09, 2021 12:07 pm

Hello,
I am not a doctor, but I do like to help

First, I believe that you do need help. You need a doctor, a counselor; someone that you can confide in. There may be something more going on, and they may be able to figure it out.

It's tough when the people around us; especially the ones that care about us the most; do not understand, what we are going through. Parents do not have all the answers. It's just like, when a kid, falls and skins their knee. The parents say " come on, you're okay, get up and walk it off." It's not because they are a bad parent; they just want you to learn; sometimes life hurts; and you just gotta walk if off. (And don't we wish our mental stuff, was like a skinned knee; that we could just walk it off. The popsicle helps too).

So, I think your first step...oh wait; you already took the first step; you asked for help.

The next step, is the doctor or counselor. I don't know what kind of relationship you have with mom but, it sounds like you want her involved (btw, good plan, you need someone that cares, in your corner) so after you have a few sessions; bring in mom. Now she'll be able to understand what is, and has been; going on with you.

Well, there is always more to say but for now, if the above plan sounds good to you; then it's time for you to do step 2

Good luck!


Return to “Your Story”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Majestic-12 [Bot] and 319 guests