Venting... I guess?

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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Hern14
Posts: 1
Joined: Mon Apr 05, 2021 10:20 pm

Venting... I guess?

Postby Hern14 » Mon Apr 05, 2021 11:02 pm

Hi there. I never thought I would ever decide to do this ever but... here I am. I'll start off with saying that I gave up on suicide, but I still think about dark situations and I got a pretty dark personality from laughing those thoughts off. I wanted to post this solely to convince myself I should stop sulking in a dark room and just do my college homework, so bare with me... I never cared about how much I was forgotten in my life, gave up on the idea of having a real friend who I could trust and wouldn't get used from, stopped trusting family members since most have mental issues or just did too much drugs, and I... just hate myself too much to bother with anything anymore.

Right now, the few hobbies I managed to get from coping with this all by myself are listening to voiceless video game music and story writing, but the depression took away the enjoyment I had with playing video games. I don't know why, but hearing voices in any voices in a song, including radio songs, some video game songs and just popular songs with voices in them, I could never enjoy them. I only ever enjoy the beat in the background like drums or the bass, so voiceless music is really relaxing to me. Like I mentioned in the title, I'm really only typing this right now to vent and hopefully stop wasting so much time sitting down and ignoring some things I need to take care of; and yes, I know it's counter intuitive to be typing this out instead, but I wanted to write down my thoughts and clear them out before focusing on homework.

I lived my whole life afraid of everything, my parents overprotected me I think, then grew to hate people and social interaction, then I became tired of living in fear and tried to stop being terrified of everything by getting used to everything that made me afraid. But after I stopped being shy and scared, I realized I had no one who ever stood by my side or really helped me... My parents never really worried about me since I apparently hid the truth from them for so long and I deceived myself into thinking I had a future worth living. I've had too much time to think to myself and I even wrote logs on my phone about things I realized over the years that made me give up on people, friends, family, and just myself. I gave up on suicide because I don't think I deserve to kill myself... but every time something dangerous happens or I feel like I'm in slow motion from something happening, I find myself accepting it and staring at whatever comes my way. It slowly became a poker face when I was scared from something dumb.

All I feel everyday is a looming feeling of worthlessness and the fact that no one has ever cared about me. Whenever someone compliments me from work, from family or just a random message from an ad or achievement, I always treated those words as empty lies or forced kindness. I might say something witty or ignore the entire sentence entirely and move on. I never felt anything genuine before and I don't think I trust anyone's words anymore, and I don't want to. I don't care anymore. I just want to give up.

If I ever got the chance to choose how I lived... it would be myself sitting in a dark and empty room on the ground, a fan blowing and a single blanket to sleep under, and just sleep... If there was anything else, I would choose to have a phone or laptop to listen to music or watch something to cheer me up and pass the time. All I want is to be alone, but I'm tired of holding myself down because of my mental state telling me I don't deserve to try to put in any effort anymore in my life and just sitting around and giving up, ignoring things that could be helpful to have in the future, that is if I continue to laugh off any suicidal thoughts.

I'll be honest and say that I don't have a psychiatrist or have had any kind of counseling before, but if I did, I wonder if I would qualify for a social security disability. I know I probably wouldn't, so I just gave up on the idea of any kind of therapy, hoping I could just walk off these thoughts and see if they would slowly go away or I would get used to them.

I'm stopping myself from drafting this and I'm just going to post this as is, since any kind of advice or support would really help, but forgive me if I don't respond or check on this after posting it.

CamGirl
Posts: 143
Joined: Mon Dec 04, 2017 2:04 am

Re: Venting... I guess?

Postby CamGirl » Wed Apr 07, 2021 7:48 pm

Hi. I hope you're doing okay. Can't say I know how you feel, but don't think you are alone. You are in a battle with life and yourself. I hope you find the courage and motivation to pull yourself up. If you have a passion for writing, why not pursue it? It doesn't matter if it's a masterpiece or not, anything that comes from the heart is great. You may never know. You were to experience all this to write something extraordinary out of it. Wishing you well.

wishingrainbows
Posts: 2
Joined: Tue May 04, 2021 6:56 pm

Re: Venting... I guess?

Postby wishingrainbows » Tue May 04, 2021 7:21 pm

You are not alone. I do hope you feel at peace with yourself soon.
I have been struggling with very similar feelings and thoughts.... it's not easy.

When we grow old and leave this earth... we shall become a piece of the universe instead.

Hang in there, my friend. You will see the light to this darkness soon.


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