What is left?
Posted: Sat Mar 27, 2021 5:40 am
Apologise in advance for what will be a long post. If someone here publishes a shorter, more urgent text than this, give that your love and attention instead.
To anyone that has the stamina to read this rambling mess, my reason for posting this is that the suicidal thoughts tha have been on my mind for years have gone from an abstract mental experiment to something I might actually do. The last few days I've spent endless hours crying and begging the voices in my head to please stop telling me what a worthless, stupid waste of breath I am. To please stop reminding me that I've never amounted to anything, that nothing can change, that my relationships with everyone I've ever loved has withered away. Please stop? Because i'm tired, alone, feel nothing but grief and selfhate and agree with everything the voices tells me.
How did I end up here?
Ever since my pre-teenage years connections with other people has been an almost insourmantable challenge. The few friends I had as a child thought I was weird, boring and most of all replacable. It never really mattered if I came to a hangout or not. I might as well have not been there.
Starting High School I thought could be a fresh start. Maybe I would manage to make the connections I hungered for. The first year I mostly spent miserable and alone. No matter what I've did, no matter what advice I followed. The second year I more or less started to accept this inability as a core part of myself. This might just be who I am. Perhaps all I can do is to come to terms with an unhappy and lonely life? There are several people all over the globe suffering way worse than me, this could just be the role I've been assigned to. Then I met someone who truly made me happy. She is to this day the most beautful, life affirming and wonderful person I've ever met. To just grind through the day wasn't good enough anymore. I wanted, no needed to be better. It didn't matter. The same pattern repeated itself. We developed a friendship, but in the end it meant little for her. I love her but to her i'm little more than someone that's nice to see once in a while.
I ended the High School years 10 times more misserable than I began them.
This inability to be anything but wasted time for almost everyone that has meant something for me has been the cause of much of my despair. I said "almost everyone" because there's one person I've allways managed to be meaningful for: my mom. She is still the only one I'm sure I had a meaningful emotional connection with. We have understood each other so easily, have laughed so much together. No matter how shit my life were I could always call or see her. Sure, we drew each other crazy too but being with her was one of the few places I felt safe and calm.
Last year she died after a decade long fight with cancer. In an instance, I lost half my heart.
The girl I loved and my unrequited feelings towards her was one of the few things that did not make me cave in to despair completely. We kept in touch after High School. Got closer. My feelings for her deepened. The other night she cheerily told me she has entered a relationship with someone else. She has moved on, i’m dead stuck in the same spot but more alone than ever before. This is what finally broke me completely.
In the meantime the years have just passed by. The time when you are supposed to ”be happy”, to ”discover yourself” and ”the world” just slipped by.
Whatever spark I managed to keep alive is now snuffed out completely. I really, really tried to hold on to what was good. Tried to break the patterns. But everytime they repeat. I can never really feel safe and strong with anyone. The loneliness, my replacability, always creeps back. I’ve stopped regarding these as feelings and more like ”truths”; What the few friends I have left would really tell me if they dared. Whatever makes other people connect just doesn’t seem to be built in to me. That is the voices favorite insult to me: a broken clock. Something that had missing parts from the getgo. Something that perhaps could have been whole but never managed to take the right oppurtunity towards it. I believe they are correct. The more I look back at my life, so much feels like it was inevetable.
In many ways I’m more priviliged than most. As a white caucasion 25 years old man in one of the richest and most progressive countries in the world I’ve never suffered the horrors of racism and poverty. My childhood has been safe and good apart from the crushing loneliness outside my family home. Many reading this might regard me as a priviliged stuck up that needs to get his shit together. Someone that needs to realise that a lot of people are worse of and my comfort would many kill over. You are not wrong and these are lines of thinking that has sometimes helped me to get out of bed when nothing else worked.
But I don’t care anymore.
The grief from my mother, the loneliness, my inability to change while everyone else I love moves on. They all add up to a life that I feel I cannot take another day of. Seeing a therapist feels more than pointless. Talk about my problems? Finding ways for me to ”manage” my anxeity? Thanks, that still leaves me lonely, replacable and boring. Treating the symptoms while leaving the causes to continue rotting away. Holding on to the laughable belief that things will get better? Been there done that for my entire life.
For anyone that wonders, I’ve probably tried anything you will propose as a help: Physical training,meditation, reading, closing down social media, eating well etc.
By this point i’m tired. Just so very tired. Since nothing gets better what is left to hold on to? The little good things are so small and far between they don’t make a difference in the broken, lonely, boring mess that is my life.
To anyone with the patience to have gone through this long ass post, I can only thankyou for your time and to wish that whatever you are going through will get better.
****Clarification: I know the voices in are just in my head. I have no problem to recognise what is ”real”.
To anyone that has the stamina to read this rambling mess, my reason for posting this is that the suicidal thoughts tha have been on my mind for years have gone from an abstract mental experiment to something I might actually do. The last few days I've spent endless hours crying and begging the voices in my head to please stop telling me what a worthless, stupid waste of breath I am. To please stop reminding me that I've never amounted to anything, that nothing can change, that my relationships with everyone I've ever loved has withered away. Please stop? Because i'm tired, alone, feel nothing but grief and selfhate and agree with everything the voices tells me.
How did I end up here?
Ever since my pre-teenage years connections with other people has been an almost insourmantable challenge. The few friends I had as a child thought I was weird, boring and most of all replacable. It never really mattered if I came to a hangout or not. I might as well have not been there.
Starting High School I thought could be a fresh start. Maybe I would manage to make the connections I hungered for. The first year I mostly spent miserable and alone. No matter what I've did, no matter what advice I followed. The second year I more or less started to accept this inability as a core part of myself. This might just be who I am. Perhaps all I can do is to come to terms with an unhappy and lonely life? There are several people all over the globe suffering way worse than me, this could just be the role I've been assigned to. Then I met someone who truly made me happy. She is to this day the most beautful, life affirming and wonderful person I've ever met. To just grind through the day wasn't good enough anymore. I wanted, no needed to be better. It didn't matter. The same pattern repeated itself. We developed a friendship, but in the end it meant little for her. I love her but to her i'm little more than someone that's nice to see once in a while.
I ended the High School years 10 times more misserable than I began them.
This inability to be anything but wasted time for almost everyone that has meant something for me has been the cause of much of my despair. I said "almost everyone" because there's one person I've allways managed to be meaningful for: my mom. She is still the only one I'm sure I had a meaningful emotional connection with. We have understood each other so easily, have laughed so much together. No matter how shit my life were I could always call or see her. Sure, we drew each other crazy too but being with her was one of the few places I felt safe and calm.
Last year she died after a decade long fight with cancer. In an instance, I lost half my heart.
The girl I loved and my unrequited feelings towards her was one of the few things that did not make me cave in to despair completely. We kept in touch after High School. Got closer. My feelings for her deepened. The other night she cheerily told me she has entered a relationship with someone else. She has moved on, i’m dead stuck in the same spot but more alone than ever before. This is what finally broke me completely.
In the meantime the years have just passed by. The time when you are supposed to ”be happy”, to ”discover yourself” and ”the world” just slipped by.
Whatever spark I managed to keep alive is now snuffed out completely. I really, really tried to hold on to what was good. Tried to break the patterns. But everytime they repeat. I can never really feel safe and strong with anyone. The loneliness, my replacability, always creeps back. I’ve stopped regarding these as feelings and more like ”truths”; What the few friends I have left would really tell me if they dared. Whatever makes other people connect just doesn’t seem to be built in to me. That is the voices favorite insult to me: a broken clock. Something that had missing parts from the getgo. Something that perhaps could have been whole but never managed to take the right oppurtunity towards it. I believe they are correct. The more I look back at my life, so much feels like it was inevetable.
In many ways I’m more priviliged than most. As a white caucasion 25 years old man in one of the richest and most progressive countries in the world I’ve never suffered the horrors of racism and poverty. My childhood has been safe and good apart from the crushing loneliness outside my family home. Many reading this might regard me as a priviliged stuck up that needs to get his shit together. Someone that needs to realise that a lot of people are worse of and my comfort would many kill over. You are not wrong and these are lines of thinking that has sometimes helped me to get out of bed when nothing else worked.
But I don’t care anymore.
The grief from my mother, the loneliness, my inability to change while everyone else I love moves on. They all add up to a life that I feel I cannot take another day of. Seeing a therapist feels more than pointless. Talk about my problems? Finding ways for me to ”manage” my anxeity? Thanks, that still leaves me lonely, replacable and boring. Treating the symptoms while leaving the causes to continue rotting away. Holding on to the laughable belief that things will get better? Been there done that for my entire life.
For anyone that wonders, I’ve probably tried anything you will propose as a help: Physical training,meditation, reading, closing down social media, eating well etc.
By this point i’m tired. Just so very tired. Since nothing gets better what is left to hold on to? The little good things are so small and far between they don’t make a difference in the broken, lonely, boring mess that is my life.
To anyone with the patience to have gone through this long ass post, I can only thankyou for your time and to wish that whatever you are going through will get better.
****Clarification: I know the voices in are just in my head. I have no problem to recognise what is ”real”.