I needed to let it all out.

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PuerileWorrying
Posts: 1
Joined: Sat Nov 21, 2020 9:17 am

I needed to let it all out.

Postby PuerileWorrying » Sat Nov 21, 2020 10:13 am

I had a happy childhood until my father came back from abroad 4 years ago. He used to visit once a year before he became sick. He went back home to live with us. I heard from my mother that he came with a lot of money. When my father got home, he was angry. He kept on complaining on how even though he gave my mother so much money, I was still thin and my brother had acne. He kept on shouting and complaining at me about how my mother and her family had tricked him. I was a kid at the time and because I used to love him before, I kept listening like it was the truth. This was the time where my father and I found about our financial status. My mom had 2 credit cards with a lot of debt. My father told my mother before, when he was still in abroad, not to get a job. But my mom knew he wasn't giving enough money, so she got a job. He was always swearing and hit my head with my test papers If I ever get something wrong. I began to dislike him. I liked drawing at the time. What made me start disliking him, is because of a time where I drew at the back of my test paper. Teacher allowed us to when we were done. I got some mistakes in the quiz, so he yelled at me. He told me that my drawings were useless. I was sad and angry at the same time. That night, I watched a tutorial on how to draw realistic eyes. It turned out pretty good and I was happy with myself. My father then saw my drawings and said, "Wow, It's like a real eye!" He complimented me more. I felt disgusted. The day didn't even passed before he said that.

He began pressuring me even more in school. When I was younger, I was pretty spoiled. I spent around 2-3 hours of studying at most and spent the rest of the day using the internet. I still had good grades every year, so my mom didn't really get mad at me. When my father started replacing all my time after school with studying, I thought that I was simply returning all the time I slacked off. I was reading and studying all day after class. I'm supposed to be highest in all my classes. I am supposed to be perfect in every exam or quiz. This was when I learned I had the fear of failing. It grew worse over the years and my personality changed a lot. I grew more cynical, sarcastic, dark and depressed. I used to be the cute girl who was quiet, but now I began to swear a lot at home. I hated the pressure of being number 1 in everything. My father thought that the teachers and school were all corrupt. I know he has some trust issues. He argued with teachers almost everyday for various of things while I watched and felt bad for the teachers. My father's father died when he was young so he doesn't anything about him. It could explain the reason he is like this right now.

I began talking back to my father. I felt sick of him. I felt anxious and depressed, but there was no one to talk to. I was originally just going to talk about what happened tonight but I guess I got sidetracked. There is still no one I trust enough to say this to, so it's sad how I'm writing this in an online forum. My family all sleep in the same bed. It can be weird for some you all, but we are a poor family. Tonight, I think my father tried to touch me again... An incident like this happened before around 2 years ago. He was groping me during my sleep. Some things happened that I don't want to talk about. My mother told me to forgive him because that was part of our religion.. but who would forgive such a horrible apology like that? I also didn't want to tell anybody else. Why? Because people would know of my circumstances. They would begin to pity me. I thought he had changed. I thought that he wouldn't go that far anymore. I fell asleep tonight accidentally and when I woke up, he was trying to get closer to me. I shot up because I was angry that I fell asleep and then I processed everything again. You want to know what he did? When I shot up, I said, "damn it!" He turned around when he heard that. Now, I'm almost positive he tried to touch me again. I went to the bathroom and cried. I cried about how I thought he wouldn't do that anymore and about all the other things he had said to me before. I cried about how everything I worked and studied hard for will go down the drain because it the pandemic. But most of all, I cried because I had no one to share this with.

I just wanted to share this with someone and after this, I'm deleting this account. For the people who read this post, thank for listening. I don't really expect any advice or inspiring words. In fact, please don't say anything inspiring. I just wanted someone to know my story.

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