Everything Feels Meaningless

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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BlueStreak
Posts: 2
Joined: Sat Oct 24, 2020 10:31 am

Everything Feels Meaningless

Postby BlueStreak » Sat Oct 24, 2020 10:49 am

At my current point in life, I feel like I'm stuck. I want to do better; I want to be healthy. But it feels like there's no way forward. I'm completely uncertain about how to move on from where I am presently and nothing seems to be getting better.

When I was in elementary school, I was exposed to pornography, not helped by inappropriate advances from my older cousin that further messed with my head. Ever since, I have been wrestling with an addiction to pornographic images that has left me unable to focus my thoughts away from sex. My high school year in particular began a downward spiral in my life wherein I began spending more of my time consuming that type of media rather than focusing on my schooling, resulting in me losing my scholarship by the time I got to college. At this point, I now have to pay to go to college.

Beyond that, I have had difficulty keeping money. I had a tendency to spend in the past, that has resulted in my amassing a $10,000 debt, which doesn't feel particularly overwhelming in and of itself. But in light of the fact that I am working a job that only pays $10 an hour, it has factored into my woes in light of the fact that I need to purchase a new car now that my current one has broken down. I need to pay for my senior year in order to graduate and get a degree. Furthermore, my laptop has begun to work very poorly as well, and will likely need to be replaced soon. That's not even factoring in other aspects, such as my washing machine not working properly and tearing holes in my clothes, requiring me to replace those as well.

Seeing as I don't have the money to handle a lot of things, I have to stay with my father at present, which has led to no small amount of endless badgering from him as I try to pick myself up. He is almost gleeful in pointing out on a daily basis how I messed up in school and how I work dead-end jobs and various other things. Furthermore, he continually is hypocritical towards me throughout the day, accusing me of being lazy while also doing things like pawning his teaching duties off onto me because he doesn't actually know how to do them and refuses to learn despite my attempts to teach.

I don't really have any friends that I can reach out to, and my attempts at making any never seem to bear fruit. I have been told that I'm a very fun and engaging person to be around, but despite that most of my relationships wind up being superficial. It feels like typically I'm overlooked in group settings despite my attempts at engaging with people, leading to me frequently feeling like a third wheel.

Lately, I've just been feeling completely defeated. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know what direction I want to take my life in. There are days when I'm off work that I just spend all day in bed, staring at the walls because I can't even will myself to get up, which has resulted in me putting on a bit of weight to my chagrin.

I don't know what I need to do to get out of this funk or what I need to hear to have the mindset to fix my life, but I'm tired of being a loser. I'm tired of feeling like the sky is falling down on me at every waking moment. I just want to feel like I'm alive again so I can bury this point in my past and move on from it. Can someone PLEASE help me?

JaneUthought
Posts: 4
Joined: Mon Mar 30, 2020 10:04 pm

Re: Everything Feels Meaningless

Postby JaneUthought » Tue Oct 27, 2020 5:07 am

hi there,

I can tell you that no one on earth really understands what they are doing or where they are heading, u need to know that u are just one of us. it's true. life can be miserable. unhelpful parents and tough livelihood can drive one mad. I m feeling kinda insane myself too. I have been struggling with financial problems for over a decade and I m 28 now but still in it. I can't tell u how life is meaningful coz it is not, neither for me. I dreamt a lot. I used to dream that I can lead a totally different life. it hurts when I realise again and again that it's just a dream and even it comes true, it may not be that glamorous as in my imagination. now, I lost the ability to dream.

I m sorry I can't give u a pep talk coz I m doomed also.

so, let's suck together. buddy.


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