I'm alive but dead.

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neverwanttowakeup
Posts: 1
Joined: Sat Aug 01, 2020 2:03 pm

I'm alive but dead.

Postby neverwanttowakeup » Sat Aug 01, 2020 2:38 pm

It's been what? 7 to 8 years since I've been in this state.
I don't know. I don't know how to live like a normal person anymore. It's not that my parents are horrible though I will admit that they are partially the cause to why I'm like this. I don't want to argue on whose fault it was anymore, not for a long time. It's hard to forgive them, but when I look back now I understand that they didn't mean it. So I chose to let go. But it's so hard to stop hating myself. I just gave up. Stopped trying.

I remember my younger self telling myself to endure. Just endure through that year and it'll be fine. Just endure until I grow up to be an adult who can save myself. But I couldn't take it anymore. The pain, the disappointment, the exhaustion, the monotonous life with nothing happy to fill it. I was so disappointed. Why? I tried so hard, but my efforts didn't give me the results I wanted. Instead, my results just dropped. I felt so stupid, so embarrassed, so frustrated. And all my efforts were ignored. 'You didn't even try', 'what troubles could a child like you have?' I felt so defeated. Nobody trusted me, even the ones closest to me. Always mocking me, yelling at me. I felt so tired trying to please the people who just hurt me. It felt like my existence was a joke. Even the hobbies and things I used to like, became something I used to vent and cope until they also became proof of my imperfections in my eyes. I felt no joy. Pretending everyday was tiring. Working myself to the bones only to be disappointed was painful. Being mocked by the family who was supposed to be my anchor was hard. My self-esteem became non-existent. I didn't and still don't want to live at all.

I just feel so pathetic. It's like I'm stuck behind a fogged window, unable to clear that fog away. I tell myself I have to try, but I can't even seem to find the courage or effort to do so. I've just given up, and now I'm stuck in this state. I hate that I can't even bring myself to try. Sometimes I just wished I was never born. I feel so guilty, not only towards my parents but also to my younger self. I want to try, but just trying to gain courage to wake up everyday is difficult. I hate myself for being unable to walk out from it. It was clearly only one year, yet one year was enough to break me.

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