Anxiety and feeling like a terrible mother during lockdown
Posted: Mon Jul 06, 2020 1:30 pm
I have always been an extremely anxious person with a very low opinion about myself. When I had my first child in October 2018 I knew I had to try and change for the sake of my daughter, who is now 21 months old. I actually done really well putting myself out of my comfort zone by going to baby groups, soft play, swimming. I am really not a sociable person but I made myself get out there and eventually it all got a but easier even though I still get anxious now to walk into a room of people I don't know. A year ago me and my husband moved to a different area and I had to get to know this new place and try my best to meet new people, although I'm not the type to want to make friends really. So I went to groups in my new home area and met new people by putting in a brave face and pretending I was confident while facing mummy blues and hoping I was doing everything right. Then lockdown happened. Slowly and eventually I have grown as anxious and frightened to go out as I was before I had my daughter. I took her to the playground with my husband on the super Saturday, but I was anxious as hell and didn't talk to anyone but my husband and frequently do this forced smile to make it look like I was ok. I know, this sounds pathetic. I have felt like such a let down to my daughter over these weeks of lockdown. I eventually ran out of imagination and there were more days of cbeebies and scattering paper all over the floor so she could colour in. Even though I still see her smile and laugh everyday I can't help but think how bored she must be now. She has hardly seen any other children since lockdown began and I hardly know anybody here myself as lockdown stopped all the children's groups, swimming and softplay. I now feel so lonely and have cried alot from feeling like a terrible mother. I am left alone with my thoughts too much and now feel unhappy living where we have moved to. My family all live 45 minutes away. I guess at the time I thought we were making a good decision. I don't dare tell my husband I'm unhappy and lonely. He works full time and at most weekends too. I've always been used to it even when my daughter arrived as I made sure me and her were going out and socialising. I am a sad, lonely wreck now. I'm really hoping once everything is up and running like normal again I can slowly claw a little of my confidence back again. I don't want to keep feeling like I'm going to well up all the time or keep crying myself to sleep. I hope I am a good mother
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