Depression Understood Forums

I’m on this site reluctantly but have nobody I can talk to otherwise and I suppose this is a last effort to reach out. I’m a 47 year old male living in Massachusetts. From the outside I don’t think anyone would imagine I’m almost at a point of just vanishing from my life or ending it. I have become so great at masking my loneliness and depression that I often fool myself. I am and have been being treated for anxiety, depression and OCD for most of my adult life. I have been in the military and then a police officer until I quit because of my thoughts of suicide with my weapon while on duty. I suppose the temptation was too strong and having the weapon on hand made it too easy.
Self isolation has made it so that I have nobody I want to burden with these thoughts and feelings. Family? I have such loose ties with them that it’s impossible to go to them with this.
I feel guilty for my thoughts because if I look at my life from an outside viewpoint I would have no reason to want to vanish or die but the fact remains that I do.
I am a good person to people and always try to do right by others but none of this seems to come into the equation when I look inward.
I dream of just packing my car with what I need to survive and driving away without telling anyone and beginning a new life far away from anything familiar. Suicide? Always a thought but have also thought if somehow arranging myself to be killed. Confusion and chaos is all I know inside my mind all the while portraying a “normal” person. I have everyone fooled except myself.
I’m absolutely obsessed with wanting to truly be alone in a cabin in the mountains which makes little sense when the current loneliness seems to kill me.
I just want to give up. I’m tired and at a crossroad right now
I am smart, kind and have allot going for me but none of it holds any value to me.
There is something inside that’s missing and I cannot figure out what it is.
This all may fall on deaf ears but as with others I may be writing this to at least feel like I am being honest with myself.
If I could just do what I want to do I wonder... I know I’m not alone and again, I have no major life events that would trigger these feelings except something deep inside of me.
I’m scared... I’m very lost and I am at the end of my line!

I'm so sorry you feel like this, I too, often feel guilty and alone in y thoughts, and live my life behind a mask, simply to look after others. But I beg you, if things ever get too tough, please tell someone, even just one thing can take such a weight of your shoulders. Regarding the cabin, if that's what you need to do, go ahead, it sounds like a great idea! I would just make sure you have signal incase you need to speak to someone. I hope you feel happier soon <3

Lost1972 wrote:I’m on this site reluctantly but have nobody I can talk to otherwise and I suppose this is a last effort to reach out. I’m a 47 year old male living in Massachusetts. From the outside I don’t think anyone would imagine I’m almost at a point of just vanishing from my life or ending it. I have become so great at masking my loneliness and depression that I often fool myself. I am and have been being treated for anxiety, depression and OCD for most of my adult life. I have been in the military and then a police officer until I quit because of my thoughts of suicide with my weapon while on duty. I suppose the temptation was too strong and having the weapon on hand made it too easy.
Self isolation has made it so that I have nobody I want to burden with these thoughts and feelings. Family? I have such loose ties with them that it’s impossible to go to them with this.
I feel guilty for my thoughts because if I look at my life from an outside viewpoint I would have no reason to want to vanish or die but the fact remains that I do.
I am a good person to people and always try to do right by others but none of this seems to come into the equation when I look inward.
I dream of just packing my car with what I need to survive and driving away without telling anyone and beginning a new life far away from anything familiar. Suicide? Always a thought but have also thought if somehow arranging myself to be killed. Confusion and chaos is all I know inside my mind all the while portraying a “normal” person. I have everyone fooled except myself.
I’m absolutely obsessed with wanting to truly be alone in a cabin in the mountains which makes little sense when the current loneliness seems to kill me.
I just want to give up. I’m tired and at a crossroad right now
I am smart, kind and have allot going for me but none of it holds any value to me.
There is something inside that’s missing and I cannot figure out what it is.
This all may fall on deaf ears but as with others I may be writing this to at least feel like I am being honest with myself.
If I could just do what I want to do I wonder... I know I’m not alone and again, I have no major life events that would trigger these feelings except something deep inside of me.
I’m scared... I’m very lost and I am at the end of my line!

Even the best of us deal with negative feelings, the bible says overcome evil with good. It doesnt just mean actions but also lifestyle. Confront the issues that make you depressed. It is possible to speak to your family about these issues, they will only love you and emotionally support you. Family is usually a very good last resort when dealing with major issues. The last thing you want to do is be alone, because that is where negativity works best. It blinds a person into thinking there is no way out and of course there is a way out. Speak to your folks. I think you should consider being spiritual. Have a belief system that helps you with these issues and speak to your folks. Good luck.