A bit of a mess
Posted: Fri Nov 15, 2019 6:34 pm
Hello! I was asked by a cousin I’m very close with to try opening up on a mental health forum due to difficulty talking about it to actual people.
Mental health is scary and I like to kind of shove it away and pretend it doesn’t exist and not to deal with it. When I first found out I had anxiety and possibly depression, I was 14 and receiving councling and 2 weekly hour long seasons during school time.
I didn’t like that people thought of me as mopey so I spent a couple of years building up a super ditsy, happy, bubbly front, changed schools for post 16 and tried leaving everything behind. When applying, I left the mental health and young carer status section blank despite my very chunky file at secondary school. Now I’m kind of known as the dumb blonde pink fluffy girly in the group and keep everything in until I kind of flop.
Often I’ll just break down because of the anxiety and have to make up an excuse to leave and then go cry in the toilets for a while or spend my free periods sitting in a cupboard doing art work alone with no people. (My art teacher is the only one who knows a bit about issues at home so let’s me do it - she’s super nice). It had been okay ish for year 12 but then things got a lot worse because of personal reasons that I might open up about in a later thingy.
I have a dumb and weird logic and that’s that I should make everybody super super happy at whatever cost and hide behind that girly ditsy front so I’m easier to approach and like and also that I’m super lucky that people pay attention to me and therefore, I have to do everything in my power to keep them happy so they don’t leave and like me.
I get taken advantage of a lot because of this and even with people being horrible to me, I pretend I’m okay, laugh it off and even do things for the person like buy them cake to make them happy. And then when I make an excuse to be alone, go cry and have a panic attack and sit alone for a while in silence.
Recently, holding up this happy front has been really hard. Teachers asked if I was okay because i have been looking into space a bit more and o kind of just go “oh yeah! Oopsie doopsie was just thinking about the work I’m a bit confused Hehehehe” then proceeding after class to disappear and sit in silence thinking about why I’m a failure and unlovable, in the girls bathroom.
I’ve attempted suicide once before and had suicidal thoughts before but never had the thoughts this bad. Being happy hurts and despite working hard at school and doing everything to make everybody happy, there’s nothing in return. I feel awful constantly and don’t see a point anymore. I don’t like where I am and just want to disappear and make everything go away. I mean... I don’t know where I’m meant to go forward from here and if there’s anything I’m working for or am I just living for the sake of living? I act super happy for other people not for me.
Because I hide everything and don’t let people in to avoid being called weird, sad, depressed or an attention whore it means having these breakdowns often and I just don’t know where to go from here or what to do. Apparently, I care too much about people and do too much but i dont know... if I start focusing on me then people might not like me anymore. Sorry much typing hehe whoopsie doopsie ☺️
Mental health is scary and I like to kind of shove it away and pretend it doesn’t exist and not to deal with it. When I first found out I had anxiety and possibly depression, I was 14 and receiving councling and 2 weekly hour long seasons during school time.
I didn’t like that people thought of me as mopey so I spent a couple of years building up a super ditsy, happy, bubbly front, changed schools for post 16 and tried leaving everything behind. When applying, I left the mental health and young carer status section blank despite my very chunky file at secondary school. Now I’m kind of known as the dumb blonde pink fluffy girly in the group and keep everything in until I kind of flop.
Often I’ll just break down because of the anxiety and have to make up an excuse to leave and then go cry in the toilets for a while or spend my free periods sitting in a cupboard doing art work alone with no people. (My art teacher is the only one who knows a bit about issues at home so let’s me do it - she’s super nice). It had been okay ish for year 12 but then things got a lot worse because of personal reasons that I might open up about in a later thingy.
I have a dumb and weird logic and that’s that I should make everybody super super happy at whatever cost and hide behind that girly ditsy front so I’m easier to approach and like and also that I’m super lucky that people pay attention to me and therefore, I have to do everything in my power to keep them happy so they don’t leave and like me.
I get taken advantage of a lot because of this and even with people being horrible to me, I pretend I’m okay, laugh it off and even do things for the person like buy them cake to make them happy. And then when I make an excuse to be alone, go cry and have a panic attack and sit alone for a while in silence.
Recently, holding up this happy front has been really hard. Teachers asked if I was okay because i have been looking into space a bit more and o kind of just go “oh yeah! Oopsie doopsie was just thinking about the work I’m a bit confused Hehehehe” then proceeding after class to disappear and sit in silence thinking about why I’m a failure and unlovable, in the girls bathroom.
I’ve attempted suicide once before and had suicidal thoughts before but never had the thoughts this bad. Being happy hurts and despite working hard at school and doing everything to make everybody happy, there’s nothing in return. I feel awful constantly and don’t see a point anymore. I don’t like where I am and just want to disappear and make everything go away. I mean... I don’t know where I’m meant to go forward from here and if there’s anything I’m working for or am I just living for the sake of living? I act super happy for other people not for me.
Because I hide everything and don’t let people in to avoid being called weird, sad, depressed or an attention whore it means having these breakdowns often and I just don’t know where to go from here or what to do. Apparently, I care too much about people and do too much but i dont know... if I start focusing on me then people might not like me anymore. Sorry much typing hehe whoopsie doopsie ☺️