Lately....

[georgiapeach]

hey guys,
i posted my story a long time ago, so im just gonna add the recent news. So as most of you know im pregnant and moved back home with my mom. Living here is such a struggle(with mom and my grandma), mostly my grandma. Things inside my head are just whirling in circles going crazy. I feel like my life is outta control but i know its really not. My grandmother got all pissy with me today and flipped a lid over nothing, she basically got mad bc i wouldnt get off the computer so she could do something i was already doing for her, i mean shes older and cant do squat on a computer to save her life, so i thought being a nice granddaughter i'd set up her frequent flyer miles for United Airways. Boy did she almost wack me with her coffee mug. I just got mother F'ed up and down. it hurts me to know that she doesnt like me nor my mom, its just the males in the family she tends to like. the women (me and mom) just catch the back rath of her anger that she bottles up. lately, i tell ya, i've been wishing i could head back to the drugs and drinking to numb myself from this bitter cold world. or i've felt that ending it all once and for all is a solution but i know its not, its just a solution to a temporary problem and Anson needs me to be here with him. he needs a mother and someone to protect him from my grandmother. i've been trying to get her kicked outta this house since i moved back in bc she's not healthy for anyone around here. She holds toxic energy and blows it off every once in a while. Im just at the end of the road, looking into the dark tunnel before my eyes searching for a light to save me and help me out with. i take my meds every day and i've been facing a tough battle since late december, losing my ex fiancee which was hard since i was left for someone else. i still dream about us being together and how happy we were at one point. i guess chinese food is a dangerous thing to argue over bc it ended our relationship of 2 and 1/2 yrs. and it wasnt even done in person. i was on vacation. i tend to hide my feelings for her deep inside my memory in a little filing cabinet that can never ever be found again but unforutnately its found at night time while im sleeping. im just stuck in a major hole at the very bottom trying to climb back out now. i may seem ok in the chat room or when i talk to ppl on msn, but truthfully, im not im hurting inside and crying away my pain deep on the inside of my soul. my emotions are so intense i dont like to talk about them, but things have been seeming to get bad again lately and i needed a release so i came here to babble about my bs problems. Anywhoo i suppose i've said enough about me and everything going on. all who reads this just know that the peach cares about her fellow chat members and forum members! (((((((((((((((((( all )))))))))))))))))))))))) your great people and hold a special place in my heart each and every one of you. Be safe, Stay strong, and most of all Keep helping eachother out! thats what we're meant to do. this is all about give and take, you give help and take help.

[Emotional_77]

Hey baby,

You know I am always here for you, I mean even if you need me to call you.. I wouldnt care about the cost, I would do it cause I know all the struggling and pressure and everything must be for you right now and you really need some support. You are the strongest person I know and you say you want to go back to your old self but you haven't and your still here fighting everyday and that's what keeps me going is seeing how you keep moving on too. You have improved so much since I first met you and I am so proud of you, I wish I could show it more but it's difficult through the computer lol. You mean a lot to me babe, and we've grown so close over the months we have been talking through here if i lost you i wouldnt know what to do with myself lol. Peach (babe) you are going to be a terrific mother, i know you will and yes you will have those urges to go back to your old self, cause thats what you used to rely on and dont feel bad cause of those urges.. like you mentioned just think of your son and how you are keeping strong and fighting those urges FOR him and most importantly YOURSELF too.

Stay strong, and never give up.. you have so much going for you, please hold on a little more, ok?

lots of love and hugs goes out to you, and we all care for you here more than you will ever know.

[georgiapeach]

babe(emo),
its just to difficult, its sad i cant even face to talk to you on msn or anything right now. i am just falling in to a deep dark hole, i feel like my time is coming to an end eventually sooner than later. i want to give up and stop holding on, if it wasnt for anson i'd be done with everything. its to damn scary. and one last note, do not call me bc of the cost. i dont want you to have an outragous phone bill! thats my job is to have the high costing phone bills and pay for them to talk to you. you know i care about you a lot but this isnt the time or place for that.

[Monty]

I am experiencing some insomnia tonight, so if my post doesnt' make much sense, just move on and make them just being ramblings of an old lady.

I have gone past the young children stage, my children are adults and giving me grandchildren. I know that was a terribly tough time for me, and that I often would worry that I wasn't doing the best for my kids. That they deserved another, better mother. I think that all parents have that attitude at one point or another but mom's just want to do it right for the few people in the world that give them unconditional love and get it back. Parents that have illnesses that still have a great stigma attached to them must suffer more. I know of some who won't ask for help because they are afraid that they will lose their kids

I am sure that I didn't fool mine by getting up in the morning, dragging my butt around getting them off to school, heading back to bed and then being unable to move from the bed until I saw on the clock thuat the bus would be brining them home in ten minutes. Getting redressed at that point. I find it baffling they never have thrown any of the "odd" behavior at home over those years in my face.

I am sure that I share the note with you about my daughter forgiving me and saying that she thought that she turned out ok, and that was because of me. I may seem that I mention that story often. I think that it is because I had felt for more than 20 years that I had failed as a mom, she said it was ok.

I wasn't ill the whole time, but it was a lot, they know it was the best that I could do, Actually that I was probably doing more than was safe for me.. It was a challenge to keed up with all stuff. Living in the same house as your mother and grandmothers sounds to be almost intolerable at times. I live with my elderly mother and that drives me nuts at times. Can't fathom what you have to face each day.

That dark, deep hole is the scary one, at least I found it especially terrifying because it seems that there is nothing solid there to hold onto.

You have us as your solid branch to hold onto. Hold on tight for Anson and your new baby.

[georgiapeach]

((((((((((((((((( monty ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

thank you for sharing that with me. it has helped me out a great bit, just knowing that you have been through it and your children turned out all right. i am starting to feel quite a bit better lately, which is good. i think i am going to have rough patches like this one quite a bit where ill be happy for awhile then will get super depressed. oh and one last note that you didnt know monty, is that Anson in the baby on the way :d and monty thank you for responding to this, it means a lot to me!

[aim]

Hey everyone, hey peachy girl... So sorry you're hurting the way that you are, hun. But you have the right idea - stay strong and in this life for your baby. He does need you - very much. Good for you for holding on to him and not letting go.

Please remember that all you are feeling right now is normal, ok? Losing someone you care about, being pregnant, and listening to the rantings of an older woman who obviously can't control herself is enough to shake the strongest of people. And you? Being as young as you are... I actually think you're handling it quite well.

I'm glad you posted your feelings. You spend a lot of time being positive and trying to help others, it must have felt good to get it all out, huh? Keep releasing it, Peachy. I'm sure just writing it all down helped...

Stay strong, girl. You and your little guy are going to make it through and live happily ever after...

[georgiapeach]

(((((((((((((((((((((((( AIM )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
i am trying to remember that these feelings are normal, but they are also scary. im trying to hold it together, and have started to feel better. but i dont mind listening to the others who have problems and helping them out if i can, or directing them to help. and it kinda feels nice getting them out but also it bothers me bc i like to seem strong and like im handling things well. anywhoo thx aim for responding!!! means a lot to me hun much <3

[Robvious]

Hey Peach and Monty. I can't pretend to "know how you feel," but my thoughts are with you, and if you guys need an ear (or eyes, as it were), I am here...whenever I'm actually here

[aim]

Peachy... I guess sometimes it helps helping others, huh?

Even though the feelings are normal, it doesn't make it any easier to deal with, I certainly understand that! Just keep venting and posting, Liz. All will be fine. You will have your son soon... I'm sure he will bring you happiness and pure joy when he finally shows you his little face!!!

(((((liz)))))

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((((((((((((( MY PEACHY )))))))))))))))))))))

How many chitchats have we shared? Lots! You know I am about, you have my email....just a keyboard away from you.

Please remember I may not always have the replies, and don't have the answers, but can listen, be there for YOU.

Keep that in mind.....

Love to you

Jeanie

[georgiapeach]

(((((((((((((( Amy and Jeanie ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

yes jeanie i know where u hide way too much! its kinda scary actually. but yes i will throw u an email or something if i really need to talk. i dont like to distrub you really bc ur so busy with work. love ya 2 jeanie! thanks again hun.

amy, thanks hun, just been rough. pulled a stupid move today sending my ex a message telling her im having a boy, his name, and what i've been doing. plus i noted that i missed her. EEEK! but i do, so what can it hurt? oh well i'm still in the process of moving on. its been over a month since i've spoken to her. k guys thanks! love ya all

[aim]

Peachy... is there any hope of reconciliation between the two you? If so, is that what you would really want? Just wondering where your head is with this...

[georgiapeach]

no amy there isnt. what she did was wrong, and uncalled for. i can forgive a lot of mistakes from her but the most recent ones, there is just no more forgiving from me anymore. i can only give give give so much but what do i get? i get being left for an arguement over chinese food! thats what ended it all so if she couldnt forgive me from that then screw her i dont need her but i still care. so my heart is in a sticky situation now. but i keep chugging along, making it day by day trying not to care.

[Monty]

Hi there,

Thanks for your kind words regarding my last post. I looked back at it today and it seemed way to rational for how I am feeling now. I was actually wondering if it was really me who wrote it.

Since my last posting it has been like I fell off the edge of a cliff. This time it is like I fell and am just holding onto a tree by the tiniest of branches.

I don't think that rationality is my strong point right now.

I had to deal with some stuff over the past week, and I think that it was just too much. I think that I have gone into overload mode because I know that I am virtually paralyzed and that I am turtling.

You guys are the only ones I am telling this stuff too.

I was quite ill a couple of years ago. I have never been really good at accepting help, and I am worried that this time I am too afraid that they will tell me that I have gone to the well too often. It is better for me to not ask, and at least have the expectation of, if I did, that they would be there for me. Rather than the alternative and ask, them say no.


At least if I go with the first one, not asking for help, then I still have a little hope left. I think that it is just that faint glimmer of hope that is keeping me going at this point.

I take care of and live with my elderly mother. She said that I was mean. I know that people say the opposite but she truly thinks that I am mean and cruel. I was abused for too many years to be able to live with myself thinking that my mom, of all people, think that I am cruel. I really am not, I think that she is lashing out because she is frustrated with her failing abilities. Still it hurts, bad. She won't let me leave, she keeps saying that we can work it out, but that isn't going to happen. She is failing too quickly. I have been saying for a couple of years that she has to move, but she says that the only way she is going to leave the house "is feet first".

I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place. Can't stay somewhere that I feel, and treated, like I am an abuser. Can't leave because then she would be on her own.

[aim]

Oh Monty... please try to relax. I'm sure you are not mean to your mother, and often, when people age, and especially if they are ill at all, they tend to lash out - especially at the people who are caring for them. Can she go to an assisted living place, perhaps? I understand if your answer is no... my elderly great-aunt was 92 when she died, and my only single aunt became her caretaker. I watched her go through a lot of emotions taking care of her, and saw in them a relationship dynamic that was, oftentimes, hostile. HOWEVER - they loved one another very much at the same time. I'm sure you're feeling that too, Monty. Please stay strong, keep venting here, and know that you are a good person who is trying to do what's best for the woman who loved and raised you.

Peachy - good for you!!! No need to waste time with someone who is not right for you. Sometimes we lose sight of that - glad you can see it at such a young age. Seems that your pending motherhood has matured you and made you understand what life is all about. We are not here to suffer, Peach. We are here to enjoy life as much as we possibly can. Often, enjoying life means getting rid of toxic people who do nothing but take and hurt us all at the same time. Proud of you peachy girl!!