Depression Understood Forums

I’ve struggled with Depression and Anxiety for as long as I could remember. I used to go to therapy a lot, but I grew tired of it because my therapists always ended up moving away as soon as I got comfortable with them.

My mom always used to say just wait until middle school everything will change for the better. Then middle school came and it got worse. Then it was “just wait until High-school everything will change” and it all got worse. Then She said the same thing about college. Now that’s over and I’m just in fear that life will never get better.

I worry quite a bit. I’m usually always alone, even when I’m near family I just fell like no one gets me or listens. I’m really close to my mom and I recently found out she’s been smoking cigarettes. So I googled a bunch of ways to help someone quit. 1. Pour out your emotions let them now how their smoking affects you. 2. Help them come up with alternatives 3. Don’t yell or get made if they relapse. 4. Make sure they aren’t stressed.

All that type of stuff. So I picked up all the slack started cooking dinner, picking up my younger siblings from school, cleaning, laundry, I even started pushing her to pursue a different career.

She was doing fine (I thought). Then she started over spraying perfume and chewing gum. Then I was like...oh she’s smoking again. So I calmly asked her about trying alternatives patches, nicotine gum. She got so mad and defensive. So I walked away. But then one day I got mad and broke the rule of not getting angry. I went off, I literally poured my heart out telling her how her smoking effects everyone, she’s the only parental figure I have so the thought of losing her to cancer or something is terrifying.

She didn’t listen and continued to smoke. Now my relationship with her is strained. I get so stressed and worried all the time. I’ve spent so much of my life making sure everyone else was okay I kind of forgot about me. Now I’m just sad worrying about her and I’m trying to let it go. My siblings can just live their lives, I mean they’re worried but it doesn’t effect them like it does me. It’s all I can think about. It’s kind of worsened my depression. Now all I can think about is how pointless life is, how no one really loves or cares about anyone because if they did they wouldn’t do things that KNOWINGLY hurt others, WHATS the point of living and trying if all you’re going to do is die? Then I FINALLY got a job interview in another state and I don’t want to go because I feel like the family will fall apart and stop caring about themselves if I leave. Also I have this huge fear of being alone, which I’m used to it just really sucks. But then I feel like people are going to do whatever they want regardless of what I say or try to do. So why try at all?? This is kind of all over the place but I’m just really stuck and want to care less about others and focus on me. I just don’t really see the point in anything anymore. I’m not sure what to do about these feelings.

If only depression was a simple as that, and just disappear on its own all because you “get to middle school”, etc. If anything, the longer you don’t deal with it, the worse it becomes.

I totally hear you about the cigarette behavior. Even as a kid, I have always been baffled why people take on such a toxic and expensive habit. I used to make fun (not maliciously) of other kids in school who smoked

Both my parents smoked.

As a kid, it would make me very angry that they smoked. I was only six or seven, but I knew something was not right about smoking. It stunk, made me cough, and was hard to breathe around it, so I figured it must be toxic and not good for health.

I remember sticking my head out the car window, just so I could breathe!!!! I would ask them why they smoked, and I even tried to encourage them to quit. I was trying to be a good role model for them instead of the other way around

Sadly, many smokers are selfish when it comes to their habit. They don’t realize fully or seem to care much, or both, the impact smoking has on other people around them.

My father eventually quit smoking. He did this by chewing gum and exercising a lot. He also has a strong mindset and a determined nature. So when he makes up his mind about something, nothing can stop him from achieving it.

My mother, many years later, also quit. I’m not sure how she did it, though. I think she said “cold turkey”, but I don't think this is the case.

We don’t stop behaviors… we replace them. At least that is how it works according to human behavioral experts. So my mother would have just replaced smoking with another behavior. For example, for some people, they may eat more and gain weight. Or some chew gum (such as my father). Someone else I knew sucked on mints all day to stop smoking.

So if it is about replacing behaviors, then one thing that would be a good replacement behavior is exercise. Is your mom open to exercise?

I’m not an expert on quitting smoking, but common sense tells me that you need to replace smoking with a strong, healthy, and lasting behavior. You also need to have a why—a reason to quit smoking. For example, someone might quit because of Christan values and their love and loyalty to God. This is a great incentive and motivator because love is powerful. Likewise, others may quit for their loved ones, by putting their needs, feelings, and health ahead of their own.

Another reason might because of financial reasons, as cigarettes can be an expensive habit. Another reason may because of health. They need to value their health, however, which many people don’t, so this is not always enough incentive.

It is different for everyone. However, the more reasons one has to quit, the stronger the incentive and easier the process of quitting will be, coupled with replacing it with positive and healthier behaviors.

As you researched, remaining calm is important. But try not to be too hard on yourself for not remaining calm. I know myself how hard it was to remain calm around smokers in the family, mainly because they were ruining their health AND my own.

My grandmother was a chain smoker in her youth, but she did quit for many years. Sadly, however, we still lost her to lung cancer at 82.

It is a wonderful quality to be concerned for other people’s health and wellbeing. It is definitely a balancing act to show concern for others, but also to take care of yourself.

I definitely get your concern for your mom’s poor choices and consequences associated with those choices.

We can’t change other people—we can only change ourselves. So it might be a good idea to let it go because you need to be focused on your own struggles right now. This doesn’t mean you should stop encouraging her to quit smoking. There is always that hope your encouragement will sink in and she will eventually make better choices.

What is the reason she smokes cigarettes? It always helps to understand the reason or cause behind a habit or behavior. If you know why she smokes, then you can help her to deal with those reason/s, then find other behaviors to replace smoking. In other words, find out why she smokes, then have a [i]why[i] to quit. Ironically, however, when you ask someone why they smoke, they often say, "I don't know" or "because other people were doing it".

As I suggested, I think it would be a good idea to focus on yourself for the time being. It is hard to deal with other people’s issues when we are trying to deal with a host of our own.

At the end of the day, it is your mother’s responsibility to make healthy choices in life and to be a good role model for her children. In my opinion, parenthood and setting good examples for your children is lifelong--it doesn't suddenly end when their children become adults.

It is true, people often will still do what they want, regardless of what others say. This is because change starts from within ourselves. But your love, support and encouragement may help her to make those positive changes. So don’t give up.

There is always a reason. You are just feeling disheartened, deflated and frustrated at the moment. Focus on yourself for a while and make positive changes in your own life. Be a good example and role model for your family. Be a strong leader to your family. This may encourage them to lift their game and follow your lead and good examples.

Thank you for your reply.

I think you’re right, she says she smokes due to stress but I’ve done everything that I possibly could to destress her life. It’s just excuse after excuse. I told her how it’s effecting my depression and thoughts on life. Still nothing.

I believe it’s time to do what you said and just try and focus on my life. Which is hard to do since I made my family my life. I don’t even know where to start with me. I believe moving away for a job will help me focus less on my mom and her issues. But I also believe it will cause me to highlight my own. I guess that scares me. I’ll have to face my sad, lonely feelings which is pretty rough.

Hello @NothingButAnxiety,

Wow, I am so sorry that you have been feeling down and depressed for such a long time. All children should be loved and cherished and never feel alone or depressed. I am really sorry! However, I think I can relate to that deep, dark black hole of loneliness that you have felt for so long. Mine is like a big piece of me is missing and I need to find it and fill it in so that I can truly feel normal. Well, after several years (I was 29 years old at the time), I committed my life to Jesus Christ and that void was replaced with something very powerful. It felt like I was whole again. With Jesus, you never have to be alone again, either! The Bible says that Jesus is "the way, the truth, and the life, nobody comes to the Father but through Him." Not only do I feel like a complete person, I have HOPE that life does not end at death, but continues on throughout eternity. If you want more information, please let me know. I will be praying for you.

May God bless you,

Kevin

This is quite late to the party, but I would like to point out that your mom is a human being. She deserves thought and love too. She has feelings and pain and anxiety, those arent yours to critisize or blame her for your depression. That is very selfish. BOTH your pain are valid and important. We tend to blame others for what hurts us but we have to be responsible for ourselves. I understand your feelings truly, but I can also imagine what your behavior does to your mom when you blame an addiction she has, or at least a coping mechanism she has for your issues.