Am I really depressed or i just made this whole things up

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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Am I really depressed or i just made this whole things up

Postby Sushilover » Tue Jul 23, 2019 9:48 pm

Hi, my name is sushilover. I was admitted to the hospital last May because I overdosed 19 pills just to kill myself. On top of that, i cut myself. I was depressed and didn't see any meaning for wanting to live on. You could say it was a relapse because I had this issue since I was 14. I remember I would cry everyday and cut myself, not wanting to live. But stopped after awhile and it intensified when I moved to a new school, in the middle of the night, I remember I was so afraid of my thoughts that I called the helpline but it doesnt work in my country. So, I met this psychiatrist and he didnt diagnosed me with depression and only said I had a bad mood and negative thinking. So I went along with him and thought to myself to just be positive. After a month, I was well because when I nearly had that feeling of depression, I tried to distract myself and push the feelings away, I asked myself like all this time it was just in my head? It got worst sometimes and I went back to cutting myself after stopping for a month. I'm confused because someday I would be depressed and not wanting to live and I would cut myself but after awhile,I would return back to my routine and focus on my school and be happy. Am I really depressed or I'm just sensitive or Im making all of this up in my head or (maybe I'm just stress when I'm feeling this feeling or depression) or maybe Im just being ungrateful? The other thing I noticed, I feel drained everytime Im with people especially in class in the morning, and it seriously affect my attendance because I would not go to school just to recharge myself. Sometimes I feel like I'm broken inside, because I feel like I shouldn't be struggling with a small thing and others don't have any problem with it. Sometimes I think maybe I'm not strong enough to live because I struggle so bad just on living. I'm sorry for ranting.. I got no-one to talk to about this..

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Re: Am I really depressed or i just made this whole things up

Postby KimmyO » Wed Jul 24, 2019 2:32 pm

I'm so sorry, is there an underlying reason for your depression? Were you abused or neglected as a child? Or, is it just unable to deal with emotions well in life? Look for the reason and why it started and you might find your healing in knowing. Also, it is good to get outside as much as you can without sunscreen so you can get the
Vitamin D you need. Touching the earth for a time can help ground you too. It is scientific, not psuedo-science. Also, taking Magnesium malate is great to calm the mind body and spirit and ginseng is great to get rid of sticky negative thoughts that loop around. Steady, regular counseling is important with a good counselor. If you can't afford it, many churches offer it free. Guard your self from those who are your triggers and keep a visit with them short and impersonal so they don't get to you. Speak out loud positive truths to counter the negativity whether if comes from your mind or other people. Blessings to you, don't hurt yourself. <3

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Re: Am I really depressed or i just made this whole things up

Postby Spleefy » Thu Jul 25, 2019 6:50 am

Hi Sushilover,

I’m sorry that you are going through so much inner turmoil.

I’m not qualified to give a diagnosis, but clearly you have more than merely a “bad mood and negative thinking”.

People don’t just go around cutting themselves, crying everyday, overdosing on pills, and have suicidal ideation. There is clearly something going on beyond mere “negative thinking”. You are definitely not “making all this up in your head”. Your feelings and experiences are very much real, Sushilover.

If possible, perhaps it is good idea to see another doctor or two to get a second or third opinion. Circumstances permitting, it might be something to consider.

Try not to compare yourself to other people. Everyone is affected by things differently, and we all cope in our own way.

A counsellor or psychologist may help, as it will give you a chance to talk through what you are feeling and learn coping strategies in a calm and safe environment.

You were not ranting. You were expressing your feelings and asking questions. We all need someone to talk to, and you came here to reach out. I’m happy that you did. It is good to communicate our feelings. Some people struggle with this, which keeps them further imprisoned in their own internal darkness.

You are strong enough to live, Sushilover. If we reason it out biologically, we all are strong enough to live because, as a sperm, we were the strongest and fastest of the millions of sperm to reach mummy’s egg first and fertilize it. Only the strongest sperm survives the arduous and perilous journey to the egg—and we made that journey. Oorah!

So keep strong and have faith, Sushilover.

Please keep us posted with your progress or even if you just want to talk about your feelings. There will always be someone here to listen to you and give comfort.

I will pray for you that you find the help you need as well for strength.

“Jehovah is close to the brokenhearted; He saves those who are crushed in spirit”.—Psalm 34:18.
Jehovah is close to the brokenhearted; he saves those who are crushed in spirit.—Psalm 34:18

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Re: Am I really depressed or i just made this whole things up

Postby MiddleChild » Fri Jul 26, 2019 12:24 am

Hi Sushilover,
I don’t think it is “safe” to simply give our opinion or what we think about your situation. I agree that you need to get a second or third opinion from hopefully, better practitioners. Attempting to harm yourself is never in the area of “did I make this up?” If this is not depression, then it is something else that may be even worse. And you have multiple incidences of cutting. Aside from going to a clinical therapist, consider going to a pastor at a church somewhere. He might be able to give you some truths that might help you overcome your emptiness or brokenness. People from churches have helped me during my hard times.

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