Truly lost and hate admitting how I really feel

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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Truly lost and hate admitting how I really feel

Postby jthomp276 » Wed Jun 12, 2019 10:06 pm

For as long as I can remember I have felt lost and alone. The first time I admitted that I cut myself I was about 12. It was to my mom. (Back story my brother had just tried to kill his self, but as I was getting off the bus one day he had come home after less than 2 weeks at a hospital and said, if you want to get your way just try to kill yourself.) My parents obviously never knew he said this. Also I was the one who found him all cut up. However I had been doing it, not because I wanted to die but because I wanted to feel something and be in control of the pain I felt. So her response was that I was doing it for attention because of my brother. Obviously I completely shut down and never told anyone again but continued to do it for years and honestly still have thoughts about doing it only now it's turned into I want to die. I feel so lost and alone. I have been through a lot in life, not as much as others, and I can't seem to get a grip. I hold on for my kids but it gets worse as time goes on. I use to write poetry and keep a journal but as life has progressed I have stopped and started my adult life. I don't know if anyone will read this or care, guess I just wanted to say something to anyone.

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Re: Truly lost and hate admitting how I really feel

Postby Unknownparadox » Thu Jun 13, 2019 10:52 am

I am sorry you had such a traumatic event so young. I am sure your parents response to your cutting wasn't the correct one. People tend to lash out at others when they are in pain. I am not saying that is a reason or excuse, just a possible explanation. I personally have never wanted to cut but I have tried suicide and I don't believe it is the answer. But there are some people who care and I am certain your children care. Feel free to message me. I don't know if I can help. But I will certainly listen. I hope things improve for you. Maybe go back to poetry?

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Re: Truly lost and hate admitting how I really feel

Postby AmandaNoh » Thu Jun 13, 2019 11:29 am

Hey, I don't know if you'll read this or not too, but I guess I'll just put this here!
I can relate to your story, and it's not bad to really admitting how you really feel right now. Most of our parents think that if one of their child is having a problem and then the other child admit the same too, they'll think that the second one is just trying to attract their parents attention cause they're busy with the first one. (I don't know if you understand me, I'm really bad at talking, please forgive me!) And it's reeally wrong. I really get that, you don't need to be a shame, but don't try to blame yourself for that too. I believe that depression never came only from ourselves, and you don't need to take it on yourself alone. You're really brave to share your story and its really sadden me, knowing many people might feel the same and not even be able to admit that. You're not wrong to tell your mother about how you truly feel. I once tell my mother suicidal words like, "Mom, I wanna go home." (yeah its silly when I thought about that now! I guess our past selves is really a nightmare!) at first she gets mad at me for saying things, telling me that its forbidden to say such an unlucky things. But then she just go along with her life, like she never heard what I said. But I hope you don't blame them! Parents are wrong to ignore their child, but at the same time I always think about how much burden they also have on their shoulders. The thing is, parents don't take us serious sometimes, its true. It's not that I want to steal everyone's attention by telling suicidal words. I only want someone to listen to my story and tell me some advice (and also someone who can open themselves to me, so I can feel needed!), but my mom always think that its just my teenage self, nagging around like a baby (yeah, and maybe I am haha) and I don't have any close friends to share words, so yeah, I got stuck at that point. Not knowing what I should do.
And as for suicidal thought, I know that feeling of "I don't wanna die, I just kinda want to know what'll happen if I do it" or anything else your reason is. At least if you feel hopeless and out of grip, you could go somewhere for an escape place. And if you can't, make some secret place in you house, like in the closets when you can just sit down on Saturday night, writing some poems or songs related to your story (whatever you like!) or even just listening to nice songs, and even crying. And even though you're an adult, you can still do all that stuff to! And I'm sorry if this all sound like bullshits, but I guess this is just me, glad to hear a related story with my life, and wanting to cheer you.
And I read that you have kids? Maybe you can make them a reason to stay a life a little longer until you find anything else you can take as a grip in life. And if you don't have any reason to prevent you from hurting yourself, maybe that reason is already there. Like a family. Maybe they love you, maybe they don't. But as long as you're loving them, then what's wrong with that.
Sometimes loving people can make us live longer that we are loving ourselves. And I guess it's a really important aspect in life? Even though right now I don't feel like loving anyone (even me--) Anyway, have a nice day! I'm sorry if this all sounds silly! It's my first time doing this, so forgive me if I said something wrong! I wish we both to found someone who can accompany us in life.
So hang in there

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Re: Truly lost and hate admitting how I really feel

Postby HeatherBliss » Thu Jun 13, 2019 8:34 pm

Hi friend. We are here for you and I'm glad you reached out today. There is much strength that can be derived in leaning on others for support. Although, I'm very saddened to know that you've gone through such hardships so early on in your life but just your being here is proof that you're going to make it. I know it doesn't seen like that right now but you are stronger than you know. It's okay to cry or feel down at times but I hope you don't give in to cutting yourself. You are an amazing gift to your children and to the world. I pray you'll always remember that.

If life ever gets too hard, please don't hesitate to reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline @ 1-800-273-8255. Just remember, you are special and you are loved by the Creator of the Universe. God bless you and I'll be praying for you.

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Re: Truly lost and hate admitting how I really feel

Postby j2415 » Mon Jun 17, 2019 1:51 pm

Hello- I’m very sorry you are going through this. Please don’t harm yourself. Try to talk to anyone you can trust or talk to us. Feel free to share your feelings here in the forum. I hope by being here will bring your relief. You can also try to join a support group that you can meet in person to help you feel less lonely and not alone.

I hope to hear from you again, please keep us posted. I pray for peace and things will go well with you. Take care, you children needs you. God bless.

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Re: Truly lost and hate admitting how I really feel

Postby tiredgrl » Sat Jun 22, 2019 8:32 pm

I’m sorry. I wish I had a solution or some kind of magic to make it stop. I know the urge to cut can be extremely hard to resist and the (very brief and never worth it) relief you get is appealing. You aren’t alone. What you’re feeling isn’t unnatural. The upside is this: the urge to cut and the pain that brought you there is temporary. It will subside. There will be moments of joy and awe and love in your life.

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