Putting up walls
Posted: Sun May 19, 2019 8:48 am
I think we put up walls for 2 reasons. One is self defense, because we dont want to hurt anymore. Two is because we want someone to care, and an overwhelming percentage of the time, this is how we find out fore sure no one does. I have isolated myself before, and found absolutly none there to pull me back out. At this point accepting that im still here because i dont have the guts to take the easy way out, and stop the pain, and loneliness. When you are ready to do yourself in, in mycase i think isolating youself is a little less selfish, because obviously it softens the emotional damage for whoever cares.
My girlfriend is the only person who i have ever liked. We were friends when we were younger, over 10yrs ago, and she was my favorite person. I had strong relationships with my small handfull of friends, including her, then my life took a very hard sh*t and noone was around anymore. I knew me and her had a connection, and that we would always be good together, but for 8 years i sat alone and watched time go by, and noone cared. Now were together, because i cared about her so much, and because when i was alone in the stress and emptyness, she was the only thing in the back of my mind, because of how i felt about her. This is not a healthy view to have of somebody, and i was aware of this the whole time, but their was nothing i could do about it.
Eventually i hit rock bottom, feeling truly and completly numb all day, knowing noone was going to message me, or contact me, learning to leave my phone at home to eliminate that hopefull feeling at the end of the day thay someone would contact me. This was a good thing for me because it had elimiated the endless cycle of being stimulated feeling brielfy better, and then tumbling back to the bottom. It also somewhat cured me of my anxiety, but replaced it with crippling pain, laying on the floor crying pain. Went to a concert alone and stayed completly numb the whole time, not allowing the music and exitement of the environment to stimulate my brain, saving me from coming down to the sad realisation that i still had nothing on the way home. I had learned myself to live in emptyness good and proper, and was hoping this would help me build up the strenght to end it.
By the time we were together, it was clear that the damage was done, i could feel nothing. I eventually mustered up the courage to tell her this. Sacraficing the only person i had i my life out of respect for her, she stayed with me. But it is all entirely up to me, she likes me, but if i said we should just be friends, she would agree. It is incomprehesable how much i like this person, but i dont even know what that means because she is the only one i have been with. I havnt seen her in a week, and this is my second day not talking to her. I am not testing anybody, or looking for attention. I hurt because i realized she can never feel the same way i do about her, and she is literally the only thing in my world. Dont know how she feels now, probably unaffectionate, but hasnt contacted me. She lived her entire life without me in it, and only cares about me now because i persued her. If i haddent, she would probably still not know i existed. This is not a healthy balace, and feer of being alone shouldnt be the driving force behind staying with someone. I would like to tell her all this but reaching out makes me feel completely spineless.
This is now dragging on a bit and is way longer then i wanted it to be. Thank you anyone who actually reads this, i realize having a significant other already puts me in a different bracket then a lot of people. But until a few months ago i was in the same boat, almost 3 decades of agonizing loneliness. Apologies for spelling/grammer.
My girlfriend is the only person who i have ever liked. We were friends when we were younger, over 10yrs ago, and she was my favorite person. I had strong relationships with my small handfull of friends, including her, then my life took a very hard sh*t and noone was around anymore. I knew me and her had a connection, and that we would always be good together, but for 8 years i sat alone and watched time go by, and noone cared. Now were together, because i cared about her so much, and because when i was alone in the stress and emptyness, she was the only thing in the back of my mind, because of how i felt about her. This is not a healthy view to have of somebody, and i was aware of this the whole time, but their was nothing i could do about it.
Eventually i hit rock bottom, feeling truly and completly numb all day, knowing noone was going to message me, or contact me, learning to leave my phone at home to eliminate that hopefull feeling at the end of the day thay someone would contact me. This was a good thing for me because it had elimiated the endless cycle of being stimulated feeling brielfy better, and then tumbling back to the bottom. It also somewhat cured me of my anxiety, but replaced it with crippling pain, laying on the floor crying pain. Went to a concert alone and stayed completly numb the whole time, not allowing the music and exitement of the environment to stimulate my brain, saving me from coming down to the sad realisation that i still had nothing on the way home. I had learned myself to live in emptyness good and proper, and was hoping this would help me build up the strenght to end it.
By the time we were together, it was clear that the damage was done, i could feel nothing. I eventually mustered up the courage to tell her this. Sacraficing the only person i had i my life out of respect for her, she stayed with me. But it is all entirely up to me, she likes me, but if i said we should just be friends, she would agree. It is incomprehesable how much i like this person, but i dont even know what that means because she is the only one i have been with. I havnt seen her in a week, and this is my second day not talking to her. I am not testing anybody, or looking for attention. I hurt because i realized she can never feel the same way i do about her, and she is literally the only thing in my world. Dont know how she feels now, probably unaffectionate, but hasnt contacted me. She lived her entire life without me in it, and only cares about me now because i persued her. If i haddent, she would probably still not know i existed. This is not a healthy balace, and feer of being alone shouldnt be the driving force behind staying with someone. I would like to tell her all this but reaching out makes me feel completely spineless.
This is now dragging on a bit and is way longer then i wanted it to be. Thank you anyone who actually reads this, i realize having a significant other already puts me in a different bracket then a lot of people. But until a few months ago i was in the same boat, almost 3 decades of agonizing loneliness. Apologies for spelling/grammer.