Putting up walls

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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past
Posts: 8
Joined: Sat Sep 08, 2018 2:28 pm

Putting up walls

Postby past » Sun May 19, 2019 8:48 am

I think we put up walls for 2 reasons. One is self defense, because we dont want to hurt anymore. Two is because we want someone to care, and an overwhelming percentage of the time, this is how we find out fore sure no one does. I have isolated myself before, and found absolutly none there to pull me back out. At this point accepting that im still here because i dont have the guts to take the easy way out, and stop the pain, and loneliness. When you are ready to do yourself in, in mycase i think isolating youself is a little less selfish, because obviously it softens the emotional damage for whoever cares.

My girlfriend is the only person who i have ever liked. We were friends when we were younger, over 10yrs ago, and she was my favorite person. I had strong relationships with my small handfull of friends, including her, then my life took a very hard sh*t and noone was around anymore. I knew me and her had a connection, and that we would always be good together, but for 8 years i sat alone and watched time go by, and noone cared. Now were together, because i cared about her so much, and because when i was alone in the stress and emptyness, she was the only thing in the back of my mind, because of how i felt about her. This is not a healthy view to have of somebody, and i was aware of this the whole time, but their was nothing i could do about it.

Eventually i hit rock bottom, feeling truly and completly numb all day, knowing noone was going to message me, or contact me, learning to leave my phone at home to eliminate that hopefull feeling at the end of the day thay someone would contact me. This was a good thing for me because it had elimiated the endless cycle of being stimulated feeling brielfy better, and then tumbling back to the bottom. It also somewhat cured me of my anxiety, but replaced it with crippling pain, laying on the floor crying pain. Went to a concert alone and stayed completly numb the whole time, not allowing the music and exitement of the environment to stimulate my brain, saving me from coming down to the sad realisation that i still had nothing on the way home. I had learned myself to live in emptyness good and proper, and was hoping this would help me build up the strenght to end it.

By the time we were together, it was clear that the damage was done, i could feel nothing. I eventually mustered up the courage to tell her this. Sacraficing the only person i had i my life out of respect for her, she stayed with me. But it is all entirely up to me, she likes me, but if i said we should just be friends, she would agree. It is incomprehesable how much i like this person, but i dont even know what that means because she is the only one i have been with. I havnt seen her in a week, and this is my second day not talking to her. I am not testing anybody, or looking for attention. I hurt because i realized she can never feel the same way i do about her, and she is literally the only thing in my world. Dont know how she feels now, probably unaffectionate, but hasnt contacted me. She lived her entire life without me in it, and only cares about me now because i persued her. If i haddent, she would probably still not know i existed. This is not a healthy balace, and feer of being alone shouldnt be the driving force behind staying with someone. I would like to tell her all this but reaching out makes me feel completely spineless.

This is now dragging on a bit and is way longer then i wanted it to be. Thank you anyone who actually reads this, i realize having a significant other already puts me in a different bracket then a lot of people. But until a few months ago i was in the same boat, almost 3 decades of agonizing loneliness. Apologies for spelling/grammer.

Starbuck
Posts: 40
Joined: Sat Feb 09, 2019 1:34 pm

Re: Putting up walls

Postby Starbuck » Sun May 19, 2019 1:53 pm

I think it's nice that you have someone in your life that adds value, but ultimately you have to do the work yourself to get out of that hole you crawled in. I'm sure many here have been in the same situation, sometimes it lasts months sometimes years but it's never too late to wake up from that nightmare. There are things that you need to start doing for yourself, and don't expect them to be easy, because they won't be. Don't wait for someone else to remember you exist, you need to remember that you exist. Know that walls that you've put up may keep people from coming in, but they are also preventing you from going out. Don't be your own prisoner. I wish you the best of luck!

past
Posts: 8
Joined: Sat Sep 08, 2018 2:28 pm

Re: Putting up walls

Postby past » Sun May 19, 2019 2:44 pm

Thank you very much, this means alot. You make very good points. The only issue is ,most of the time ,and epecially in my case, this wasnt something i did by choice. I was happy, a simple person, had wat i needed, didnt have to convince myself of anything. Things changed that were out of my controll and this made me miserable. I couldnt do anything about it. Tried for years to convinvince myself that i was happy and wanted things to be better an everything would be ok but this is what would eventually develope into lifechanging, crippling anxiety. Its like the universe is forcing you to be sad and its your only option besides mindnumbing axiety that really drives people away. Sadness is real. Axiety is terrible. Again im not looking for a medal, but i work f*cking hard, 50-60 hrs as a mechanic, make no money, and am left to struggle with circumtances that have indefinelty ensured i will be miserable. Basically i dont want to seem lazy, i hurt, deeply. I had no interest in being in these walls, but its feels like ive been put in my place. Trying to destroy them might destroy what little mental capacity i have left. That coupled with knowing no one cares is, harsh i gues, and more than is worth dealing with. Thank you again.

Starbuck
Posts: 40
Joined: Sat Feb 09, 2019 1:34 pm

Re: Putting up walls

Postby Starbuck » Sun May 19, 2019 4:57 pm

I understand that it's hard, I'm not trying to say that you have no right to feel this way, you do, your pain is very real. I'm not saying this is something that you can solve overnight (because you didn't get where you are overnight)..you can't, it's going to take time. What is the smallest thing that you can do, to get this ball rolling?

past
Posts: 8
Joined: Sat Sep 08, 2018 2:28 pm

Re: Putting up walls

Postby past » Sun May 19, 2019 5:27 pm

To be honest i dont know. I hope it doesnt sound to entitled to say i feel like i paid my penance and then some. I would say the biggest problem is motivation. I work, for no reason. I have no interest in what i do. I have literally never taken a sick day. And at the end of the day i dont know why. To be honest my views on this or pretty grim, but quite grounded i think. Why, basically. Wats the object. I have no goals. Sorry, this must seem argumentative. When your in the emptyness you have a lot of time to process things. I just really dont like the feeling that im basically trying to trick myself.

Starbuck
Posts: 40
Joined: Sat Feb 09, 2019 1:34 pm

Re: Putting up walls

Postby Starbuck » Mon May 20, 2019 5:06 am

Some artist don't know what the end result will be, but they start the project anyway. Imagine that you are a block of stone, now start chipping away to see what form lies beneath the surface. You may not see the point from where you're standing, but if you start walking, who knows?! Don't you think it's worth a try?

Sadinatura
Posts: 55
Joined: Mon Mar 04, 2019 6:26 pm

Re: Putting up walls

Postby Sadinatura » Mon May 20, 2019 2:22 pm

I believe we put up walls because we want someone to break them. Someone you trust, to break the walls and bombard it with their love you've been avoiding that now is overflowing into your base behind the walls.
-Inatura


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