What’s next?
Posted: Fri May 17, 2019 8:30 pm
I’m in a dark place. Not at the point where I feel I want to take my own life, but I’m deep. This isn’t the first time I’ve been here. I guess it’s true what they say, even the strongest of men can end up here. Then again, being labelled as the “strongest” is surely a subjective opinion. Am I strong? Am I weak?
As days go on, hours, minutes and even seconds I’m beginning to feel weaker and weaker. I cry myself to sleep most nights because I can’t bare to think about things anymore. The pain and the suffering from my past, from certain individuals and events, or even things that are out of my control; they all add up. I truly do believe that everything happens for a reason, and sometimes it isn’t fair, but there’s only so many times you’re able to pick yourself back up before you can’t do it anymore. You might question “Why can’t I?” You’d say that there are people out there far worse than me. I have a roof over my head, I’m able to eat and shower, I have a loving family. Which is a sufficient analysis...if you were to observe it from an outsiders perspective. Which is all you are; an outsider. I only allow you to see what I choose to, that doesn’t mean there aren’t other things going on. Only I myself know what goes on in my head, the mental battles and the mental strain I have to deal with day in and day out. Yes, granted I’m not the only one to feel this way, but I am well within my right to be selfish and not care about other people and their problems.
You may see my problems as small, that doesn’t necessarily mean that they are. To me, they’re huge. To me I feel the weight of all the pain, the upset, the hurt and the struggle on a daily basis. I try to do things to take my mind off of it, workout, work, take up new hobbies, socialise or even just lay down and relax. Nothing works. I’m now at the stage where I don’t want to see people anymore because I feel like I’m just going to be a burden because I’m unable to enjoy myself. I no longer have energy left in me to do the simplest of things like wanting to get out of bed or wanting to shower. I am both physically and mentally drained.
Now I know some may say “Go and see somebody, talk to somebody, it’ll help”. Again, that’s easier said than done. My mind is stuck between the fact I don’t want to be pressured into taking an artificial pill to give me a false sense of happiness. I want to feel true happiness, like I used to. I’m not prepared to be stuck in a vicious loop where I need to remember to take my pill so I can be happy for the day. To me, that’s just defeating the whole purpose of what I’m trying to achieve. It’s as if I’m again delaying the inevitable, which is falling back into the hole of being unhappy if I don’t take the tablet. I would quite confidentially say I’m a false person. I lead people to believe that I’m happy. I say and do things to make them happy. I have them believe that all is fine and dandy in my life and I’m this supposed ray of sunshine and positivity when in reality I’m not. Perhaps I’m to blame for the way I am, if I were true to myself and I didn’t act as though I’m somebody I’m not maybe then that’d help? I mean, I choose to hide how I truly feel, does that make me weak? I can’t even be true to myself. Where do I go from here? What do I do next?
This will seem pointless and dull to a lot of people, which I understand, I guess I just need to let something out.
As days go on, hours, minutes and even seconds I’m beginning to feel weaker and weaker. I cry myself to sleep most nights because I can’t bare to think about things anymore. The pain and the suffering from my past, from certain individuals and events, or even things that are out of my control; they all add up. I truly do believe that everything happens for a reason, and sometimes it isn’t fair, but there’s only so many times you’re able to pick yourself back up before you can’t do it anymore. You might question “Why can’t I?” You’d say that there are people out there far worse than me. I have a roof over my head, I’m able to eat and shower, I have a loving family. Which is a sufficient analysis...if you were to observe it from an outsiders perspective. Which is all you are; an outsider. I only allow you to see what I choose to, that doesn’t mean there aren’t other things going on. Only I myself know what goes on in my head, the mental battles and the mental strain I have to deal with day in and day out. Yes, granted I’m not the only one to feel this way, but I am well within my right to be selfish and not care about other people and their problems.
You may see my problems as small, that doesn’t necessarily mean that they are. To me, they’re huge. To me I feel the weight of all the pain, the upset, the hurt and the struggle on a daily basis. I try to do things to take my mind off of it, workout, work, take up new hobbies, socialise or even just lay down and relax. Nothing works. I’m now at the stage where I don’t want to see people anymore because I feel like I’m just going to be a burden because I’m unable to enjoy myself. I no longer have energy left in me to do the simplest of things like wanting to get out of bed or wanting to shower. I am both physically and mentally drained.
Now I know some may say “Go and see somebody, talk to somebody, it’ll help”. Again, that’s easier said than done. My mind is stuck between the fact I don’t want to be pressured into taking an artificial pill to give me a false sense of happiness. I want to feel true happiness, like I used to. I’m not prepared to be stuck in a vicious loop where I need to remember to take my pill so I can be happy for the day. To me, that’s just defeating the whole purpose of what I’m trying to achieve. It’s as if I’m again delaying the inevitable, which is falling back into the hole of being unhappy if I don’t take the tablet. I would quite confidentially say I’m a false person. I lead people to believe that I’m happy. I say and do things to make them happy. I have them believe that all is fine and dandy in my life and I’m this supposed ray of sunshine and positivity when in reality I’m not. Perhaps I’m to blame for the way I am, if I were true to myself and I didn’t act as though I’m somebody I’m not maybe then that’d help? I mean, I choose to hide how I truly feel, does that make me weak? I can’t even be true to myself. Where do I go from here? What do I do next?
This will seem pointless and dull to a lot of people, which I understand, I guess I just need to let something out.