Depression Understood Forums

My Story:
It all happened a few months ago. My twin brother Jadon, my best friend parker and my other friend josh were driving home, me behind the wheel. I don't remember what happened before or after the crash, due to the brain injury, i just heard what the police say happened. I must have hit a curb and it sent our car rolling. My twin brother died on the scene, me and parker had brain injuries and i couldnt move my whole left side. We both made it even though we werent supposed to, so why not Jadon also? I was in the hospital for three months after that, so i didn't get to go to his funeral or any of the memorials for him. How could i have screwed up so bad? I hurt so many people, sooo many people are affected by this whole thing. My parents really do help a lot, they know i blame myself, and they try to help me as much as possible. But i know they miss him so much, and they are depressed too. I hear my dad crying in his room sometimes late at night, and its all my fault. I want to end everything just to see him, but the only thing stopping me is how my parents would feel. Ill never put them through that again. I honestly dont know what to do.. i feel like im at a breaking point, have been. i need him so bad right now, and i know its impossible. I just want him to know how sorry i am, how incrediblyyy sorry i am. This never should have happened, if anything it should have been me. I was the stupid one who was driving too fast, on a neighborhood road i drive on everyday. why!! Nothings the same anymore. He was such an awesome kid. He could make anyone laugh, and everyone loved him, he was just such a good good person, and so happy, now that hes gone its just so lonely. It hurts, it hurts really bad. Knowing you can't see the one person you spent 16 years of your life with. How do i handle all this? because i really dont know if i can, and it scares me...Im just such an idiot. A huge, huge, idiot. I took my own brothers life, hurt my friends, and their parents too. It should have been me, it really should have. Man if i could just go back in time. School just sucks now. Its so hard to concentrate on that when all you really want to do is go home, cry, and think about all the good times. How am i going to get through this?

Jadon (just incase you can see this): Our 17th birthday is coming up. Our first birthday celebrated apart, can you believe it? I hope God makes it special for you J! Love you, and i cant wait to see you again. Im so sorry Jadon, i really am.

oh, DyLaN, I'm so sorry for all that has happened to you. I believe the first step in healing is forgiving yourself. I know, I know, easier said than done, but you and your family will never heal unless forgiveness happens. It seems that you have wonderful parents. They love you! Although they miss your brother, I'm sure, at the same time, they are happy that YOU are alive.

Also remember... tears are a part of healing. Your father crying proves only that he is missing your brother and his mind and body are trying to cope with the loss.

It's understandable where you are coming from, DyLaN. I urge you to seek help with therapy to try and make some sort of sense of all of this. But, the fact of the matter is, what happened to you and your family just plain sucks and is not fair at all. But please remember... you are ALIVE. I doubt your brother would want you to be mired down in guilt and depression. He knew you loved him, DyLaN. Please try to keep that in mind.

I do hope that you seek help with a doctor, and that, in time, you can learn to forgive yourself. We ALL make mistakes, DyLaN - especially when we are 16.

Good luck to you, and I hope to see you in the chat room affiliated with this site. ((((((((((((DyLaN)))))))))))) hugs to you...

((((((((((((((((((((((( DyLaN ))))))))))))))))))))))))

My heart and thoughts go out to you.

Remember your brother is part of you, you will never be without him. He will always be alive in your heart, and your parents.

Warmie