Depression Understood Forums

I'm only 13.
Life is hard.
I know others must be suffering it worse, but I just have to rant.
My life starts at my first primary school in Auckland, where I tried so hard to be popular and was kind of happy.. But then a girl named Daniella decided it would be fun to pick on me. When I was 9 I moved to Tauranga. My school was cool because it didn't have much rules so we just did whatever we wanted. I didn't have any friends but that was okay, I just read by myself at lunch and morning tea and I was happy. That was when I met Jovana.. She punched me in the face, shoved me one time which caused my knee to fly up into my neck. She bullied me for two years. Then when I was 11 I started intermediate. The best school I've ever been to. I was friends with every single person in my year group, plus some people older than me. My bus was the best! I even had a crush which is pretty hard to believe. Everything was fine at school and at home and I was absolutely loving my life. My school was my home and my friends were my family. Then, my 14 year old sister fell into depression when I was 12. She did bad things to herself (I won't say what cos too much detail isn't good for anyone) and she told me about it, and showed me what she did (which scarred me for life) and it was horrible. She said she didn't like the school. My parents decided it would be a good idea to move back to Auckland. I bawled my eyes out on my first day of school, nobody liked me. I'm ugly and unpopular. People talk about me behind my back. I managed to get through some of it thinking; at least my sister is happy. Then one day we get into a fight. I had a bad day at school, I was mad about something and unintentionally talked about someone behind her back. She heard. She cried. She told everyone. I had nothing to lose, but now all hope of making friends had just disappeared. Everyone talked about me, and I tried to apologise to her but she wouldn't listen. I cried so much and pretended I was sick so I could go home and think of what to do without the constant glares from my fellow classmates. When I got home, I was so flustered I ended up getting in a fight with my sister, saying "it's your fault we moved to Auckland! You are so happy but I'm not!" Of course, I was just angry and didn't realise the consequences. My sister went up to her room. When she came down, she vomited. And vomited. And vomited. (TRIGGER WARNING! I'm sorry but the next part includes mentions of attempted suicide) her head was lolling to the side, I didn't understand what was going on. Then my mum said "how much did you take?" and I came to a realisation. My sister overdosed. She said "70 paracetamols and some of something else" and my mum freaked out saying "thats too many" repeatedly and giving me practically a heart attack. We rushed to the hospital, and my sister looked like she was in pain and on the verge of collapse. I was dying inside the whole time. everyday I wonder, was it all my fault? Anyway, she got better. Now she goes to therapy and so do my parents. When I went back to school, I decided to make things right. I went to the principal, and told her what happened. "I was in a bad mood, and did something I shouldn't have. I would like to apologise to her if you could get her here that would be great." and she did. I apologised to the girl and she forgave me. At first I thought she just said that because the principal was there, but she was genuinely nice when we left too, so thats good. anyway, I started drama classes. I decided I wanted to become an actress. For some reason I feel like I won't be alive long enough to become one, I don't want to sound all gloomy but you never know what'll happen. Anyway, my sister is one of those people who goes around doing bad things (like drinking, smoking and other things) and she's only 15. My parents are oblivious to this and are trying to keep a leash on her and I'm the only one who knows all her secrets. Im too scared to tell anyone because its like I'm holding the weight of the sky in my arms. If I tell, she'll crumble. If she tries to *you know what* it will all be my fault again. And this time she probably won't fail. At school, I'm in a friend group of girls who all like acting like me. They are cool, but nobody can beat the friends from my old school. I made a plan to run away to Tauranga and to live in our Bach. It was a great idea, there's a bus that goes to a shop near my Bach. Mcdonalds is right next to my Bach so if I stole my parents money I could eat and stay in the Bach (theres also clean water). the plan was perfect. especially since our neighbour there is my friend so she could help me. I accidentally brought it up to my mum, and she threatened to break up with my dad if I did anything. there goes that plan. instead, I'm going to create a movie about me and my friend Kyla running away to Tauranga (just like I want to in real life) and once it gets famous on youtube, maybe my parents will feel pressured by the viewers of the video and actually let me move back. But it's too late now. I'm stuck here in hell. I know I'm skipping a lot, but I don't really remember. Anyway, I turned 13. I got death threats at school. Someone told me she wanted to strangle me and push me off a bridge??? that's kinda violent so I came back with a witty comeback but that's beside the point. As if my school life sucking wasn't bad enough? at home my family totally betrayed me. My mum is bipolar, and often screams at me, then later on comes to apologise to me (which I can tell is fake) and then comes back to yell at me. My dad is okay I guess, but he has the emotional range of a teaspoon and doesn't understand anything. He is at work all day every day anyway. I've been poisoned twice this year by my mum, who sneaks weird vegetable stuff into my food so that I become healthy and skinny. It's for a good cause, but not when I'm vomiting and screaming in pain at the cramps in my stomach. This morning, I was walking to the car to get dropped off at my bus stop and I was a little bit late. My mum came up to me and yelled "are you kidding me? You take too much time talking about your stupid dreams. It's a waste of time. I don't want to hear about them ever again. GET IN THE CAR!" and slammed the door in my face. The reason she's talking about dreams is because that morning I was telling her about what I want to be when I grow up and also dreams I have at night, which have a lot of meaning. I have learnt not to tell anyone about my dreams, they are a waste of time and even if someone looks interested, they are probably just faking it to be polite and they have something better to do. When I got home I brought up what my mum yelled at me in front of my dad and my sister, and my mum said "what? no thats not true. I would never say that. You are lying. Is it the cycle? It's just puberty. You're lying. You're a liar." and I kept saying "no I'm not lying" and then I said "do you believe me?" to my sister and she said "no" because even though she didn't even SEE ANYTHING she just automatically trusts my mum because she's older. Age discrimination much. Dad and my sister didn't even hear both sides of the story, and they automatically side up with my mum and leave me in the dark. One of my worst fears is people turning my friends and family against me, that happened. I don't really care about my family anymore, they don't need to trust me. and just because we are related by blood it does not mean we are family. Im ugly and I'm not talented, so they don't love me. I won't make them any money. My sister is good at singing, so they love her despite her problems. Nobody ever asks me how I'm doing. In fact, my whole family goes to counselling except me. Funny, I'm the one who blames myself every night for my sisters attempted suicide. Im not complaining though, whats the point in telling someone all my problems if they can't even do anything about them. As I was saying, the only real family I have are in Tauranga. My best friend in Tauranga, Esther, offered for me to live with her since my life was so bad. Her mum said she would adopt me. I was so happy, I cried. But then my mum told me she would break up with my dad if I went. So I had to stay. And then esters mum said that they didn't get to buy a new farm house, so there wasn't' enough rooms for me anyway. (but I don't need my own room! I would even sleep outside!) I just wish I could move In with someone. I would cook, clean, even sleep on the streets. I sound like such a spoilt brat. a 13 year old who has some serious problems. I just wish I could end it all. I really really want to die because then all my problems will go away, poof. nobody would greive, it would be like I was never there in the first place. I don't know if I have depression, I mean I haven't been diagnosed. Im too scared to go to the doctors to see if I have depression because when my sister was 14 she said to my parents "I think I have depression" and they said "you are getting it from your friends, find new friends. we are not putting you on medication you don't need." and then look what happened the next year. I know if I tell my parents they won't do anything about it. they will just treat me worse than they do now. there is nobody I can tell, nobody who can help me. I am all alone in this world and I always will be. I never thought a 13 year old could hold all these emotions but I do. If I become an actress, I hope all my problems will numb. Maybe I would have a shot at doing something amazing for the world. Maybe the whole world would love me. Anyway, I'm going to sleep. Goodnight and I hope I didn't waste your time by writing this.

Hello Charlie, You are certainly a talented writer. Have you considered writing as a way to express your talent? Being 13 you are dependent on your parents for food, shelter, and access to education so for now learning how to manage the next 5 years is of utmost importance. If you can take a step back from all the drama going on in your life, both at home and at school, and see a path through it for yourself I am sure you will be successful. Begin today by writing down your imaginations, dreams, and ideas. Take creative writing classes in school or sign up for after school workshops about writing. Get online and teach yourself how to write, but most importantly write. Become educated, start looking for writing scholarships for University, find your voice, and live your passion. However, understand that we are all on a journey and this is your story, this is the family you were given, and you can learn how to navigate through the hardships. Running away would be disastrous. For now expressing yourself through written word will help you deal with your emotions, your creativity, and you don't have to get approval from your parents to write. Find a mentor in a teacher and follow your dreams.

Try Brazilian Jiu Jitsu! It will give you self confidence, friends, and a physical outlet! Also, I've found middle school to be quick challenging. It's hard to tell who really is your friend. Have you considered going to a church youth group? That's a great place to meet good people with better values. Hope this helps!

Like the other poster said it's critical that you are able to step back from the drama. If there is too much drama in our lives then we can't step up and get on with enjoying life or taking care of responsibilities or develop our skill in what our interest is. Try taking breaks where you are by yourself in a quiet place were you can reflect and brainstorm and chill out and be still and gather composure. If you can do this enough and when you need, you can gather your composure. When you have your composure then you can work on getting skills to make a life for yourself that you dream of. There are four parts to this, motivation, a model and help, analysis, and trying stuff out. If you can explore the positive things we can do in life, follow your interests, and become inspired, then you are well on your way to a better life. But composure is the first step. It's not easy when you're young, but there is plenty help out there to help you get through specific instances if you need some guidance. Hope this helps, and hope you find your way.

Charlie, You've found a good hobby: writing. Get on with it, we all want to hear about it.

Hi sweetheart - thank you so much for sharing your story and letting us get to know you. My heart is sad that you carry around all these heavy concerns. If you can't talk to your parents, then I would encourage you to ask the administrative staff at school for phone numbers of safe people you can talk to. You need to find someone you can trust.

I know it may not be easy at first, calling strangers for help, but there are so many wonderful dedicated adults who have committed their lives to helping young people in situations such as yours. In addition to finding someone through the school, try calling a pastor at a Bible believing church, a hotline worker, or maybe a teacher you had in the past that you look up to and respect. Write out on a piece of paper everything you want to say so when someone answers the phone, you will be more comfortable sharing your urgent needs.

Please do your very best to take that first step to get help. I know it will make you feel better once you are connected to someone who will listen and understand. I'll be thinking of you.

As a person who is not much older than you(15) I would seriously suggest talking to someone at school. I dont think we ever realize how alone we feel until we see the difference so please use the opportunities we have to get help. It may seem like everyone at school is against you but they really aren't, they just dont know enough about your situation. And if you dont want your parents involved just tell whoever you talk to not to tell. I understand from experience what its like to feel so hopeless but I really do recommend talking to someone.
Hope this helps