Good day, I won't take up too much of your time, I hope.
I have been going to the chat room for a couple of weeks now, and most of the time I am able to hold my tongue and keep it above the belt...so to speak.
I have a few things to get off my chest, and I hope no one is too offended.
1. i have considered suicide on several occassions, even attempted and obvioulsy failed. I have suicidal thoughts almost every month, but, I don't do it. Why? Because suicide is a selfish act. No stopping to consider the feelings of those who are left behind to grieve you. And there IS always someone. Plus, I have been on the cusp of life and death on more than one occassion in my life, I am not ready to give up on this one.
And I understand that losing someone like a girlfriend or boyfriend or spouse hurts, a lot. But try being in a womans shelter with stitches in your back because of the beating you just took protecting your 14 month old daughter. Try laying there in the dark, with this deer in the headlights stare from your tramautized child, she is just staring into your soul and it is ripping you to shreds with guilt and fear. You know you have to leave the situation you are in. You are penniless, home less, and you are 2 provinces away from your family.
Or, The day you graduate from college, full time student, full time single parent, and 7 hours before you graduate, your neurologist tells you that you have Multiple sclerosis...and the career path you chose may not be the most advisable anymore!
Not to make light of anyones feelings, you are entitled to them, but if I can come back from that, what is stopping you?
And I did it alone, with a child.
2. Domestic violence is not just hitting and yelling.
It is about control, and it hurts.
It is yelling, hitting, sexual betrayal, crazy making, and so many other things.
If you are already having problems with a significant other and you are dating? HELLO!!!!! Does he or she need to kill you? It is only going to get worse because guess what? You are basically giving him permission to carry on being a jerk by not standing up to him/her and telling them you will not be treated like you are subhuman.
WAKE UP!!! You CANNOT save him/her. You CANNOT change him/her.
You can only change yourself...period.
Maybe this is just a bad mood , maybe this is just me reacting to some of the things I read in chat, I don't know.
But, this is me and my feelings.
I won't apologize, and I expect to be blasted.
Cheers to all.
And remember...If I can rise from the ditch I have been thrown in then so can you. NOTHING is impossible, unless you give up on yourself.
Instigator
Before you consider the end please read...
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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
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(((((((((((((((((((((( Instigator )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
The warmest, most tender hug to you!!!!!!!!!!! Amazing is what I see with you. All you wrote, from the heart.
It is also 'verbal and that ever so mental control' that has to be had. Been there, done it !!
So so SO TRUE!!!!
There is absolutely no reason for you to apologize, what, for stating the truth?? And no need of your being blasted, by anyone. If anyone has lived this life, they know you are speaking the truth, caring for others and trying to help others to see what life is really about. So they don't have to live a life such as that, to know the 'chain' can be broken.
Thank you so much for taking the time to write this. I for one, appreciate it.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Instigator )))))))))))))))))))) continue the fight for yourself and your child (children). How bless they are to have you, to call you "Mom/Mother".
Warmie
The warmest, most tender hug to you!!!!!!!!!!! Amazing is what I see with you. All you wrote, from the heart.
Domestic violence is not just hitting and yelling.
It is about control, and it hurts.
It is yelling, hitting, sexual betrayal, crazy making, and so many other things.
It is also 'verbal and that ever so mental control' that has to be had. Been there, done it !!
You can only change yourself...period.
So so SO TRUE!!!!
There is absolutely no reason for you to apologize, what, for stating the truth?? And no need of your being blasted, by anyone. If anyone has lived this life, they know you are speaking the truth, caring for others and trying to help others to see what life is really about. So they don't have to live a life such as that, to know the 'chain' can be broken.
Thank you so much for taking the time to write this. I for one, appreciate it.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Instigator )))))))))))))))))))) continue the fight for yourself and your child (children). How bless they are to have you, to call you "Mom/Mother".
Warmie
Last edited by Warmsoul/Jeanie13 on Fri Jan 09, 2009 2:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Instigator,
I cannot see how anyone would even consider blasting you. Someone always takes a chance when they let out what is deep inside and deserves to be applauded no castigated.
Obviously you are going (and have gone through) a lot of stuff in your life.No one deserves to be treated the way that you have been. I know that in my life I have often said that the emotional abuse that a partner or someone close can inflict on someone is just as bad as physical abuse, except that the bruises don't show and you have had both.
Hang in there and be sure to keep writing. Don't try to keep all this stuff inside. I speak from experience because for about 49 years of my life (and I am now only 51), I took whatever was dished out at me. All that did was give me ulcers and I ended up full of rage.I was fortunate because I do have people in my life who are finally listening to my story and don't judge.
Like I said I encourage you to keep posting. We'll listen.
FAB
I cannot see how anyone would even consider blasting you. Someone always takes a chance when they let out what is deep inside and deserves to be applauded no castigated.
Obviously you are going (and have gone through) a lot of stuff in your life.No one deserves to be treated the way that you have been. I know that in my life I have often said that the emotional abuse that a partner or someone close can inflict on someone is just as bad as physical abuse, except that the bruises don't show and you have had both.
Hang in there and be sure to keep writing. Don't try to keep all this stuff inside. I speak from experience because for about 49 years of my life (and I am now only 51), I took whatever was dished out at me. All that did was give me ulcers and I ended up full of rage.I was fortunate because I do have people in my life who are finally listening to my story and don't judge.
Like I said I encourage you to keep posting. We'll listen.
FAB
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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
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Wow, instigator. That was a very powerful post. Coming out alive from that type of situation is something that you should be, and obviously are proud of. Good for you.
I agree that anything can be overcome as well. Unfortunately, I do think there are people who have fallen down so deeply, that they cannot see that. Hopefully, in time, these souls that depression has enveloped will be able to pick themselves up, rise up, and triumph, just as you did.
Thank you for sharing your history like that, instigator. Hopefully it will inspire others to find the courage within themselves.
I agree that anything can be overcome as well. Unfortunately, I do think there are people who have fallen down so deeply, that they cannot see that. Hopefully, in time, these souls that depression has enveloped will be able to pick themselves up, rise up, and triumph, just as you did.
Thank you for sharing your history like that, instigator. Hopefully it will inspire others to find the courage within themselves.
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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
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I've thought of suicide myself as well.
Though it was mainly out of reasons of purpose. For a while I thought that I had found my own place as being a writer but apparently according to a lot of people that I show my work to, I really do suck.
And really when you're only marginally good at something and then bad at everything else in life - there really doesn't seem to be a reason to keep going. At least that's what I usually think to myself at the lowest low.
The thing that usually stops me is cowardice. Too afraid to really make that final move.
And so I come back from the edge and I start to wonder, "What's the more braver thing for me to do? To keep living a life where I have no usefulness or to make the leap to my own death?"
Pretty tough question, I'll admit.
Though it was mainly out of reasons of purpose. For a while I thought that I had found my own place as being a writer but apparently according to a lot of people that I show my work to, I really do suck.
And really when you're only marginally good at something and then bad at everything else in life - there really doesn't seem to be a reason to keep going. At least that's what I usually think to myself at the lowest low.
The thing that usually stops me is cowardice. Too afraid to really make that final move.
And so I come back from the edge and I start to wonder, "What's the more braver thing for me to do? To keep living a life where I have no usefulness or to make the leap to my own death?"
Pretty tough question, I'll admit.
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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
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Hi brokenpen. Glad you posted and decided to live this life! I actually think it's more brave to live...
Please don't let others discourage you. I'm sure someone, at some point, told Mark Twain that he sucked! People all have opinions; it does not mean they are right.
I would encourage you to pick your pen up again and write. Write everyday about anything. Free writing is a great way to not only get your feelings out, but to keep your creative juices flowing!
And yes... I'm a writer too. We all feel that we suck sometimes, brokenpen. Don't give up. Fight for what you love, which seems to be writing. I believe that all crafts can be worked on and made better, brokenpen. Take a course in writing, maybe? I did, and that's where I really fell in love with it.
Glad you posted, and hope to hear from you again.
Please don't let others discourage you. I'm sure someone, at some point, told Mark Twain that he sucked! People all have opinions; it does not mean they are right.
I would encourage you to pick your pen up again and write. Write everyday about anything. Free writing is a great way to not only get your feelings out, but to keep your creative juices flowing!
And yes... I'm a writer too. We all feel that we suck sometimes, brokenpen. Don't give up. Fight for what you love, which seems to be writing. I believe that all crafts can be worked on and made better, brokenpen. Take a course in writing, maybe? I did, and that's where I really fell in love with it.
Glad you posted, and hope to hear from you again.
aim wrote:Hi brokenpen. Glad you posted and decided to live this life! I actually think it's more brave to live...
Please don't let others discourage you. I'm sure someone, at some point, told Mark Twain that he sucked! People all have opinions; it does not mean they are right.
I would encourage you to pick your pen up again and write. Write everyday about anything. Free writing is a great way to not only get your feelings out, but to keep your creative juices flowing!
And yes... I'm a writer too. We all feel that we suck sometimes, brokenpen. Don't give up. Fight for what you love, which seems to be writing. I believe that all crafts can be worked on and made better, brokenpen. Take a course in writing, maybe? I did, and that's where I really fell in love with it.
Glad you posted, and hope to hear from you again.
Actually, I have taken classes in writing - several of them in fact. I'm also working towards a major in professional and creative writing.
aim wrote:Just read your, "story," brokenpen - saw that. I also posted in response to it.
You seem like a very well-read and intelligent young man. Don't let others affect you.
Oh, I try not to. Although they say that sticks and stones may break bones but words can never hurt. I would disagree because words seem to hurt something beneath the bones - the soul.
It gets worse as a writer because as you're sitting down and actually writing things out the words come up again and again like pop-up ads for the mind.
But I try to keep going forward.
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