about me..

[aella]

hi all.. just thought id share my story with u. i believe ive had ocd tendencies from a very early age, i remember having to touch something with both hands from as little as 7 or 8 years old. When i was 10 i was abused, unfortunately. I never told anyone about it. After that at the age of 16 i got into a very abusive relationship. It lasted 3 and a half years. During that time, my bf would taunt me about my body, and generally torment me. I suffered a great deal of mental and emotional abuse. It ended in him leaving me.
During that time i dropped out of university, found myself unemployed and still am till this day. I had and still have no friends. I was unable to drive and i had made many attempts on my life. Ive been seeing a psychologist now for about 2 years. Ive tried ativan, lexapro, efexor, paxil, halcion, stilnox, seroquel.. the list goes on. I still suffer from severe panic attacks, anxiety and depression. During the last year ive gained a massive 20 - 25 kg and ive found myself lacking the motivation to do anything about it. Im constantly miserable and i find no pleasure in anything anymore. Although i have a bf now (we've been together for over a year) im still hopelessly depressed. I have no idea where my life is heading, and that scares the hell out of me I feel as if things will never get better. I spend my days locked in my room, and house.. with nothing to do.. often staring at the walls. Everyday i find it harder to go on. I wish i knew why this was happening to me. And what will it take in order for it to go away. I am so fed up.

[Beenthere]

Aella, I read your posting and wish to offer support. I hope you know that you are not alone in your situation and that there are thousands of good people like yourself that are experiencing some of the pains that you have noted in your posting. You have endured some very challenging life situations and they have hurt you but they don't have to defeat you. I will list some things that you might find helpful and that may "kick-start" you into getting some relief. Just to qualify myself, I have experienced much of what you noted in your posting within my own life and have worked hard to learn and come out of the other end of the pain. Here are some things that you might find helpful to break out of the cycle of the anxiety and depression.

1. Invest in yourself. (It will pay off)
-Keep seeking the help of a licensed professional psychologist. I hope yours is good and isn't just prescribing meds as your only solution. If you are not getting results from your current psychologist do not be afraid to investigate seeing a different one. Shop around but find someone that specializes in Post Traumatic Stress, anxiety, OCD, depression and deep analysis. I can't speak to your case but sometimes meds can be just a temporary step with the eventual goal of getting off of meds. Sometimes not, only you will know but more often than not, meds are just a booster or helpful tool if followed up with professional therapy. Do not ever just stop taking your meds. That will not help you. You need to work out a detailed plan with your therapist if you decide it's time to stop taking them.

- Use some of the time in which you stay at home feeling stranded and alone to ignite your curiosity as to why this is happening to you. I suggest reading a good book to help your journey such as "Sensible Self-Help" by David Grudermeyer, Ph.D.; Rebecca Grudermeyer. This book is and excellent resource in helping road map where you are and why you might be experiencing some of the depression and anxiety. Let your curiosity of why this is happening drive your enthusiasm to learn and overcome this period of time in your life. And remember this situation is just a period of time in your life. It doesn't define you or your life.

- Exercise. No matter how hard it is just to get out of bed or find the slightest bit of motivation, you should get out and exercise for 30 minutes a day(or more if possible). I can't stress enough how important this step is. It will help your body naturally fight off some of the negative chemical situations created by depression. Also a good byproduct of doing this is you feel better from the after effects of exercise and it helps the self esteem as the body will naturally get back into shape.

Aella please remember:
- You are not alone. Anxiety and depression are real and you would be surprised just how many people around you suffer in the same way.

- You can win your life back! Anxiety and depression can be beat. In most cases totally and in the worst cases it can be controlled with proper therapy and you can experience joy and wonder in your life again.

- It's okay to be a little self centered during this time. You have earned the right to be and you should not feel guilty. Sometimes when your suffering depression you can't think about anyone but yourself and how bad things feel. It's okay to be self centered as long as you are working hard and taking the steps to get better.

- You are never alone even though it may feel like it.

- When you feel you are ready, volunteer your time and talents to the less fortunate via some sort of church or charity. It can help you to know that your helping others. It's always nice to forget about how sad you may feel by making someone else's day brighter. It's also good to know that no matter how bad we feel about our own individual lives there are others that have it worse than we do and are suffering too.

Aella, I wish you the best. Good luck in your journey. You have endured some bad things in your life but you sound like the kind of person that will conquer them. Stay strong!

[Phat|Package]

....aella, I'm so sorry for the hardships you have faced in your life... but as beenthere has already pointed out, you are not alone. regardless of your past, there is still time, still hope to improve your life. You must believe in this... believe it and cling on to it with everything youve got. I promise aella, if you believe it and work for it, happiness wont be able to hide for long. ....

Everyone may feel fear towards thoughts of the future... its natural to fear the unknown. its what we do with that fear the enables us to push past it. take that fear and turn it into determination, determination to live a better life.

were here for you hun... my best wishs are with you <3

-=PHAT|PACKAGE=-
Also, I hope you will stop into our IRC chat... there's a lot of good caring people there.... it always helps to know theres others going through the same... that we aren't alone.