I am a disgrace to everyone

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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I am a disgrace to everyone

Postby lulu95 » Mon Feb 26, 2018 5:34 am

Hey guys,
I appreciate whoever takes the time to read this and appreciate any feedback as I need help.
I’m a 24 year old female and I don’t know what is wrong with me. I’m really starting to hate myself as I have made so many mistakes in my life. A few years ago I was addicted to marijuana, I’ve been clean almost a year now. I’ve also expiremented with the drug ice a number of times. Have not touched it in months only did it a number of times socially. I have basically betrayed most of my friends. I’ve slept with three of my friends boyfriends, one of my friends was even pregnant at the time! it’s like I didn’t think about the consequences or the persons involved. I’ve cheated in every relationship I’ve had. I’ve also taken out a $5,000 loan not for me but for a guy that I was seeing to help him out. He hasn’t paid me back and we are no longer seeing each other as he used me. I can’t save money and I’m in debt even though I live at home with Mum and dad.
I do things rationally. Every day when I wake up it’s a struggle. Nothing excites me.
I used to love drawing, go out and exercise but nothing excites me anymore. I look at myself in the mirror and just cry as I hate the person I have become. I’ve hurt so many people and torn apart relationships, it’s shameful because word gets around about me and I’m left with nobody but myself. I’m sitting here even feeling nauseous and shakes typing this. I don’t know what to do anymore.

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Joined: Tue Jun 06, 2017 9:33 am

Re: I am a disgrace to everyone

Postby Suzi » Tue Feb 27, 2018 10:42 am

You are not a disgrace to everyone. You may have made some bad choices, but don't let your past define and control your future. Don't dwell on the past. Make amends and apologies to those you have hurt and then move on.
You say you like to draw. Have you checked into art schools in your area? Or looked into ways you can use your artistic ability to make someone else happy.
Please know there are always options and choices. As long as you are living and breathing each new day can be the first day of the rest of your life.
I have grown so much and recovered by reading self help books. Take Your Life Back by Dr. David Stoop is a good one. I hope you will check it out and be open to what he is saying. I am saying a prayer for you that you are able to move beyond your past, find hope and peace and joy.

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Re: I am a disgrace to everyone

Postby ImJohn » Tue Feb 27, 2018 11:30 am

Hello Lulu,

Well that was quite a confession you posted there (here). I hope that just writing it has helped you a little in coming to a realisation that your life (and your behaviour) hasn't been the best. But take heart because the future is all before you and things can change as you clearly realise they must.

I'll tell you what I think in a minute but before I do I think it's only fair to tell you that I'm male, from the UK and have a son who's about your age. The only things I know about you are what you've posted here and, as I've said, my life and circumstances are quite different from yours so I'm sorry if I misunderstand where your coming from.

First up then this sleeping around, being unfaithfully and betraying your friends. Not good but, to be fair, it takes two to tango so your friends boyfriends were being unfaithful too. It's not all your fault so don't take all the blame yourself. In a way you're a victim of circumstances (I bet they 'came on' to you for the most part) and, since you're clearly a thrill seeker (more on that in a moment) you accepted. Am I right?

The drug taking you've already realised hasn't been good for you and you've been brave enough to stay clean for quite a while so congratulations on that. There's more than a glimmer of hope here. :D

And you've clearly been taken for a ride over this loan. That's quite a lesson you've had (and an expensive one) so you'd best learn from it - "A loan oft loses both itself and friend ..."!

Now to this thrill seeking. Some people (like racing drivers) don't get excited (or scarred) quickly compared to people in general. They only feel the 'thrill' of speed at 200 mph whereas generally it's, say, 90 mph. You could be in that category. You crave excitement (I think) because you said "...but nothing excites me anymore." You'll need to find a 'non-destructive' outlet for that. Sport may do that if you take it seriously (playing at it won't help) so that you're right on the edge of your ability and it's a close match / race or whatever.

And, Lulu, I don't know if you'll see this or not but perhaps you can take some time out to consider what else there is apart from 'excitement'. Yes, you need excitement and perhaps more than most, but what about calm after the storm as it where. You know sitting quietly doing nothing much or watching the sunrise or mulling over a piece of poetry.

Finally, you'll have to face the fact that you've lost a lot recently both externally (friends, money) and internally (peace of mind, positive self image). But the good news is that you've made the first step on a new way of life - that's why you posted here is it not? It'll be tough and there will be setbacks but you can do it I know you can!

Good luck


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Joined: Mon Feb 26, 2018 4:32 pm

Re: I am a disgrace to everyone

Postby Myhealer » Wed Feb 28, 2018 3:40 pm

Thank you for sharing your story. Its good that you are honest about what you have done. You have already begun to change for good. I am not saying what you have done is right or good but the fact that you are honest shows that you want to change and that is possible. I am not sure what exactly has led you to do all the things that you have done in the past but there is good news. You do not have to dwell in your past. “It certainly sounds like you’ve been through a lot! Have you considered speaking with a counselor to help you process the past and create a game plan about how to move forward and get better step by step?” Please let me know if you need to speak to a counsellor.

I have heard of a number of testimonies where people have done worse things and have found forgiveness, healing and hope in Jesus. We are all sinners and we live in a world full of sin but there is hope in Jesus who has taken all of our sin on himself in order that we may have forgiveness. I have received this forgiveness and peace from Him.You can begin by asking forgiveness from the one who took all our sin upon himself. He will take all your wrongdoings upon himself and clothe you with His purity. After this you can then ask forgiveness from the people you have hurt or betrayed. Praying for you to find forgiveness and peace. You are precious and not a disgrace! Praying for healing over you.

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Joined: Tue Jun 06, 2017 9:33 am

Re: I am a disgrace to everyone

Postby Suzi » Sun Mar 11, 2018 6:38 pm

lulu95, how are you doing?

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Joined: Tue Mar 20, 2018 10:05 pm

Re: I am a disgrace to everyone

Postby foreverbeach11 » Tue Mar 20, 2018 10:28 pm

Hi Lulu. Congratulations on being sober for a year now! That is an awesome accomplishment. We have all made mistakes in our lives and I am sorry you are going through this. Consider forgiving yourself first and then asking others for forgiveness. As we forgive ourselves, then we are able to ask others for forgiveness and this releases the guilt that we feel. You are not a disgrace. You have made steps towards improving your life. You are doing a good job. Have you considered counseling to help you remain drug free and to help you overcome the emotions that you are feeling? You said you loved to draw. Have you considered drawing to help release some of your emotions? Sometimes drawing can be a good therapy and helps you feel better. Exercising helps relieve stress and anxiety and also can help you feel better. If you consider exercising, be sure to check with your doctor first if you have any health issues. When you look in the mirror think about saying positive things about yourself. Things will get better and there is hope for your life. Wishing you well.

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