Depression Understood Forums

I am a 15-year-old male that is struggling with family relations. The fact that I haven't experienced the hardship of adulthood makes me very uncomfortable of posting this, but I'm doing this just because I've been holding back my emotions for a very long time and that its the most comfortable way for an introvert like me to share my feelings. I'll try to be brief as possible about my story.
Lately, I've been overthinking and have been told that I am. My father and my mother have been divorced when I was born. My father flew with me and my sister while I was around a few months or years old (I couldn't remember) to Asia. I have lived with him and my stepmom for about 13 years. Back there, I've been questioning my father on who my birth mother was and what she was like. Of course, the answers were negative. He said that she doesn't care about me and that I don't love him, which made me felt guilty at that time. Regardless of his answer, I still felt the need to see my mom. Years passed by and my sister has gone through her teenage years, she also experienced depression and suicidal thoughts. She rebelled against my father and left to live with my mom on another continent. From then on I missed her so much and kept on having flashbacks on the "good'ol days". Same goes for my younger step-brother who also moved to live with his aunt on that continent. I felt lonely and distant. To be separated from 8 of my siblings (yes, eight) and my mom gave me the habit to overthink everything and try to make sense of everything.
One time on Winter Break, my family went to visit my step-brother for a few weeks. Keep in mind, I got to travel to that continent. At that time, in the middle of my trip, my father asked me as he did with my step-brother, but for a different circumstance, "Do you want to tkae highschool here son?" That also meant that I had to trade places with my step-brother. I made the most impulsive decision ever. I replied yes and once I graduated from 8th grade, during the summer I traveled to the continent. I was then very lonely. I missed everyone back at Asia; my family and mostly the friends I've been with for years. One year at that country and I made another impulsive decision, "Dad, can I go back to Cambodia?" My dad accepted the decision, but after coming in contact with my mom and sister online, I've been easily influenced. I asked him a few weeks/days later, "Dad, I want to stay here. I think the education this country serves is better." He picked up on the fact that I wanted to go live with my mom. After weeks/days of persuasion and begging, I went to live with my mom.

I was promised happiness, security, and comfort. And god was I dead wrong. There were circumstances involved that I didn't know of or knew too late: My sister lives with her boyfriend; My mom is struggling with financial issues, her relationship with her recently divorced boyfriend who's roof we lived under, taking care of my very young little sister, finding a job, and, of course, getting a grip on her own emotions. Once I arrived, the first few days were good, but something felt a bit off. After those weeks we took a 2-month trip back Asia where I reunited and reconnected with everyone that was important to me. Coming back to this America however, things started to change. I hear constant screaming and fighting going on around the household. I've been told the troubles my mom is in. My mom is always, with a loud thunering voice, talking about how miserable her life is to her friend on the phone. Whenever I came back from school, I always had to listen to my mom's complaints, her adult life, and, once, her suicidal thoughts. As a person that supresses his emotions to an unhealthy level up until now ever since middle school, I never knew how to respond to her feelings as her son. Am I supposed to provide the parent emotional support? Why have I not known about the unhealthy relationship between her "boyfriend"? Should I worry about where and how my mom gets the money? What happened to the trust she says she has for me? Why does she think I play games all day and not do homework? Why does she bring up the fact that my sister has skipped classes to smoke? Is she suspecting me to do it as well?
Today, I got scolded by my mom. Transportation in this new environment is inconvenient as we have 2 kids (including me) and 2 cars (one big one and one two seated ones) Both my mom and "step-dad" are occupied with work today. Sometimes I walk 3 miles home, but today I rode an Uber. However, I didn't find any keys to the house where it was supposed to be and for some reason, I'm responsible for it. I accidentally broke the window on the way in instead of waiting for 4 hours for my mom to come home. She scolded me on how her boyfriend shouted at her for bringing me here in the first place for the past few months and how the keys are missing and such, also what she's going to say to him about the window. I don't know if this is a "suffering" worth posting. But I've tried to be a good kid and not burden other people about my feelings. Lately, I felt useless. My mom says all I have to worry about is studying and helping her "a bit" around the house and such, and that what I have to only worry about is simple and easy. What's the point of me existing if I cause so much trouble? Why don't I just get erased from existence? Shouldn't I have stayed back with my aunt? Why have I made such an irrational deluded decision? Why have I put more sh*t up for my mom and her boyfriend? I'm a waste of space, but I'm trying and striving. But I don't know how to keep going and to stay motivated. Especially for the second quarter of my sophomore year. I need to get the grades. I need to keep my mom satisfied. I just need to get my homework done. I need to get personal projects done. Yet here I am, unable to talk about these problems to family or friends apart from my mom who told me I don't have to worry about sh*t. I'm worthless and the only things that keep me up are my laptop, gaming, music, and art (specifically sketching/drawing, I've been told I'm talented). What the hell do I do with this situation? I can't go back to my aunt or my father since the flight is way to expensive and I don't want to burden them with the money and the costs. I'm sad, confused, and questioning.

Wow. I'm so sorry that you're going through all of this. I know that you said that you're young, but, please, don't feel ashamed or embarrassed or as if you need to minimize what you are experiencing. Being young and under your parent's influence is difficult. What I can tell you, is that it gets better. I'm a child of divorced parents. The challenges that come with that are never easy, but I promise as you get older, you're better able to handle them. I'm also introverted, but I have challenged myself to speak with my friends about my feelings. I know it's difficult, but I promise that people want to help. Keeping feelings bottled up is never healthy. Don't give up, friend! You're going to make it--and come out better and stronger than you think!

If there is one choice you made that is correct, it would be coming to America. Minors (under 18) are heavily protected, even if you're not a citizen. Study hard, my friend. It is not much longer until you graduate high school and either enter the workforce or college. Whichever path you may choose, you will be living away from her. Until then, hold on. Before you come to a final conclusion about your purpose in life, let the next chapter as a full adult start. Do you go to a public high school? Apologies if it was the wrong assumption, but from your mother's economic situation, I just assumed she would not be paying for you to attend a private school. Make friends with classmates that you hadn't talked to before, even if they are a different age than you. At public schools, there are all types of people, and you never know when you'll meet someone going through the same family issues.

I will not say anything generic like "forgive her, she has troubles", because forgiveness comes with understanding. If she's angry or upset more than she is happily talking to you, it may be better to not let that control your life. I am not saying you will find happiness, but the American colleges give you a chance to get a good education and leave your childhood issues behind. Perhaps focusing on something that you can control, and let the attitude you have toward that be the highlight of your days. Whether that be a club, a sport, a fun class, your friends, whatever brings you joy in the day.

I'm sorry you've been through all this hardship while you deserve a peaceful and happy childhood/adolescence. Please try to believe that none of your parents' relationships and problems are your responsibility, because they are not. Your parents decided that you grow up without your biological mother, your mother's decisions put her in those difficulties you described. It is natural for you as the child to feel guilty about your parents being unhappy (been there, felt that. I once thought it was all my fault that my parents had a rocky relationship), but one day you will realize that's their problem, not yours.

It makes things more complicated that you have relocated so far away. When I was 8 or so my father took me to another continent (20 hours flight. Imagine the distance) with the intention of migration. My mother was not with us. Everyone and everything, including the language, was new. I could not even make a phone call back home because, well, there was no telephone in our apartment, and public phones worked only for domestic calls. I still vividly remember my father made me call a lady "mommy," and while I whispered the word because I feared my father's tempers, I thought, "She's not my mother you -------." (Bad language censored. I watch my mouth when addressing a minor.) School was hell for the first three months, but I managed to learn the language quickly with the help of a devoted teacher, since then things got better and I was even able to make a few friends. I agree with rachelangelo, things will get better even though they look bleak right now. Try to take care of yourself because ultimately that's what matters, and look for good things, however small they may be, that life can offer.

While you can get some support here, is there someone to whom you can talk in person, like a teacher you trust, or the school counselor? I believe you can benefit from counseling. Also, if it is legal in your area, you could consider getting a part-time job.