Living with Depression, Anxiety, and PTSD. Suffering in Silence
Posted: Mon Sep 25, 2017 4:28 am
I write this today with a great longing and emptiness within myself. My Name is Ecca and I am about to turn 17 soon. When I was young, I was always bullied for all of my public school life. Up until 6th grade when I turned twelve this got the best of me. Not only was I being verbally abused by my EX-Step Father and mother (Yes both sides) I started to develop depression and PTSD symptoms. When 6th grade hit I did manage to keep some friends I had from elementary school. But the bullying did not stop, it only got worse. I was called horrible things, and since my stepmother at the time traumatized me from a recent trip seeing my father this did not make things better. I began to fear people, any age. I took the verbal assaults and fighting threats like a beating. I was afraid to stand up for myself. I cannot recall much of these memories. They are deeply buried in my subconscious mind now due to how awful it was... Well, I assume so. The brain does this to protect sanity. After 6th grade was over I was done. I lost all contact with many many friends and switched to online schooling. I was fine for about a year until I turned 13, I began to have suicidal thoughts. I was also in a very toxic relationship with someone I thought was my best friend for life. Also due to the toxicity of the relationship, I developed early stages of Anorexia and bulimia, a being so terrified to lose this friend because I had no one else. All these memories including some extra awful ones over the years began to take a toll on my mental, spiritual, and physical health. I would sleep all day and night to avoid being awake to deal with anything. I was majorly lonley, and I even started to develop agoraphobia and major social anxiety. Almost every time I left the house for more than three hours I would have panic attacks. And of course, this still happens today. I tried so hard to suppress everything to keep my sanity. Nothing seemed to be working after a while, however. I just moved out of a town I hated living in. But now my depression is getting the best of me yet again. No matter how hard I try, every day is a mental battle. I am sick and tired of living in misery. Silently suffering and not saying anything about it. When I tried to speak with my family and the new friends I have now, they don't even understand what it's like. They say things like "Oh, well maybe you should not live in the past anymore. Or "Well maybe you should get over it" Stuff like that. Those words said to me hurts. I feel as if, if I left this place I won't have to suffer anymore. I perceive myself as a waste of space, I feel bad when people buy me food or take me out to do stuff. Because of agoraphobia, I HATE being outside around a bunch of strangers. I hate that I can't f-ing function like a NORMAL human being like all these other people that somehow can enjoy life. I'm on the ledge again. I need therapy so badly and yet I cannot afford it. I found this nice counseling center thats non-religious, but my mom seems to keep stalling on calling to make an appointment for me. Again, I feel bad about this. I'm too weak to so much as pick up the phone and answer like a normal person, or go out and do errands. I hate having to rely on others to help me because I am so weak in this plane of existence. This is my story. A story of suffering in silence. 