Depression Understood Forums

This is scary for me, I don't let on to anyone how bad off I've been, I keep it hidden. I don't know how to reach out for help. I've been battling depression for as long as I can remember, sometimes it's better, sometimes worse, it's always there at some level.
Before I was born my birth mother tried to abort me by taking rat poison, and when that didnt work she starved herself. She wore a total of 3 corsets at a time to hide the pregnancy. I somehow made it through all that and was fostered returned to tge agency, then finally adopted by a nice family.
I was a few years old when I started having tonic/clinic seizures. It happened a few times before anyone noticed, I can remember going into them and coming out of them, in terms of having no control over my body. I started worrying about them and when it might happen again, I kept quiet not wanting my parents to know. That's when things took a nosedive. I started worrying all the time, I felt like I was keeping a terrible secret. I felt the need to protect my mom thinking this would be too much for her. I was 6 or 7 so this is from a little kids perspective. The worry became overwhelming and I started to become sick to my stomach all the time. I started feeling weird about myself and thought somehow people knew my secret. Around that same time new neighbors moved in and one of the males started messing with me inappropriately. This added to what was already happening, I kept this secret all the way through high school. I did tell one person, who told a bunch of male classmates in 3rd grade and they teased me about it relentlessly. I never told anyone again, so it never stopped and soon I became a target for other boys and in a couple of cases men. My self esteem was non existent, by 13 I started planning my suicide. Now not only did I worry and feel sick all the time, I also developed OCD. Just one more thing to make me weird. I developed an eating disorder once high school started that I kept hidden from my mom, at least I think I did cause she seemed not to notice. I only ate once a day and that was dinner, and I had no choice. I had a habit of crying at night when I would go to bed because that was the only time I could let my sadness out without anybody knowing. I spent as much time as I could alone for fear of exposing who I truly was. I isolated myself from family and friends.
I became pregnant at 14 by a neighborhood boy, he was older so he could drive l, so he took me downtown for an abortion. I was to afraid to tell anyone what was going on and this happened again. I got pregnant 3 times between 14 and 17, I kept the 3rd pregnancy. I ran away when I found out and never went back. My parents didn't speak to me, they were really upset. I went on to have another baby right after the first. This is when the first major depression hit full force, add to it I was in an unhealthy relation ship with the kids father. I left only after he broke my nose and neck for messing up his pot of spaghetti oh's.
I got it together, had a great job, met and married my boys dad by the time I turned 21. My first son was born with a form of autism with epilepsy. My second son was born sick. My second major depression hit when my oldest son was 4 and my youngest son was a little baby. This one had the same pattern, only it was more devastating for my family because I effectively removed myself from their lives for about 3 months.
I started getting treatment for my neck around the end of that 3 month period, the doc put me on an anti depressant that was supposed to shut off nerve impulses from the back of my skull down to my neck , the hope being that i would get some sleep. What it ended up doing was actually ease my depression. I felt like I had a new lease on life, this went on for a few years.
Then the 3rd depression hit, then the 4th etc etc
And now I'm 48 and I'm not sure but I think it's happening again, which scares me because I'm not sure. I just know there are times I'm afraid to be alone too long, yet I also crave the isolation.
So yeah, that's all I got

It's nice to meet you. You are a survivor in my eyes. We have many things in common. I have OCD and I feel like such an outcast because of it. I'm sorry you have it. I know how debilitating it can be. I'm sending you hugs and you can always talk to me when you are feeling down.

Thank You! I have a good ear myself, hit me up when you're feeling down.

Hello, Thanks for your openness and strength to share your experiences. I know that you didn’t deserve for any of this to happen to you. This was not fair to you. I greatly admire your resilience and its apparent that you are an overcomer. Depression causes many different feelings and this is not you but the depression. I’m also glad you are seeing a doctor and are on an anti-depressant. It sometimes takes a while for a person’s body to get used to these. But, if you have any trouble talk to your doctor and he/she will come up with a solution and/or a better medicine for you. Do you currently feel suicidal? I know you developed the thoughts at a young age. I know that your life is worth the fight. I understand it has been tough, but remember that you are tough too. I know that you have endured so much throughout the years, and I am inspired how you have handled these situations. I commend you for being a lovely person, wonderful mother, daughter and partner to your significant other. I would like to recommend to you; The Samaritans it’s a 24-hour confidential hotline at (212) 673-3000. The Samaritans is there in the event of any crisis. They help through depression, suicidal thoughts or anything. They are here when you need someone to talk with. Additionally, they can be used in between your therapy sessions. We at this online community are here for you anything. Hugs!

I am sorry to hear what an awful tough road that you have been living thus far! I too have dealt with being a victim of rape, I was born and have lived my entire life with epilepsy and have gone through periods of depression and the different types of medication I have taken throughout all my years, I have had many serious side effects that I have had to overcome.
There is only one way you can overcome your depression, anxiety, and isolation and find peace and a sense of calm with epilepsy. I have tried just about everything you can think of to find comfort, love and peace. There is only one solution, I keep coming back to over and over, because it is the only place I find all of these. It is through knowing Jesus Christ. You have something very important to share and to give, love and compassion... Just as you love your children so God loves you so much that he gave up his one and only begotten Son. That whosoever believes in will have everlasting life. (John 3:16)
When I accepted Jesus Christ into my life, I felt this kind of a peace that came through me. I truly believed and have faith each and everyday that Jesus is there to see me through all my hard times and good times. If you want I can lead you in a prayer;
Dear God,
I admit, I am a sinner and I do not deserve you or your love, but Jesus I am asking for your forgiveness. I need you, I am asking you to come and be my God and Father. I want to thank you Jesus for loving me so much! Thank you Jesus for coming into my life! Let me live my life to be like you! In Jesus Name Amen!