College grad, high-functioning PTSD/Major Depressive, Still feel out of control

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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Outlier
Posts: 2
Joined: Sat Jun 24, 2017 12:24 pm

College grad, high-functioning PTSD/Major Depressive, Still feel out of control

Postby Outlier » Sat Jun 24, 2017 12:41 pm

Hi this is my first post here. I've recently been trying to reach out and get help. Part of that includes me sharing my story with other humans.

I turned 27 three days ago. I got my first degree a month ago, and moved to a new city to start my next degree. I graduated with honors and a 3.97 gpa. I plan to be a lawyer by 2022/2023. I'm financially secure and independent, and I may have secured a sales job at a very large musical equipment retail store in America.

Before going to college I played in bands at the semi-professional level. I've done a couple west coast tours and one South-West tour. I've played guitar and bass for over a decade and I've composed 5 studio records and a bunch of solo stuff. That's where my true passion lies, but I was never able to support myself to the point that I could really pursue music as a career and take it to the next level. For me, college was settling for something lesser than my true passion, but it was a very positive experience nonetheless. College taught me how to change my life and develop and internal locus of control (meaning I believe that I am the master of my life and destiny). I believe developing this inner locus of control is one of the first steps for people who have made the decision to do something about their depression. It's so easy for depressed individuals to fall into that trap of feeling helpless to the will of powerful others. That being said, I still struggle intensely. Maybe more than I ever have before.

I feel like a bad person. Logically, I know that I'm not a terrible person. I literally go out of my way to make sure I never hurt anyone. I don't want to have any adverse affect on anybody. I still feel awful. When I meet people I feel like I need to work to convince them that I'm a worthwhile human. I'm paranoid that everyone hates me, and it doesn't make sense to me. This is undoubtedly due to a neurotransmitter imbalance in my brain. I feel these things intensely, and I'm perfectly aware of how irrational it is, but I still can't make myself feel alright.

I should be having the time of my life right now. I'm independent, successful, and my life is on track for all intents and purposes, but I'm hindered by this illness. I avoid leaving my house because everyone pisses me off. Driving my car is the worst. People drive like flipping maniacs. It's gotten to the point that I'm afraid to go job hunting. I mean I manage to do it, but it is an extremely stressful experience on my psyche. I'm afraid of people. I'm so afraid of what they are capable of. I've seen a lot of terrible things done by terrible humans, and although I know logically that they don't hold power over my life, it makes no difference. I'm still scared. Like I don't have faith that random people around me are thinking logically and coherently. They are capable of anything at anytime. A million loose cannons roaming the streets.

Anyone have any advice?

sunnytortoise
Posts: 6
Joined: Mon Jun 26, 2017 3:19 pm

Re: College grad, high-functioning PTSD/Major Depressive, Still feel out of control

Postby sunnytortoise » Mon Jun 26, 2017 4:33 pm

Thinking about your situation on a practical level: does the area where live have good public transit? can you take the bus, or the train, or the subway to interview? Or is there someone that could drive you to interviews? I am also college graduate who I guess could be considered a high functioning depressive, you couple that with perfectionism, and things get really nasty. Is there someone whocan help you leave the house in increments, like to the yard then to the street corner then to the store etc.?

Outlier
Posts: 2
Joined: Sat Jun 24, 2017 12:24 pm

Re: College grad, high-functioning PTSD/Major Depressive, Still feel out of control

Postby Outlier » Tue Sep 19, 2017 8:17 pm

Sorry for the late reply. I actually am not doing great. I've been isolated since about a week before my OP. I haven't seen anyone I know or would consider a friend or "confidant" in approx. 13 weeks. I occasionally talk to a friend but it's not the same as being with people. I'm experiencing an incredible level of depression and panic/anxiety at any given time of the day. It is literally unceasing no matter how much I try to suppress it. College has become incredibly difficult. I'm usually incredibly motivated and I absorb material like crazy. Now I can hardly retain anything. It's like nothing I've ever felt before. I've read hundreds of pages and spent several hours deliberately focusing and studying and I'm just not working at my full capacity. It's like my brain is bogged down with all this existential stress and sadness and uncertainty and loneliness, and there's not any room for the academic information I'm trying jam inside it. I've spoken to a few of my professors and they've been quite sympathetic and supportive, although I wouldn't expect them to give me leeway on grades or anything. I just wanted them to know that I'm really trying even if the grades don't reflect that.

I wouldn't say that I'm agoraphobic. I just really really hate being around most people. I'm more like a "hermit" I guess, although I really dislike that word and wish it didn't apply (I want to like people. I want to be social). I hate institutions and bureaucracy on a philosophical level and that is a major contributing factor to my personal struggle. I believe part of my "mental illness" comes from a philosophical difference I have with American society and the hierarchies in place here. I often feel like an outcast because I can't force myself to accept the institutionalized ideals that are pushed in our society and "put on a happy face."
I manage to leave my house every day because I simply have to. I'm going to university full time in a major that I'm uninterested in, and I'm falling behind to be completely honest. I'm considering completely withdrawing and trying to focus on my mental health because there's no way in my current state that I could move on to a career after college. I already quit my job... It was too corporate and I felt like I was going insane trying to fulfill the job requirements while meeting my student goals.

I don't know what to do. I'm depressed, but not suicidal; I'm anxious, but not insane.


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