Depression Understood Forums

I've never done this before...I've never really reached out for help or advice, I often feel weak if I do...I've never really done this but nothing else has worked for me so this is kinda my last ditch effort. I feel alone and I feel different. I have an incredible family, incredible friends, and a good life...but I'm not happy. I try to force myself to be happy and I feel so ungrateful for feeling basically nothing for everything that god has given me. I feel very alone. I'm in my head nonstop and I can't get out sometimes as much as I want to. I constantly overthink everything. My family is amazing and will support me with whatever my dreams are, but I feel like the black sheep. I feel like a failure in there eyes, I feel like they look at me like "where did I go wrong" or "don't worry, she'll get there someday" and I know they don't really think that...or maybe they do..but that's how I feel towards them so I distance myself. I over work and I make it a point to basically never talk to them except the occasional dinner. I cut everybody out of my life because I feel like I'm such a disappointment. My family is beautiful. My sisters are absolutely gorgeous and my brothers are ridiculously handsome and it's not just looks with either one of them. They all have amazing hearts and will do anything for anybody no questions asked....but then you look at me. I don't look like them, I'm not as graceful as them, I'm a bitch most of the time (excuse my language) and when I'm angry I don't really know how to handle my temper. I don't feel connected with them. And my friends, I picked them so they're great. They build me up all the time and they're always there for me...but most of the time, and I don't understand why I feel this way, I feel like it's just pity. Like we're just gonna hang out with her because we feel bad or because we have nothing to do. I have never connected with anybody in life and I'm trying so hard to do the right thing and to be a good person but nothing I am doing it working. Whenever I'm alone I feel like I'm the only person in the world going through the problems that I'm going through. I I feel like nobody is ever going to love me, and then I feel like I don't deserve love because I'm not that good of a person. If I'm being completely honest I've been suicidal for a very long time, as crazy as this seems the only thing that's keeping me from doing something to myself is my dog. I know it seems silly but I look at her and I have such a pure love for her and when she looks at me she knows that I'm mom and that I wouldn't let anything hurt her and I see the love she has for me. She's been the one who lays next to me while I'm crying to sleep and she's the one who sits outside with me when I'm listening to my sad music drinking enough wine to make me fall asleep so I don't have to think about what a f*** up I am. I think I'm just rambling at this point and I don't even know if anybody will understand at this point....I'm sorry for who ever read this and feels like I just wasted there time. Be well. Thanks for reading.

Asking for help and reaching out is Definitely not a sign of weakness. It takes strength and courage to admit you need help. And admitting you need help is the first step in your new life. I am happy to read that you have a loving, supportive family and for that you can be thankful. I have found that I can't trust my emotions and my feelings. Feelings are not facts and they are not truth. They tell us lies. I also heard the other day that when you speak negative things to yourself, it just makes you think more negative thoughts. Those thoughts create pathways in the brain which your future thoughts follow. It takes work, but I had to learn to create new pathways by learning new things, doing Sudoku puzzles, spending time with positive people, learning to laugh, taking care of my body. Good nutrition, believe it or not, is a big factor in overall health. It really is true that we are what we eat. Praying this is just the first step to wholeness, happiness and peace.

I'm going through some of the same things as you. Unfortunately I wouldn't be able to give advise. I just want to let you know I understand and I am sorry you are going through this.

I agree, asking for help is not a weakness it's strength, it's courage and it's smart. You'd be amazed how many people even in your own life that is wearing a smile while suffering in silence. I'm no psychologist, but it definitely sounds like you are suffering from severe low-self esteem, that could be attached to Perfectionism. I'm not sure of you have ever heard of that but here's a link to a website that talks a little bit about it. http://bit.ly/2sj4FDr - Out of the Fog. The terrible thing about low-self esteem is that negative self-talk makes things much worse and can even turn into an overwhelming and over powering monster in our mind. The only way out of that is positive affirmation. You will have to engage in battle on the battle field of your mind by countering all your negative self-talk with positive affirmations. This website has a great self-esteem exercise to help change negative self-talk http://bit.ly/2nWt38D Keep sharing with us here. I would love to hear how things are going.

Hi Warr;or, how are you doing?

Thank you. That is a really good idea. And yeah it sure does make sense.




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