Depression Understood Forums

Hi,
I'm a bit new to opening up to people so sorry if it's a bit hard to read.

I guess my story begins about 6 years ago when I first realised I was in love with my best friend. I imagine these forums are full of this sort of thing. Anyway we're both male which I never really considered a problem, I've got no problem with homosexuals. I'm very much live and let live but I didn't and still don't consider myself to be gay or even properly bisexual. I'm still attracted to women but with him it's different.

I never had the courage to tell him (I guess for ease I'll refer to him as J) as I knew he didn't feel the same way about me and what good could it possibly do our friendship if I told him? About 2 years ago I realised that nothing good could ever come from this and that I needed to find a way to stop before he ended up getting a girlfriend and breaking my heart so I signed up to an online dating site. But I've not been able to make anything work there so went back to just loving him and being miserable, I pushed aside the knowledge that one day it would all blow up in my face.

I'd noticed for a while that J had been in contact with a girl but knew nothing about her and couldn't bring myself to ask him about it. A group of my friends and I go to the pub most weeks for a drink and a meal just to catch up with each other and five months ago yesterday (15th November 2017) we were there. He was texting her and I finally asked him about her to which he replied that he's been going out with this girl for some time. I guess I hadn't realised how far along things were or even if he really was going out with her.

I managed to keep myself bottled up until the walk home (J and me walk home past his house together then I carry on) as soon as I got past his house and he left I just couldn't move. It was like being physically punched in the stomach. I couldn't think and I have no idea how I managed to get home. I should say that I do have a loving family who'd do anything for me but I can't tell them about this, I'm not really sure why I haven't confided in them. Anyway I kept quiet to my family and pretended nothing was wrong.

There have been lots of events in the intervening 5 months and I've been pretty distraught the entire time so I'll try not to bore you with too many details. Yesterday (15th April 2017) 5 months exactly from the day I found out and really became depressed I finally managed to tell him everything.

I'd been planning it for ages, we went out for a walk had a pub lunch (no alcohol) then went to this quiet little park I know on the way home. I'd written a 6 page letter explaining everything almost from day one when I realised I loved him up to the present. I also said that I just needed him to still be my friend and that I never really expected and certainly don't want to have a relationship more than friends with him now. I mean I do want to be more than friends with him but that obviously can't and shouldn't happen, he's been so happy lately. I didn't want to tell him because it would put a black mark on everything that's been making him happy knowing that his happiness is what's been making me depressed.

He said he still wants to be friends and he'll do anything to help me get out of this but I don't really think there's anything he can do? I'm just so depressed about the whole situation and think that maybe telling him was completely the wrong thing to do as it may have jeopardised our friendship. I guess I just wondered what a everyone thought about all of this and if anyone could give me any advice?

Hi there, welcome to the forums.

I don't think you were wrong to tell him how you felt in the end. You kept this in yourself for too long and did this for him so it just shows what kind of person you are. As you said you didn't want to ruin his happiness.

I do think that maybe from when you first staffing having feelings for him and over time it became a constant thing to finally admit how you felt I do think you should of told him sooner. The reason. Why I say that is because it's not so you can get in there before he would of been taken but to just let this out in the open and not have to worry no more. Then atleast you won't have to feel this burden on your shoulders anymore.

I'm sorry it didn't work out in the end. You did the right thing in the end by telling. This shouldn't destroy your friendship. He knows how you feel and just hope if he's a good person he will move on from this with you and go back to being friends. What has it been like since?

Please don't bottle this up still. If you can't talk to your friends or family please talk to someone like a therapist or relationship counseller. They can give you better advice on how to deal with this and give you the direction you need to get through it.

As you said you didn't think you would have these feelings for him so don't blame yourself.

I hope it works out for you.

Thanks for the reply,

I haven't spoken to him since I told him but for me it's as though I've just hit a reset button and everything is as raw as when it first started. Not sure if I'd really made much progress before now but I'd sort of gotten used to the situation a bit, now it's like it's started all over again. Hopefully it's a "has to get worse before it'll get better" sort of thing. I told him at the time that I'd been avoiding him and his girlfriend for 5 months and I don't think it helped. It's like I need to force myself to see them together.

It's been worse as if I had any other problem I would have gone to him for help but I didn't want to burden him with this. It was only as a last resort that I told him about it and sort of begged for help. I hated the idea of lifting the burden off of my shoulders and dumping it straight onto his but I hope he's not dwelling on it all.

Anyway thank you for the advice, I've thought about seeking professional help but I'm not sure if I could ever go through with it.