Depression Understood Forums

There has always been an overwhelming pressure for me to succeed for the betterment of others. I couldn't hold on to my job, I just left without explanation, the supervisor was a backbiter, caught several times turning staff against one another including me. Now I'm home. I left my husband he was anal. I paid all the bills, he helped me get in debt before we were even married with promises to help me get rid of the debt. 3 years later...im worse off than i was before. He complained about everything, a control freak, OCD about cleaning, robotic sexually. I believe he was just a leech. He lived with his parents and married me, he turns every situation around on me to say it is my fault. He married me and I have 5 kids, before I met him. I was always told no one will want you with that many kids. He was my 3rd husband. My first husband I married after 3 weeks of meeting him, he was into church, the change I wanted, but didnt think about what came along with it. He paid 0 bills as well. I was living comfortable with 2 kids. He only wanted his credit score to go up and me to fill his pockets, his deal was perception. He only cared how happy we looked on the outside. Second husband, I married as a partnership. He needed support financially and I needed emotional support a good person for my growing family of 5 by this time. I didn't realize he was a cheating man from a criminal family including himself who robbed people. Third husband, was kind , loyal, handsome, with no children, never married, only thing was he didn't have a job which he eventually got one. He was my emotional abuser, I spend most of my time helping him and being there for him there is no room for myself. I spoke to my kids and although they care for him they are truly relieved he is no longer living with us. They said they felt like they could never make a mistake. God forbid if I got sick or couldn't be with them, I was scared to leave them alone with him. He was too much all the time. I couldn't breathe. He would make me feel needed but unattractive at the same time. He would be jealous of my whereabouts knowing exactly where I was. I'm still afraid to stay in the home where I am , because no matter how many times I say it's over, he always comes back begging saying he will change. His change only lasts a week. In between his outbursts he yells out how he really feels and that's how I know I am doing the right thing. My mother and sister only call when they want a bill paid or money. I call my mom sometimes and she really doesn't have time to talk. I have dug myself in many financial holes so many times for the ones I love but when I need them for anything they have nothing to offer and nothing to say. I am socially awkward around people. I am panicked most of the time. My kids have to deal with fits of rage and then immediate remorse. I'm not physically abusive, but I am a emotional bully towards my sons. I need help. I have no where to go. What should I do? I'm suffocating from the lack of love that I desperately seek

Sorry to hear what you been through. I hope we can be some support to you on here.

Please keep in touch

What ever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? Ok. You will find lots of people on here with sad situations like yours. Some even worse. But if you focus on the bad stuff only, it will pull you into a black hole, letting them win.

If I were you, I'd write down all the characteristics, warning signs, of the bad qualities you didn't like to live with. I'd also write down all the attributes of a person you'd like to live with, and what someone would be like in different situations, how their actions would be different than the people you live with.

I'd put these somewhere so that you can reread them each day. You will then pick up warning signs earlier of partners you want to avoid. Remember also to look at your characteristics and find out what is it in yourself that makes you blind to these types of people at first. Do you feel vulnerable in some way in which they have a strength, say like abandonment issues?
Hope this helps.

I am so sorry to hear all you’ve gone through. You are worthy of the love that you so desire and be assured that you don’t have to let the things that have happened to you or the mistakes that you have made, define who you are. Something that you might want to consider is counselling for yourself first and then for you and your children to help with healing the emotional hurt. This I think will also be beneficial in helping you to process some of the things that have happened in your marriage and family relationships. Your children need you and your love for them is very important.