Depression Understood Forums

I am a 20 year old turning 21 very soon, my childhood was not the best.
My dad was never a nice person to my beautiful mum and i and my older brother witnessed that he never physically harmed her that i know of but the emotional abuse was bad. He is also not a good dad though there are occasions where he has acted good to us but its just not enough. Over the years he would put so much preasure on us
Constantly looking over our shoulder to make sure we did our house hold chores to perfection, because of this i feel like this is when my aniexty began. The worry and being so afraid of failing to do something perfect made me so scared to even try if that makes sense?
When i was 13 my older brother became and Ice addict and to this day still is just doesn't use as much. I have seen him go completly crazy throwing things at walls yelling, screaming, punching walls being very intimidating to his girl friends (usually they would argue first and then hell would break loose) standing over my mum over me. Once he was so posessed by this drug he was pacing in the lounge room with a knife in his hand, and the only way he calmed down is because of my begging him to stop. So now every time someone slightly raises there voice i prepare for some sort of violence. he now has a girlfriend who isnt into drugs and has made him a slightly better person they have there own flat and if im honest with myself i don't ever want to visit him well not as much even though he is not as bad as he use to be i just can't do it the memories are so bad seeing him im just always on edge. I love him but its so hard for me and i don't think he has ever realised how much it has effected me.
Last year my mum finally after so many years walked out on my dad and it was the best decision of her life and mine, sje finally happy.
as for myself i have friends good friends and family who love me (mums fam) i have finally got a job and things are ok.

Except this weekend i had a great weekend,yet i went to my room sat down and cried my eyes out. All i could think about is will i ever be good enough? Smart enough? Will i ever get myself together? Will i survive my aniexty? My fear of failing?The feeling of being alone even though i have people who care for me, the feeling of no one loving me. All of these thoughts came to me in a rush as soon as i got to my room after having a good weekend.

I want to be better i wish i could be okay and not feel like this.

I'm sorry this is so scattered i just didn't know how to start it so just put it all out there.

Hi B1258, thank you for your story.

It sounds like you went through a really difficult time. It must of been really difficult to still live with these feelings to this day. I don't know how you got through it by yourself.

I see these memories still haunt you. I feel like for you they haven't made your life easier or even got you to try and put it behind you. Have you thought of therapy? I'm only saying this because sometimes when we are stuck in the past and feel we have no where to turn it can feel a lonely place. Therapy might not get rid of all your problems but can help you deal with them.

I don't know if seeing a doctor even can help you seek therapy or get some support? How you feeling in terms of yourself? Are you more depressed then usual? You taking medication?

If you feel you need support I think therapy might be the answer for you.

I'm sorry to hear that you can't talk to your brother right now but hopefully in the future you can. It takes time but it's important you look after yorddkf first.

I hope that helps and good luck.

Yes it is very difficult, but i am trying my best. I have good and bad days
A therapist might help but where i live even with a refferal from the doctor sessions cost $120 and hour and as i have jusy started a job i do not have the money at the moment byt will look into it. Im also iffy about a therapist because i am not sure if i would feel comfortable being face to face telling my story or talking in general.
I am not on medication as im also indecisive about that as well. But i am trying to just look after myself first, as i agree with you it would be best.
Thank you i may need all the luck i can get to be honest.

Although children look up to parents for their needs; not all parents know what it truly means to be a parent or fail to grow up themselves before they become a parent, or maybe too selfish to do so. Regardless of the circumstances, you seem to be a very caring and loving person which tells me you’re going to make it through this. It’s not any fault of your own that you should be made to feel as you do. It’s not your fault. Yet, now as an adult, you can bring healing by forgiving your Dad, so you can leave these unfortunate circumstances behind and begin your life. Forgiving will allow you to move forward. And when you have a family of your own, you’ll be a better and wiser dad to your children.
Forgiveness isn’t easy. But if you decide to personally tell him you forgive him, it may give him the chance to say he’s sorry. My hope is that both of you can find forgiveness and start to live life as we were meant to live – simply, focused, & free!

Yes I think over time you can forgive but if your one to forget then you will find that your relationship can work.

You do sound like the sort of person also who is caring and loving. That's a good quality to have. Can you see that's what your family couldn't see?

I know money is tight right now but as you said you are thinking about it and got a plan. I really do hope you go with the counselling.

Are you seeing a doctor? Is there any support they can give you. Also with the medication could you speak to your doctor again about that? Any concerns you have can be dealt with by your doctor.

Glad to hear your job is supporting you.

Please continue to reach out to us x