What am I doing
Posted: Mon Apr 03, 2017 12:21 am
Here I am, another random stranger on the internet seeking some sort of understanding for my suffering. Suffering may be a little strong...but I've been there.
Right now I lay on my broken bed with my dog sleeping near me. My roommate and his friend are in the other room having some sort of a good time. I'm sick and tired but I can't sleep yet. My mind is full of blank, white space. Nothing has brought on this depressive episode but I think it doesn't need a reason anymore.
I use to think it did when I lived with my parents. When my mom passed away 10 years ago I had to move in with my dad who lived so far away I had no hope of visiting friends or family without a financial miracle. My mom was good..she would yell and hurt people but most I don't remember. If I try I get a headache because somehow my Disassociative Identity Disorder can control my pain. Hiding my past, the painful parts, from myself. Manfesting the anger and memories into something else that could control my body like it's another person living in me.
Anyway, moving in was a mistake. I never wanted to. I was forced by the court at age 10 to move into this mans house whose criminal records show he is dangerous and not to be trusted. Yet, he was clean of anything in the past 2 years so let's give a child to him and his new wife. This mistake caused years of psychological, emotional, and sometimes even physical abuse. I've been scratched, gripped until I bled, my hair pulled, things thrown at me, been called crazy, an idiot more than I can count or fathom, told I should have died or been aborted, retarded, that I was the spawn of the devil, I would never be truly loved by anyone, I had no real friends, forced to drink alcohol, starved, screamed at for not wearing something to show off my body, touched, grouped, and so many other things...just by my dad and stepmom. I believed it and sometimes I still do. And even now that I know it was all wrong...I still want to prove to them I'm good. I got good grades except for my senior year when I tried to kill myself at least 4 times depending on what counts. It's messed me up...and they don't even know. I was in the hospital once during that year towards the end. I tried to kill myself twice in a span of two weeks, both planned out but both failing because the scarf broke or fell off. I waited days before just admitting myself through my school.
Up until this point, i was never taken seriously by people. I told police what was happening but they couldn't remove me because it wasn't "bad enough". I told CPS and got the same result. I told my school psychologist and she said to just walk out of the house when they fight. Every night. 365 days. Several police calls and one court hearing my parents banned me from going to so I wouldn't be taken away. So they could lock me in the house. So many nights spent keeping one ear blind and one open in case it got violent...more than usual. Or having to call the ambulance for my suicidal stepmom. My main physical abuser and minor sexual harasser. Having to remain calm and acting like I've been doing fine. Which is why no one probably believed me..
I fled several nights just to get away. Sneaking out and just enjoying some fresh air and calm atmosphere. My bf at the time..was manipulating me (being so inexperienced and younger than him) into sexual..acts I never consented to. But they never knew. They read my journal several times, going into my room and getting upset that I was upset. Yelling and leaving me alone to feed myself and get myself to school for days. But yelling at me if I was in the kitchen making food or in their way.
It was all messed up and now I suffer because of it. My depression has lasted for 10 years, my anxiety has worsened (been having panic attacks since I was 6 but now they're weekly and no one believes me), and I've moved 4 times in a year since moving out of my parents house.
They've tried to guilt me. My stepmom telling me that I was the problem and they weren't abusive. Calling and texting me, sending my friends after me, I almost got a restraining order. I should have gotten a restraining order. But I'm still scared of them. I'm scared to see them. I'm scared to fail at getting one because all this time no one has taken this as it is. And I blame myself for keeping it so low key because I think that's why it started.
No one believed my parents were starving me when I broke down during track practice crying because I hadn't eaten in 3 days. No one did...no one was their with me. I had no physical markings most of the time, some spare ones here and there, but mentally I was messed up.
There are so many other things I could talk about if only I could remember them. My "DID" has all of the worst memories locked away. Even more now. Taking ones I could remember a couple years ago. I can see them. But if I try to remember on my own now I get headaches.
I don't know why I'm typing this... I've made so much progress since moving out. Gotten some therapy. A dog. An apartment. A job. I've even managed to not drive away my high school bf (the good one) and we celebrated our 4 year anniversary yesterday.
But I'm still so...upset and depressed...it's not as bad now but it's kept me home from work a couple times. It feels like I'll be stuck like this forever..depressed and anxiety ridden. Seeing that I've spent nearly half my life like this...I can't see myself being happy or proud of anything I've done.
I can't even go to someone right now and talk about it all. There's too much story. Too much that I would have to go over.
Yet here I am...
I know I've accomplished so much in so little time. But I can't seem to stay happy or calm for more than an hour. I just want to be happy.
I want to actually feel happy on my own...
Right now I lay on my broken bed with my dog sleeping near me. My roommate and his friend are in the other room having some sort of a good time. I'm sick and tired but I can't sleep yet. My mind is full of blank, white space. Nothing has brought on this depressive episode but I think it doesn't need a reason anymore.
I use to think it did when I lived with my parents. When my mom passed away 10 years ago I had to move in with my dad who lived so far away I had no hope of visiting friends or family without a financial miracle. My mom was good..she would yell and hurt people but most I don't remember. If I try I get a headache because somehow my Disassociative Identity Disorder can control my pain. Hiding my past, the painful parts, from myself. Manfesting the anger and memories into something else that could control my body like it's another person living in me.
Anyway, moving in was a mistake. I never wanted to. I was forced by the court at age 10 to move into this mans house whose criminal records show he is dangerous and not to be trusted. Yet, he was clean of anything in the past 2 years so let's give a child to him and his new wife. This mistake caused years of psychological, emotional, and sometimes even physical abuse. I've been scratched, gripped until I bled, my hair pulled, things thrown at me, been called crazy, an idiot more than I can count or fathom, told I should have died or been aborted, retarded, that I was the spawn of the devil, I would never be truly loved by anyone, I had no real friends, forced to drink alcohol, starved, screamed at for not wearing something to show off my body, touched, grouped, and so many other things...just by my dad and stepmom. I believed it and sometimes I still do. And even now that I know it was all wrong...I still want to prove to them I'm good. I got good grades except for my senior year when I tried to kill myself at least 4 times depending on what counts. It's messed me up...and they don't even know. I was in the hospital once during that year towards the end. I tried to kill myself twice in a span of two weeks, both planned out but both failing because the scarf broke or fell off. I waited days before just admitting myself through my school.
Up until this point, i was never taken seriously by people. I told police what was happening but they couldn't remove me because it wasn't "bad enough". I told CPS and got the same result. I told my school psychologist and she said to just walk out of the house when they fight. Every night. 365 days. Several police calls and one court hearing my parents banned me from going to so I wouldn't be taken away. So they could lock me in the house. So many nights spent keeping one ear blind and one open in case it got violent...more than usual. Or having to call the ambulance for my suicidal stepmom. My main physical abuser and minor sexual harasser. Having to remain calm and acting like I've been doing fine. Which is why no one probably believed me..
I fled several nights just to get away. Sneaking out and just enjoying some fresh air and calm atmosphere. My bf at the time..was manipulating me (being so inexperienced and younger than him) into sexual..acts I never consented to. But they never knew. They read my journal several times, going into my room and getting upset that I was upset. Yelling and leaving me alone to feed myself and get myself to school for days. But yelling at me if I was in the kitchen making food or in their way.
It was all messed up and now I suffer because of it. My depression has lasted for 10 years, my anxiety has worsened (been having panic attacks since I was 6 but now they're weekly and no one believes me), and I've moved 4 times in a year since moving out of my parents house.
They've tried to guilt me. My stepmom telling me that I was the problem and they weren't abusive. Calling and texting me, sending my friends after me, I almost got a restraining order. I should have gotten a restraining order. But I'm still scared of them. I'm scared to see them. I'm scared to fail at getting one because all this time no one has taken this as it is. And I blame myself for keeping it so low key because I think that's why it started.
No one believed my parents were starving me when I broke down during track practice crying because I hadn't eaten in 3 days. No one did...no one was their with me. I had no physical markings most of the time, some spare ones here and there, but mentally I was messed up.
There are so many other things I could talk about if only I could remember them. My "DID" has all of the worst memories locked away. Even more now. Taking ones I could remember a couple years ago. I can see them. But if I try to remember on my own now I get headaches.
I don't know why I'm typing this... I've made so much progress since moving out. Gotten some therapy. A dog. An apartment. A job. I've even managed to not drive away my high school bf (the good one) and we celebrated our 4 year anniversary yesterday.
But I'm still so...upset and depressed...it's not as bad now but it's kept me home from work a couple times. It feels like I'll be stuck like this forever..depressed and anxiety ridden. Seeing that I've spent nearly half my life like this...I can't see myself being happy or proud of anything I've done.
I can't even go to someone right now and talk about it all. There's too much story. Too much that I would have to go over.
Yet here I am...
I know I've accomplished so much in so little time. But I can't seem to stay happy or calm for more than an hour. I just want to be happy.
I want to actually feel happy on my own...