Depression Understood Forums

I can barely start typing - it just doesn't feel right. I have never ever even looked at any kind of 'depression forum' until tonight, although I know perfectly well inside that I have been depressed for many years. How being here will help I have no idea - the comfort of strangers I suppose (hope). Anyway here goes...

I'm a 50 year old married man living with my wife in France. No kids but several lovely animals to look after. On the face of it I have a great life. That's part of the problem maybe. We live in a nice old farm house in rural France, both retired early from busy jobs in the London area. Sounds idyllic in many ways. But I have a number of problems, in no particular order:

1) A somewhat sad and disjointed childhood.
2) Chronic back pain for nearly 30 years.
3) A growing sense of self-loathing and lack of self-worth.
4) Boredom from a very quiet life of routine with little variation, and now very little money to spend on leisure/treats, compared to my previous work life which was well paid and busy.
5) A borderline obsession with world news, current affairs and environmental issues, leading to depression at the state of the world.
6) No real genuine close friends I can talk to properly, just acquaintances. No one to share with.
7) Physical symptoms include general aches and pains all over, weakness, & finding it difficult to get out of bed in the morning and face the world.
8) Finding it hard to summon up any joy about anything; overwhelming pessimism and too much cynicism (whereas I used to be far more positive). In public I disguise my depression by joking and making puns. I'm fairly sure that people don't know how I feel inside and I work hard to keep it that way.
9) Feeling pointless, without purpose and like all my best days are behind me - nothing to look forward to.
10) Thinking back to the dreams and aspirations I had as a young man, I feel like I achieved maybe 10% of them and I am highly unlikely to achieve any of what's left.
11) Life is beginning to feel like a slow gradual preparation for death.
12) Unable to share all of this thinking with my wife, because I fear it would cause us to split and she needs me to support her after a tragic incident in her own family some years back - the last thing she needs is for me to break down. I can't afford to show my depression or wallow in self-pity. I must be strong somehow or other. So I hide my depression and wear a mask.
13) I have no history of suicidal thoughts but just recently I have begun to think 'what's the point', which scares me a bit.

Look, I even ended my list on point 13 !

So sorry, that's a lot of stuff and I feel a mixture of guilt and self-importance writing some of it down. I have never sought psychiatric help before (perhaps I should have) so it's hard to open up like this at all and it's not something I do lightly. It's been very hard to type this out and I will probably regret it tomorrow. Hating myself for it already. I feel bad bringing all this up on a forum where others must have problems so much worse than mine.

If anyone has any words that might help me a bit I'd really appreciate that - thank you for your time. I have very low expectations but maybe just some contact with the outside world talking about my taboo subject might help...

Thanks for reading.

hey check out my story, it might help you

Thanks Ree. I just read your story. I'm genuinely pleased for you that you have found a way out of your depression. I suppose in your case the end justifies the means and I am truly glad that you have tackled depression regardless of the method you chose. It would not work for me. As a devout atheist I have little time for superstition, myths and religion - so they will not be offering me a route out of my own problems. As Nietzsche noted, when man casts off god he is faced with two startling realities - a profound liberation but also the crushing responsibility of agency. Humanists experience the wonder of the universe through the explorations of science but can not rely on outside props when they falter. Which is where I am right now. Responsible, empowered, but crushingly alone with just myself to call upon.

Which is why I am reaching out tentatively to others in the same position...

Hi Jake1 welcome to the forums. Have you been in the chatroom before? I'm sure I've seen you lol.

I'm sorry to hear what your going through. Must not be easy opening up to strangers but you have done so well done.

Everyone's situation is different in life. No ones life is perfect. We're gonna have times when we will be ok then other times but but with keeping an open mind and not putting too much pressure on yourself to be perfect or to live up to people's expectations can get us there. It's about how we can deal with these knock backs in life.

You seem to have had alot going on for you. Sounds like like some other people on here including me who has more then one problem going on. I know it's got alot to do with the depression but others it might be something. What do you think trigger is here? Is it the depression?

You said you got help in the past. Are you still continuing with this? Is it helpful? Once you talk to someone about your feelings and what your going through they can start giving you the right help. I know sometimes it's not as easy as that and you tried everything but I wouldn't give up cuz even if that help doesn't work the next help could. You have to keep trying and do this for yourself. It's easy to give up. I have before. It doesn't improve anything.

You may just need someone like a counsellor or a doctor to give you advice or support so you can somewhere to go and belong to. Get the help you need. It is about making the first step but you gave don't that here. Is there family or friends who can support you or go with you?

You don't have to do this on your own. Remember we're here. It's always good to get out and about even if it's just for a walk or something.

I don't know where you live but try organisations in your area what can help with the support you need. Just ask.

I hope that helps

okay that's cool.. But just to inform you that if you ever come to a point in your life where you've had enough, there's always a way out., even if you don't believe in it bless you xx

Hello, Jake, and greetings to a fellow depressed atheist. This is also my first time on one of these forums. I always thought they were pointless, but I'm at the point now where I'll try anything. Anyway, back to you. I'm not at all surprised that you are depressed. People often get depressed when they retire, and not only did you retire, but you removed yourself from all that was familiar. Rural France does sound lovely, but it has also isolated you, and that can be a dangerous thing. That may be partly why you've been following the the news so obsessively - BTW please stop that right away! It is a spiraling vortex of despair from which I have just extricated myself. Depression can manifest itself physically as well, explaining your aches and pains. My humble recommendation is that you find yourself a therapist right away. I think it would also be a great help to you if you got out for a walk every day. Perhaps there is even a group that you and your wife can join (if she is able?) thus getting some social interaction at the same time. I'm sorry, I was going to say more but I have to go now. Perhaps we can chat more later if you think that would be helpful. Take care.

Thank you everybody for your replies. I really appreciate that you've taken the time to write something. Helloraspberries - thank you for your message. Ree - very nice words in your last message.

Nikki - great advice, thanks. I am working on it but it'll take time. My situation kind of sounds simple but is actually quite complicated, with several elements from my own past and a tragic incident in my wife's family 10 years back all combining with what I have always thought of as my own propensity to depression or at least pessimism. The good thing is that I do recognize it in myself, but that 's not quite the same as being able to deal with it. I've also had nearly 30 years of lower back pain, two operations and a truck load of painkillers - and the daily background pain makes it hard to be positive about anything.

Re. the atheism - thanks for your words. It could be argued that atheists have a harder time with life because they do not have religion/gods/prophets to lean on in their hour of need. I have a scientific policy career background so I tend to doubt things, test things and demand proof for things before I trust them - so faith has no place for me. I'm sure it would help a great deal if it did, but this leopard isn't going to be changing his spots in a hurry. Maybe I'll get some kind of divine visitation tonight to lead me out of the darkness - in which case I'll let you know...

Meantime, I have started to address a few things and I'm not quite as 'what's the point?' as I felt a couple of weeks ago. Turning the corner into Spring always helps me a bit - I might have a bit of that Seasonal Affective Disorder syndrome.

Anyway, thanks again for your support.

I offer these words of encouragement to you. Look forward to each new days dawn. Your life has purpose and your wife needs you. Blessings to you both.

Scorpio68 wrote:I offer these words of encouragement to you. Look forward to each new days dawn. Your life has purpose and your wife needs you. Blessings to you both.

Thanks Scorpio - very kind words. I have sought some support in the arms of Madame Fluoxetine. I am 20 days in and noticing some difference. I do everything slower and with less anxiety. I don't have the sense that everything matters any more. I know that it's drug-induced but frankly I don't care - I needed to find a way out of the constant worrying and self-criticism. We shall see it it really offers a long-term solution....