Depression Understood Forums

I did not have a gruesome childhood nor am I currently living under a bridge. Hell, my life is good beyond every measurable reason. I may have some misplaced guilt, an intense hatred for the general population and a few grudges that I don't think I will ever reconcile. In fact, I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know what depression or anxiety is suppose to feel like and I never cared for writing down symptoms and scouring the web for the compatible diagnosis. Writing is suppose to make people feel better. I guess that's why I am here...

I feel broken. Like I am missing something that is crucial to my functionality as a human. And without this spark, I feel like I am inherently flawed. Like my existence is fundamentally wrong. An abomination. Something that shouldn't be here. Whenever I enter public places (which I avoid doing as MUCH as I possibly can) I feel like I am intruding. This sudden feeling of being unwelcome just overwhelms me and I just crawl deeper into my skin trying to ignore the eyes that look down at me with disgust. I feel like a piece of gum stuck underneath someone's boot. Just being repeatedly pushed to the ground with all the impurities sticking to my soul until I also become corrupt and filthy. This explains my misanthropy, but not why I feel incomplete.

I feel like I need that jolt to wake me up so I can start living again. Maybe the spark lies in friendship, romance, a career or spirituality. But what if I obtain all those things and still find myself hopelessly stagnant? I am under no delusions of grandeur and know I'll only be able to achieve spirituality, since it is a personal journey - one that I can pursue ALONE. Those other things? Are waaay out of my reach because I am your typical wet blanket - sarcastic, cynical and a sense of humour drier than the desert. I am fear's puppet and I cannot cut those strings because they are the only things keeping me from killing myself. I push everyone away because I don't want to pull them down with me when I eventually self-destruct. I feel torn between my primitive needs of acceptance, love, happiness and my transcendence where I realise that nothing really matters. Life is inherently meaningless.

I guess I just don't know. I have no identity. No rock to build my hopes and dreams for the future on. I don't know what I like or dislike, what I want to become or what I want my future to look like. So I take on the burden of others' aspirations and have their expectations crush my already shattered outlook. I feel hopeless. Desolated. Dejected.

I am aware of variables that can happen in the future that can change my perception of everything around me for the good... But without that spark, I am just another broken vessel with infinite stores of wasted potential.

Hi there! I can relate to so much of what you have to say in this post. I too feel like I have had a good life in many ways and much to be grateful for, yet I still feel so broken and incomplete. It is exhausting to attempt to live the life I want to when I feel so dead inside most of the time. I also tend to push people away because I am truly afraid of bringing them down with me. I honestly don't know if I will ever get into a lasting relationship because I don't want someone else to have to deal with my pain and lack of enthusiasm for life. I agree with you that there are many things I could do in my life that would probably make it better....but I feel like no matter what I do I will never feel that spark for life that I am craving. I don't think that I am capable of being truly excited about life and the thought of living an entire life of barely existing...not really living is sometimes extremely overwhelming. I think that it is great that you have reached out...to me having other people who can relate to what I am going through is helpful. I wish you the best of luck and hope you know that you are not alone...many people have been there and many more will be. Sending some positive vibes your way.

Your positive vibes are much appreciated. Thank you. Having people who can relate is always bittersweet. You don't want anyone to feel like you because it's horrible, but if they know what it feels like, they can understand you. And that is what I think we all want. To be understood. Thanks again

viewtopic.php?f=18&t=31712 read my story it might help <3

I just read your story. Have you ever considered poetry.I consider it to be very beneficial in helping a person to express themselves. Consider joining local community groups in your area, don't continue to isolate yourself from everyone.Blessings