Depression Understood Forums

Hi all, I'm Adam, and I'm 22 y.o. from England. I have OCD and I've also recently started medication for depression too. Here's my main story - I've tried to condense it as much as possible.

I've perpetually always been in a relationship since I was 14. In both of the relationships I had, I completely dedicated myself to my girlfriend at the time. Unfortunately girlfriend numero uno was very emotionally manipulative, and only saw me as an accessory, which eroded my self esteem. I eventually broke up with her because I didn't believe I deserved to be with her.
Girlfriend #2 was much better, but after a while she just started to hate me, and I even had mutual friends come to me with concerns over how she was behaving towards me in public. I cooked and cleaned for her, and I even gave up on my university course and helped her with hers. I did so much for her because I thought she'd always be there for me. But after university was over she told me she couldn't stand to support me with my depression anymore, and I broke up with her because I felt like I was a burden and didn't deserve her.

Additionally, the last year of uni beat all motivation out of me, I gained a lot of weight which made me feel awful. I became very nihilistic. I don't have a lot of friends, and I feel like I'm at a dead end because of making the wrong decisions. My depression got a lot worse.

After I became single, my best friend (who has supported me for several years) made an effort to get me to hang out with her more and to meet her friends. It was great to do so and I actually felt happy. I realised that I could be happy by just spending time with her and not being with someone romantically. I got a bit crazy for her and, unconsciously, I ended up dedicating myself to her. She motivated me to go to the gym, to smarten myself up, and I tried to do everything I could to just be better for her. But doing so was hard, because she's a complete enigma to me. We're best friends but I have no idea what her motivations are, and I just don't understand her. She's very unemotional too. And basically I just felt like I was failing at being better for her because I couldn't do anything for her. I got it into my head that she only cared for me reluctantly, and that I was treating our friendship like something it wasn't. I decided to isolate myself. I got rid of facebook (we usually talked through it). I felt like if I grew distant with everyone then they wouldn't care as much if I did something bad to myself.

As it turns out, my friend texted me that same night. And I'm not really very sure what it was that I said but she became petrified that I was going to do something that night. I've never seen her so worried before, and she told me that she'd be devastated if anything happened to me. It really felt like she was going to fight for me, and considering this was coming from someone who is very robotic, unemotional, and non-sentimental, it was truly bewildering. I realised she does care for me greatly, and then I realised that I had dedicated myself to her over the recent months, and that it was probably not a good thing.

So my goal now is to dedicate myself to myself. I'm not sure how to do that, I just feel like I need to be needed by someone, but I'm sure I'll be a better person if I do manage it. I still have other issues. I don't have many friends at all, and I can't seem to keep new ones. I have unusual tastes and interests compared to those around me. Plenty of people note that I'm extremely nice, but none of them really seem to take an interest in me so I often feel very isolated and lonely...
Anyways, that's pretty much me. Nice to meet you all.

Hi, I'm new to this forum, sorry in advance if my English is a bit rough. It's great that you've made the decision to basically stop to live for expectations of others. But you have to keep in mind and say to yourself that what others think about you or do to you is something you can judge from both point of views and yours is the most important. For example, I think your girlfriends didn't deserved you and not the opposite. Emotionally manipulative? Being mean to you? For what reason? You being depressed? In my book they're just mean, hypocrites, people like that will likely never have a great, long lasting relation with anyone. You don't have to see this kind of behavior as normal even though society today is made of these people in the most part. The amount of dedication you gave show that you're a nice person and you can be proud of it.

Time has no dead end, you're still young and it's never too late to better yourself, you could do it for someone else, but you really have to do it for yourself, find what is best for you, what made you depressed in the first place, and most importantly, what you CAN do for now. Set some small goals and go from there, find what you really like from a person and maybe you can give the same dedication you gave to your friends to yourself, minding your own business and not running from side to side trying to find someone to live for. You don't have to isolate yourself to embrace solitude for the time being. Isolating yourself can be a temporary cure, but you don't want to loose sight of your life by doing so. Friendships like you have with that girl are always welcomed. Don't give up!

Thanks for taking the time to read my story and to offer your advice, it's very much appreciated.

I think fundamentally I just have very low self respect and self esteem and maybe that's why certain others don't offer me their respect either.

I am very strict on myself, because I want to improve in a lot of ways. I think your advice on making short term goals could be a good way to help me out, so I'll definitely try that.

Thanks again