Depression Understood Forums

Hi there,

While this is kind of weird for me, I thought it'd be helpful to write my thoughts down and share it with anyone interested, see what comes up.

I'm an International university student in Canada in my second year. I recently transferred from a university in the States and I believe, I've settled. Things were going great in the beginning I was going to all my classes, attending the lectures and focusing on school. I made friends quick and my house is warm.
Somewhere along the way, I just completely loss control. I got nervous sitting in class, and I mean really nervous. I would feel sick and my stomach would feel gassy for some reason. The environment suddenly became so uncomfortable for me. I started to feel this way when I took the shuttle bus to campus. I hated being in a shuttle with so many people and I felt really stressed and anxious whenever someone sat next to me. I started to catch the shuttle at times where there were less people but that would mean I'd get to my classes a little late, but I just couldn't make it there feeling that way. Slowly I couldn't sit comfortably in class, and I started to feel really gassy and scared altogether in my classes. So I'd take an uber and avoid the shuttle. But when I couldn't afford to take an uber everyday, I avoided going to classes in general. I started missing classes. I would be doing the work for every single class, I just couldn't get myself to go there without feeling this overwhelming stress over me.
I had a Psychology exam to take so I decided to Uber there in the morning a couple hours before. I studied and reviewed all the material a few days prior, I was terribly nervous but I told myself to stay positive. The exam was a complete disaster. I have never felt so much stress in my entire life. I was so stressed in that exam I got to the point where I gave up and circled any answer, just going down the page of questions circling random answers just to get through the test. I got the results and I failed that exam. I don't know how to emphasize the amount of stress I experienced during that time. I never just give up on anything like that. I am always prepared and in control.
Throughout my childhood, middle school and high school I have been a good student. Sure I didn't do well in a few exams maybe but I never took it seriously to hold me back like I took with the Psychology exam. In fact, I never took an exam without feeling good and confident before and after. I was a hard worker and put my effort into everything, I was stellar student, I know I was a good student. I never felt nervous for anything and I felt comfortable more than anything. I honestly can't even remember how that feels like. The stress I'm dealing now is confusing and scary.
This stress has been present ever since the beginning of this year. I took another psychology exam yesterday, having studying for it for 2 weeks and yesterday confirmed everything I have been telling myself. It was a complete disaster and I blew the test. I gave up because my body was shaking, sweating and I felt like the air in the room was sucked out.
As an international student, I seriously cannot afford to fail. It is not okay for me to have come all this way and not do well. My parents have given me everything, my dad works hard to put my siblings and I through school of our choices. I am literally screwing it up by not getting things straight here. I am in my second year, my first year was my year of excuses. If i was to slip up and screw around, my first year was that. I told myself I needed to be serious and start doing well in my courses this year. I am scared and I don't know what to do. I can't be in any classroom without feeling nervous and anxious. I hear my heart in my ears and my stomach is still gassy (i seriously don;t know why) and I have trouble breathing and focusing on anything. I am too down to do anything these days. The break is scary because I can't imagine having to go through it alone with myself in the level of stress I'm in. It's scary to think that I'm going to fail myself and my parents. I can't do anything right and I don't know how I started slipping up. My father put his entire hopes in me and I'm seriously letting him down. We have talked about if it's possible that I needed a break from uni, when he asked if I wanted to come back home to them, nothing felt so much at ease, but I thought about it and I could not do that to him. It's also not that easy to just leave and pick up where I left off as an international student. If I'm not studying in uni, I have no purpose to be here in Canada. The government would terminate my study permit. I'm scared and I don't know what to do.

I'm depressed, I can't stop stressing and feeling sad. Its actually inevitable. I wake up and the first thing I think about is how I've already screwed up things for myself and my parents. I don't talk to my friends anymore and even though I know it's not healthy for me to stay in bed all day, I just can't get out without feeling so useless and incapable of being anything else BUT a failure.
I am angrier more than ever, I cannot pass by the shuttles without feeling nauseous and anxiety, and the moment I step onto my campus I feel sick. Everything about school makes me feel scared.What if I can't go through university? What if I don't have what it takes? What would I possible be doing with my life? I don't want to be alone at all this break and I just need to get better. By the way, counseling is super over rated. I had to wait 2 weeks before getting an intake appointment. Now I am placed on a waiting list and will not be able to see someone again until the new year. I've been suffering with sleep problems for 2 months, I don't eat as often and I get weird health problems each week. Among many people, I'm in a total mess and I actually can't even picture myself feeling normal again.

Hi Sarah, welcome to the forum.

If you read my posts from "Katjie" and others, you will find that we all struggle with some serious issues, like depression all our lives and others form PTSD of some one traumatic event that has happened. Others are just feeling all of a sudden like it is the end of the world.

You are not weird or isolated in your problem, if you have time you can read through some of the other posts.

I want to have a background, if you don't mind me asking: How was your childhood, your neighborhood and school life? Were you happy all your life so far? Is it the first time that you are feeling depressed?

University is a big step and like you, if you have moved across international borders and so far away from home, it will be more difficult to cope with because you are far from the support of family and friends and maybe you had to leave a "special someone" behind as well, it can not be easy! Maybe with a lack of sound sleep because you had to put in extra hours to keep up with your studies, your system finally crashed and you have had a nervous breakdown? Stress and anxiety can cause physical symptoms as you know and it may be the cause of your upset gassy stomach...now it all has snowballed into one big stress event, you try to keep farts in and are not concentrating well, you start to skip classes because you feel embarrassed an uncomfortable and it resulted in you failing exams...now you feel you have failed every one, your lecturers, you new friends and especially your parents, you feel alone and lost and scared.

Have you seen a doctor about your condition, maybe there is an easy "fix" for you stomach, it may just be some condition....if it is because of your panic attacks, have you considered a mild calming meds to make you feel more relaxed and calm to focus more on what you can do to save your studies? Have you a campus psychologist to talk to? It could be that all your fears are just snowballing and you have nobody to put it in perspective for you.

It is NOT too late to save you and your studies, you must try to get an appointment with your lecturers and maybe they can work something out for you to catch up. Maybe before you sit down to study, take a half an hour and do something that will make you relax, but only for a half an hour and empty you mind and concentrate on your study material.

I am not an expert, but there is still hope for you, you must just make work of it, only YOU can make a difference.

See a doctor, get support from your lecturers, ignore the sneers of your piers, get focus and start again!

Please keep talking when you have the time, consider that calming meds. Don't take antidepressants yet, because they have side effects and can make you drowsy and "weird" and even suicidal and makes you gain weight, it is the LAST resort...

Take care Sarah, we care.

Katjie wrote:Hi Sarah, welcome to the forum.

If you read my posts from "Katjie" and others, you will find that we all struggle with some serious issues, like depression all our lives and others form PTSD of some one traumatic event that has happened. Others are just feeling all of a sudden like it is the end of the world.

You are not weird or isolated in your problem, if you have time you can read through some of the other posts.

I want to have a background, if you don't mind me asking: How was your childhood, your neighborhood and school life? Were you happy all your life so far? Is it the first time that you are feeling depressed?

University is a big step and like you, if you have moved across international borders and so far away from home, it will be more difficult to cope with because you are far from the support of family and friends and maybe you had to leave a "special someone" behind as well, it can not be easy! Maybe with a lack of sound sleep because you had to put in extra hours to keep up with your studies, your system finally crashed and you have had a nervous breakdown? Stress and anxiety can cause physical symptoms as you know and it may be the cause of your upset gassy stomach...now it all has snowballed into one big stress event, you try to keep farts in and are not concentrating well, you start to skip classes because you feel embarrassed an uncomfortable and it resulted in you failing exams...now you feel you have failed every one, your lecturers, you new friends and especially your parents, you feel alone and lost and scared.

Have you seen a doctor about your condition, maybe there is an easy "fix" for you stomach, it may just be some condition....if it is because of your panic attacks, have you considered a mild calming meds to make you feel more relaxed and calm to focus more on what you can do to save your studies? Have you a campus psychologist to talk to? It could be that all your fears are just snowballing and you have nobody to put it in perspective for you.

It is NOT too late to save you and your studies, you must try to get an appointment with your lecturers and maybe they can work something out for you to catch up. Maybe before you sit down to study, take a half an hour and do something that will make you relax, but only for a half an hour and empty you mind and concentrate on your study material.

I am not an expert, but there is still hope for you, you must just make work of it, only YOU can make a difference.

See a doctor, get support from your lecturers, ignore the sneers of your piers, get focus and start again!

Please keep talking when you have the time, consider that calming meds. Don't take antidepressants yet, because they have side effects and can make you drowsy and "weird" and even suicidal and makes you gain weight, it is the LAST resort...

Take care Sarah, we care.

Hi Katjie,

I just wanted to first thank you for reading my post and commenting. I know this is something you must do often, but really being able to have the patience and dedication to read everyone's post on this forum is humble, I feel recognized, so thank you again.

My childhood was great. I moved three times during my childhood, I was born in Malaysia, moved to Vietnam. A couple of years later we moved to Qatar (a country in the middle east), then to where my family currently resides Saudi Arabia. However I spent three years of high school in a boarding school in Jordan (also a country in the middle east). I did my freshman year in college in WV, USA and here I am now in Toronto, Canada. Long story short, I've been around all over, and being away from my family was never really an issue. So, with this, I don't know if it's because I miss them. I mean of course I miss them, but I guess being away from home is not a new feeling for me. In fact, my room mate right now is my childhood best friend. Everywhere I went, I was always lucky to have a piece of home with me. I had my brother in uni with me last year for example.
I thought about this being one of the reasons why I've been struggling but I honestly don't know if it is.

And yes, this is the first time I feel depressed, I never felt this down, ever. I'm not usually one to feeling depressed or lonely (not saying I haven't felt any of these feelings) but I always get over it and feel better at SOME point. It's been 4 months, I don't know why my emotions and body feels the way it does. I've always been able to take care of things, I have always been in control. And right now, I have don't have that. I sit in my house not wanting to go out or just try feeling better. Like I said, I think about failing my parents and it's just a scary feeling that rushes my body. I'm sorry I don't know how to describe my pain, it's confusing.

And yes I have read some posts on here about people's experiences through anxiety and depression, I know I'm not alone. I've always known this but it's hard to talk about it with my friends here since they don't really understand my background. Most of them can't even say where I'm from, it's just easier for every one to assume that I'm from here. So in my environment, I do feel alone.But after I read those posts, I didn't feel better. I was aware that if I don't figure things out and get rid of this stress and anxiety I'm going to get worse. It frightened me.

To add on lastly, I did visit a campus councillor since I felt that this was something I couldn't deal with alone anymore. But, the first session was honestly really unhelpful. My councillor was an intern and she went through an intake process and just asked me questions, I talked and told her my concerns and she just wrote down and recorded our conversation. After that she left for five minutes, spoke with a group of clinical psychologists, and she came back and said that she recommends I see a physician and that I'd be put on a waiting list for the next appointment. She said that I wouldn't see them again until the new year maybe not until February. I told her I couldn't wait that long and she said that she couldn't do anything about it because there's a lot of students trying to come in. After having to wait 2 weeks for this first appointment, I basically thought this was useless. There's no way I could go through this alone until then. I feel that it's gotten worse since I visited them. I want to be patient, but I have no time to lose. What happens when my classes start? I can't let down my parents this way you know. It will not be gone by then.

I hope that clarified some things, hopefully I didn't add too much. Thank you again for listening, I appreciate it very much.

.

Hi Sarah i am a college student as well and i have been in your situation and understand how you feel and i think i have some advice and understanding on your situation that will really help you and will also make you feel alot better , ill be on here for a bit tonight and tomorrow:)

Jhaden84 wrote:Hi Sarah i am a college student as well and i have been in your situation and understand how you feel and i think i have some advice and understanding on your situation that will really help you and will also make you feel alot better , ill be on here for a bit tonight and tomorrow:)

Hi Jhaden,

Thank you for your reply on my post. I am all ears and open to hear your thoughts on any advice you could have. Thanks so much!

When i first started college, i was excited and ready to go thinking it would be a fun enjoyable experience, which certainly was not the case at least not at first, everything started going downhill! i started doing bad on test, missing assignments and doing very poor in my classes, i lost all motivation and i felt hopeless like you just going to class made me nervous and stressed i felt as if i was disappointing my family and didnt know what to do, i soon realized a common theme, i lacked motivation and had no drive and no push to achieve good grades and do well in my class, i had no direction and it felt useless to keep trying, so i began to think why am i even here? my answer was i dont even know, sure i had my family trying to motivate me and give me the drive and determination to do good, but that just put more stress and pressure on me and just made things worse! i began trying to figure my purpose and what i wanted to do with my life, i finally discovered i wanted to study psychology and look into becoming a therapist and have an impact on peoples lives, seen then i have almost no stress my grades are great and i look forward to going to class because i know where i want to go and what i want to achieve! and i think thats where are your stress and emotions are coming from, do you have a feeling that you know your purpose? not just a job you want to get after college, but something you truly feel passionate about, something that gives you drive and that you want to strive for everyday! you have to know where you are going and what path you want to take or you'll keep getting lost, if you dont feel you know your purpose , you can find it and once you do i assure you things will change for the better, and id be glad to help you find it

Hi there Jhaden84 and Sarah

Jhaden84, thank you, I am so glad you are taking care of Sarah, you have had both the same experience...she seems like a very nice person and are so far away from home.

Sorry Sarah to hear about you not getting emotional and physical help, but you MUST go and see some doctor...are there not any others in Canada? I am sure your parents will gladly assist you financially to make an appointment, I don't know how it is in Canada, but what I have heard it is a civilized country with very educated people who ears a lot of money. If you pay cash I am sure a physician of doctor will see you.

I have never had the opportunity or money to travel over our borders, it is interesting to read about other people of other countries. I myself are from South Africa, that is going from a 1st world country to a 3 rd world country because of our worst government you can find on this world, it is not even illegal to talk about our bad president, because he is so stupid and the whole cabinet was in jail and has not even made matric / grade 12....they are aware that the whole country's residents hate them....so here the antidepressants are getting scare or are not even delivered in certain towns...it is scary because we all know how vital it is to take our antidepressants EVERY DAY....we also don't have free healthcare, you either pay very expensively for a medical aid fund every month and the medical aid fund has lots of excuses why it does not want to pay for most of the care we need...there is even a limit for seeing a psychiatrist and the meds being described or a psychologist etc.
I have made a plan, I have filled in a form where I declared I am jobless (I work for my partner at home) and then I have signed up for Government help, but it is NOT for free, you still pay but much less than private consultations....now I see a psychiatrist every six months, and get my meds by sitting at a State clinic with other poor people (I don't mind, I am middle class - poor status anyway) in line... I pay about R260 (in SA Rand) for a 3 month course of pills and believe me, it is very cheap THIS way. I don't see a psychologist because I have experienced the same like Sarah, they only "uhm, aahhh..okay" and nothing else and then you leave cheated out of money and time and the humiliation that you are just a lab rat....they do not really care, they are just counting the hours and the money, here we pay a lot per hour and one appointment is obvious not enough...

So yes Sarah, I feel for you, but I am so afraid that you might have an ulcer of something else serious with your body...you might die if you do not get medical help soon!

Keep us posted Sarah, but study first

Jhaden84 wrote:When i first started college, i was excited and ready to go thinking it would be a fun enjoyable experience, which certainly was not the case at least not at first, everything started going downhill! i started doing bad on test, missing assignments and doing very poor in my classes, i lost all motivation and i felt hopeless like you just going to class made me nervous and stressed i felt as if i was disappointing my family and didnt know what to do, i soon realized a common theme, i lacked motivation and had no drive and no push to achieve good grades and do well in my class, i had no direction and it felt useless to keep trying, so i began to think why am i even here? my answer was i dont even know, sure i had my family trying to motivate me and give me the drive and determination to do good, but that just put more stress and pressure on me and just made things worse! i began trying to figure my purpose and what i wanted to do with my life, i finally discovered i wanted to study psychology and look into becoming a therapist and have an impact on peoples lives, seen then i have almost no stress my grades are great and i look forward to going to class because i know where i want to go and what i want to achieve! and i think thats where are your stress and emotions are coming from, do you have a feeling that you know your purpose? not just a job you want to get after college, but something you truly feel passionate about, something that gives you drive and that you want to strive for everyday! you have to know where you are going and what path you want to take or you'll keep getting lost, if you dont feel you know your purpose , you can find it and once you do i assure you things will change for the better, and id be glad to help you find it

Hi Jhaden,

Thank you again for caring and taking the time to listen.

I have been doing something along the lines of what you've said on trying to find a purpose and with what I wanted to do with my life. Of course, it's only safe to say that to fully and truthfully answer that question is probably a life long goal. For a while, I actually felt that I wanted to take down the path of Psychology too. When I took the AP course in high school I actually loved it. Even as I'm studying and going over the materials for my Psych exams, I love learning about it. It provides the basic understanding of why we're humans and gives us a peek into our minds and why we behave the way we do, why we act the way we do and just provides a look at the science and social aspects of ourselves in ways we've always wondered about ourselves or have never thought about. I'll stop there, but you get my point hahah.

But I don't know if Psychology is the field I was maybe meant for, so far I have not been doing well in my core classes for this major and I actually have no idea why. I know myself as a student, and I know that when I put in the work and time, I will do well in my classes, no matter what they are. But for some reason, that statement alone that I've known ever since didn't work. I guess it's just the first time applying this routine actually (and literally) failed me. I started looking into other fields like Education, Journalism and English. I just don't know how I feel about it and getting the "big picture" isn't easy. I know what you've described in your post was achieved through patience and time. Everything and anything that has to do with solving a problem does. But I need to know what must I do now, right now. It's a stupid question because it implies that I need someone to figuratively show me the ropes and hold my hand. I know there are some things that we have to deal ourselves and can only BE solved by ourselves. But right now I actually don't see my options in the first step of dealing with this stress.

Katjie wrote:Hi there Jhaden84 and Sarah

Jhaden84, thank you, I am so glad you are taking care of Sarah, you have had both the same experience...she seems like a very nice person and are so far away from home.

Sorry Sarah to hear about you not getting emotional and physical help, but you MUST go and see some doctor...are there not any others in Canada? I am sure your parents will gladly assist you financially to make an appointment, I don't know how it is in Canada, but what I have heard it is a civilized country with very educated people who ears a lot of money. If you pay cash I am sure a physician of doctor will see you.

I have never had the opportunity or money to travel over our borders, it is interesting to read about other people of other countries. I myself are from South Africa, that is going from a 1st world country to a 3 rd world country because of our worst government you can find on this world, it is not even illegal to talk about our bad president, because he is so stupid and the whole cabinet was in jail and has not even made matric / grade 12....they are aware that the whole country's residents hate them....so here the antidepressants are getting scare or are not even delivered in certain towns...it is scary because we all know how vital it is to take our antidepressants EVERY DAY....we also don't have free healthcare, you either pay very expensively for a medical aid fund every month and the medical aid fund has lots of excuses why it does not want to pay for most of the care we need...there is even a limit for seeing a psychiatrist and the meds being described or a psychologist etc.
I have made a plan, I have filled in a form where I declared I am jobless (I work for my partner at home) and then I have signed up for Government help, but it is NOT for free, you still pay but much less than private consultations....now I see a psychiatrist every six months, and get my meds by sitting at a State clinic with other poor people (I don't mind, I am middle class - poor status anyway) in line... I pay about R260 (in SA Rand) for a 3 month course of pills and believe me, it is very cheap THIS way. I don't see a psychologist because I have experienced the same like Sarah, they only "uhm, aahhh..okay" and nothing else and then you leave cheated out of money and time and the humiliation that you are just a lab rat....they do not really care, they are just counting the hours and the money, here we pay a lot per hour and one appointment is obvious not enough...

So yes Sarah, I feel for you, but I am so afraid that you might have an ulcer of something else serious with your body...you might die if you do not get medical help soon!

Keep us posted Sarah, but study first

Hi Katjie,

I have actually been to South Africa! I went there in 2011 and got the most amazing chance to go there again in 2013. I just have to say, your country is beautiful along with the people, I have never met a people so special and unique, sincerely. I cherish both experiences in SA everyday and everywhere I am. To tell you all about my time there would be too long haha, but know that I am determined to go back again in the near future.
I was lucky enough to visit the Kwa-Zulu area, Joburg, Vryburg and Durban. I have a few friends there that I've met over these couple of years. I have heard and been informed about how the healthcare there. I am so sorry to hear about the unhelpful experience you've had to go through. I can only imagine the struggle to get proper help, as you and I, are one in the same. Please continue to look for help, I feel that you are a wise person, and you'll be able to make the right decisions to take care of yourself.

You're right I probably will see a physician soon lol. I don't know if I have an ulcer...but the symptoms of what the stress has caused alone should be enough of a reason to go haha. Thank you again for listening! I really, really appreciate it

You're welcome Sarah , first let me urge you to not start taking antidepressants, here's the deal with antidepressants, first off many times those who are giving you the antidepressants often don't even have true and honest understanding that it's truly what you need , they listen to you for a while and quickly prescribe you a pill, you take it maybe it works at first or maybe it doesn't? And maybe you come back because it doesn't work and "pay" money try more pills that "might " help you, or all too often they work great for a while and you think everything will be okay , then one day they stop working and your much worse off, because one you have become dependant on them, you've spent loads of money on them , they can have harmful effects on your body and in the end you still haven't resolved the problems you are under going, i tell you this because my aunt has severe depression and I've seen the negative effects first hand as well as with many others , antidepressants are built and revolve around making quick easy money , that being said I'm not saying there can't be benefits from taking them and I advise against them , ill type another replying regarding your message

Im glad you are looking into several career options , that's a great start, you said you feel finding your purpose is a life long journey but that is not the case, when it comes to finding our "purpose" it just comes down to asking yourself some questions , get out a piece ofpaper the right these questions down , and it's important that you actually write it down and your answers, here are some questions.... more than one answer to each question is perfectly okay but narrow it down as much as possible , the questions.... what do you want to be remembered for? Imagine people who are important to you saying i remember Sarah for doing this....for being this kinda person, she impacted so many people because she did this! What would you want them to be saying about you ? What do you believe is great work?? Who have you known in life or heard of and thought wow they are a really great person! People you have great respect for, why do you feel this way about them and what do they do and how do they impact people?? What are important qualities to a good person? What's very important to you? What do you feel strongly about? What would you stand up and fight for? What do you feel is great work?. What makes you feel good about yourself and confident? What makes you feel happy and satisfied about who you are as a person " to be successfull people must do great work and to do great work we must do what we feel is morally good work that we feel is important and to truly be happy we must find our purpose and strive for it every day and never stop making progress! When you find it you will know it, let me know the answers to your questions, as far as a faster fix to your situation ill send another reply:)

.

If you are still looking for answers for what can help your situation quickly? I'll let you know what worked for me

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Please know that you are not alone. There are many many young people that experience depression and anxiety dealing with the stress, demands and newness of college. Not to mention study abroad! . You should really talk with your parent's about what you're experiencing. I'm glad to see you've found this forum and have gotten some great responses. but talking with your parent's would hopefully provide some relief. Your parent's will love you regardless. College away isn't for everyone. Maybe you would be better off moving back home and attending local college. I will surely be praying for you well-being. Pray for God to guide you in the direction He has for you. There you will find your happy place.