unmotivated, venting, depressed maybe..
Posted: Sat Nov 26, 2016 12:27 am
*** heads up I'm kind of venting about a lot of stuff i refuse to talk to anyone i know about, so this may be long***
anyone else ever feel excluded from society? anxious every time you leave the house? its pretty new to me and it started about two months ago after a competition i had, training for it made me feel great mentally, i felt important and for once i found the validity ive always seeked from others, since it ended ive had trouble staying motivated first it started with my training and then it snowballed into depression, anxiety and sometimes thinking to myself I'm pathetic i should kill myself or someone should just do it for me, but i seriously wouldn't do this, i have my mom to take care of and id hate to think of what that would do to her, so I'm not seriously suicidal but the thoughts are there. and i cant get up to do anything i need to do, i feel like ive lost myself as well as my sense of hope. nothing makes me happy, nothing makes me sad, I'm dead inside. I'm also and EMT/Firefighter so that hasn't helped, I'm constantly hoping to myself that i die young and hopefully quick and painless. life has lost its excitement, my generation is hopeless, trustful relationships seem like a thing of the passed. recently ive stopped caring about myself. i have zero motivation to even get up, training is the only thing i love to do and i feel like I'm not good enough to even do that yet, until i fix whatever has gotten me this depressed. by the way the competition i did all began with a bad break up, i dated the same girl for over 4 years and it all ended one night during a phone call, now prior to this phone call everything had been perfect like seriously though even the me and my ex girlfriend were young it was like we were married and things ended over something so stupid and till today she has never answered another call or text, this goes without saying she hasn't tried contacting me either, like man it sucks, i almost took a bullet for this girl believe it if you want or not but when we were like 15-16 i got into a fight on the street one day when a grown man pulled a gun on us after saying something disrespectful to her and i thought about what my dad would do, so i pushed her behind me, she was screaming, it was broad daylight in the middle of a road in front of our school and the guy was yelling, i yelled back and i told him to shoot me. i made a commitment to my action that i knew i was definitely going to die but this is how i wanted to die if i had to. only other option was to run which i thought would be disgraceful or beg him not to shoot which would be even worse. and even now i remember we were separated by cities in the end and every time she came to visit shed cry when she had to leave, i loved her so much so when it ended i had to get her attention and show her i could do better without her. so i kicked ass in the gym literally transformed within 3 months and a year later entered a bodybulding competition and i looked sculpted, not in gross way either, and funny thing is that i remember getting so much attention from girls but i wasn't interested in any of them, unless they reminded me of her which also made me stay away from them. so ive realized that i done all this to get back at my ex, which is funny because she wont talk to me anyways so she probably doesn't know i exist anymore, or does she? i always wonder if she still thinks about me, if she gets sad, does she cry, does she miss me or could she care less, what did she tell her family? even better has she seriously been dictating my life this long its like the thought of her still controls me. i remember one day going to work in uniform the day after our relationship ended and i was breaking inside, we together planned on pursing our careers as part of our master plan together and now that there was no plan what made me still want to pursue a career in ems? crazy thing was that same day before work i stopped at a store to get a redbull and while i was in line a nice lady behind me said "i want to pay for this mans drink" i laughed awkwardly, like was she trying to mess with me, is this some kind of joke haha.. i probably said something dumb like "what?" and she continued to say she was going to pay for my drink and i said no "thank you", but she said "please". i then asked why so she explained to me that when her daughter was 6 she went into anaphylactic shock and nearly died but the paramedics that responded saved her. this blew me away, i went to my car and almost cried, like i was just questioning my career but she reminded me i wasn't doing it for a girl i was doing it to save people, this meant so much to me because it gave me a new sense of purpose, on the down side i learned very quickly that saving people is almost unheard of, bottom line is that reversing death is nothing short of an actual miracle. ive yet to see it, ive seen more people die than i could count. i still have hope i cant become proficient in my skills to still save as many people as i can. another thing is i grew up wanting to be the hero, every cartoon or movie i ever saw, i saw myself as the hero, and growing up ive always saved people from something, whether i had to fight the bullies picking on other kids or talking to others when they needed someone i was always there, i don't believe in a religion or anything but strangely enough i believe i was meant to be a hero even if i die because of this, its the only sense of hope i have, to live and die a hero, and i never knew this would be so hard, my first call a shooting, someone shot in the head and someone else my age shot and dead on the floor, i told myself i could save him.. and i didn't. later i was cleaning the back of the ambulance of the bloody mess and i could see his mom waiting outside when they told her he couldn't be saved, how bad i just wanted to tell her i tried my best. for the first 6 months i thought about this call minimum of 3 times a day, id see his face when i saw other people that looked like him it messed with me but I'm able to shake it off. but yeah not much in my life gives that excitement i want anymore, i wanna date again and really live my life and just have fun, if theres anything my job has taught me its that we're all living on borrowed time, we might not have tomorrow, but i cant shake some of the feelings ive had lately, i miss my family and friends from home I'm alone now and it sucks, i just want to get my career aligned so i could go back everyone has moved on, and this place isn't home either i feel trapped in another dimension, i talked to my dad for like an hour or two today which has never happened and it brought me so many memories i had of good times when i was happy, i had the girl i wanted, friends and family. how i wish i could go back in time.. i miss it all so damn much.. well if anyone reads this or not i actually feel better just venting, but thank you to anyone who chooses to read this
---- I also wanted some opinions on what i should do, so ive done my best to moved on from my passed relationship, now i stopped trying to contact my ex after the first week or two that she started ignoring me, (believe me i want to move on) but without any closure, even a year later and I'm still thinking about it, it bothers the hell out of me that she never tried talking to me, but should i try to contact her? if not how do i get passed this? like I'm not sad or mad about it anymore but i cant not think about it but i really want to. like what if she wants to but shes afraid to?
anyone else ever feel excluded from society? anxious every time you leave the house? its pretty new to me and it started about two months ago after a competition i had, training for it made me feel great mentally, i felt important and for once i found the validity ive always seeked from others, since it ended ive had trouble staying motivated first it started with my training and then it snowballed into depression, anxiety and sometimes thinking to myself I'm pathetic i should kill myself or someone should just do it for me, but i seriously wouldn't do this, i have my mom to take care of and id hate to think of what that would do to her, so I'm not seriously suicidal but the thoughts are there. and i cant get up to do anything i need to do, i feel like ive lost myself as well as my sense of hope. nothing makes me happy, nothing makes me sad, I'm dead inside. I'm also and EMT/Firefighter so that hasn't helped, I'm constantly hoping to myself that i die young and hopefully quick and painless. life has lost its excitement, my generation is hopeless, trustful relationships seem like a thing of the passed. recently ive stopped caring about myself. i have zero motivation to even get up, training is the only thing i love to do and i feel like I'm not good enough to even do that yet, until i fix whatever has gotten me this depressed. by the way the competition i did all began with a bad break up, i dated the same girl for over 4 years and it all ended one night during a phone call, now prior to this phone call everything had been perfect like seriously though even the me and my ex girlfriend were young it was like we were married and things ended over something so stupid and till today she has never answered another call or text, this goes without saying she hasn't tried contacting me either, like man it sucks, i almost took a bullet for this girl believe it if you want or not but when we were like 15-16 i got into a fight on the street one day when a grown man pulled a gun on us after saying something disrespectful to her and i thought about what my dad would do, so i pushed her behind me, she was screaming, it was broad daylight in the middle of a road in front of our school and the guy was yelling, i yelled back and i told him to shoot me. i made a commitment to my action that i knew i was definitely going to die but this is how i wanted to die if i had to. only other option was to run which i thought would be disgraceful or beg him not to shoot which would be even worse. and even now i remember we were separated by cities in the end and every time she came to visit shed cry when she had to leave, i loved her so much so when it ended i had to get her attention and show her i could do better without her. so i kicked ass in the gym literally transformed within 3 months and a year later entered a bodybulding competition and i looked sculpted, not in gross way either, and funny thing is that i remember getting so much attention from girls but i wasn't interested in any of them, unless they reminded me of her which also made me stay away from them. so ive realized that i done all this to get back at my ex, which is funny because she wont talk to me anyways so she probably doesn't know i exist anymore, or does she? i always wonder if she still thinks about me, if she gets sad, does she cry, does she miss me or could she care less, what did she tell her family? even better has she seriously been dictating my life this long its like the thought of her still controls me. i remember one day going to work in uniform the day after our relationship ended and i was breaking inside, we together planned on pursing our careers as part of our master plan together and now that there was no plan what made me still want to pursue a career in ems? crazy thing was that same day before work i stopped at a store to get a redbull and while i was in line a nice lady behind me said "i want to pay for this mans drink" i laughed awkwardly, like was she trying to mess with me, is this some kind of joke haha.. i probably said something dumb like "what?" and she continued to say she was going to pay for my drink and i said no "thank you", but she said "please". i then asked why so she explained to me that when her daughter was 6 she went into anaphylactic shock and nearly died but the paramedics that responded saved her. this blew me away, i went to my car and almost cried, like i was just questioning my career but she reminded me i wasn't doing it for a girl i was doing it to save people, this meant so much to me because it gave me a new sense of purpose, on the down side i learned very quickly that saving people is almost unheard of, bottom line is that reversing death is nothing short of an actual miracle. ive yet to see it, ive seen more people die than i could count. i still have hope i cant become proficient in my skills to still save as many people as i can. another thing is i grew up wanting to be the hero, every cartoon or movie i ever saw, i saw myself as the hero, and growing up ive always saved people from something, whether i had to fight the bullies picking on other kids or talking to others when they needed someone i was always there, i don't believe in a religion or anything but strangely enough i believe i was meant to be a hero even if i die because of this, its the only sense of hope i have, to live and die a hero, and i never knew this would be so hard, my first call a shooting, someone shot in the head and someone else my age shot and dead on the floor, i told myself i could save him.. and i didn't. later i was cleaning the back of the ambulance of the bloody mess and i could see his mom waiting outside when they told her he couldn't be saved, how bad i just wanted to tell her i tried my best. for the first 6 months i thought about this call minimum of 3 times a day, id see his face when i saw other people that looked like him it messed with me but I'm able to shake it off. but yeah not much in my life gives that excitement i want anymore, i wanna date again and really live my life and just have fun, if theres anything my job has taught me its that we're all living on borrowed time, we might not have tomorrow, but i cant shake some of the feelings ive had lately, i miss my family and friends from home I'm alone now and it sucks, i just want to get my career aligned so i could go back everyone has moved on, and this place isn't home either i feel trapped in another dimension, i talked to my dad for like an hour or two today which has never happened and it brought me so many memories i had of good times when i was happy, i had the girl i wanted, friends and family. how i wish i could go back in time.. i miss it all so damn much.. well if anyone reads this or not i actually feel better just venting, but thank you to anyone who chooses to read this
---- I also wanted some opinions on what i should do, so ive done my best to moved on from my passed relationship, now i stopped trying to contact my ex after the first week or two that she started ignoring me, (believe me i want to move on) but without any closure, even a year later and I'm still thinking about it, it bothers the hell out of me that she never tried talking to me, but should i try to contact her? if not how do i get passed this? like I'm not sad or mad about it anymore but i cant not think about it but i really want to. like what if she wants to but shes afraid to?