Depression Understood Forums

I have been deeply in love with my best friend for at least 6 years. A few weeks ago she got engaged. Since then I have been suffering through the most severe depressive episode of my life. My stomach hurts, my appetite is gone, I feel weak, my mind is hazy. I have no motivation. As a recent law school graduate, I will be unable to practice law in this condition, adding a further layer of difficulty on to the whole situation.

My best friend knows of my feelings towards her and that I'm suicidal. She's understanding and supportive despite the circumstances. She said that she would never abandon me, no matter the cost to her. I told her when I was in crisis at the recommendation of a counselor.

I've tried to move on for many years. I've dated many people and tried to form emotional connections with them. Until yesterday, I was in a 2.5 year long relationship. I've never been able to form those emotional connections that I need, and I'm afraid that as long as I have these feelings I never will. Each second of every day I can feel the dread of an eternity without reciprocated genuine love.

I've begun therapy and am taking medication, but I'm afraid that won't be enough. My feelings for her are so real that I'm not sure if I can ever move beyond them. Even as I write this, I feel as though I'm deriving the spirit that I have left in me from what I feel for her. I know I can never be with her and my feelings are literally killing me, but in a strange way I can feel my own dignity and goodness through what I feel for her.

She cares about me, and I made a promise to her that I would seek help if I were ever in a crisis again. I don't want to die, I really don't, but I can't live with this pain forever. When I think about never waking up next to her or never being able to express my love through physical intimacy, the world around me starts to feel unreal. It just all seems so pointless.

Whenever I feel I'm close to ending my life, I can see her face hearing after hearing that I'm dead. I can see her at my funeral in so much pain, blaming herself that I'm gone. I can see her trying to speak about happy times we had together while she shakes. I see her at her wedding, the happiest day of her life, with a small amount of sorrow in her heart because I'm not there. I can't do that to her.

But at the same time, I can't keep going like this. It feels like each day I'm treading water in the middle of the ocean: I can keep going for a while, but without some real hope of rescue my body will give out eventually.

And that's just a regular day. Sometimes I think about the wedding. I was the first person other than her family that she told about the engagement, and I was invited. Not going to her wedding would be an absolute, unforgivable betrayal. But at the same time, I'm afraid that I'll have a mental breakdown at the wedding, and I couldn't live with myself after that.

I don't know what to do about any of this. I'm hanging on to everything by a thread, but I'm getting weaker by the day. Please help me.

Dear Always Heartache,

I have heard it said before that those who hurt more, care more. Let me begin by saying that your friend is truly blessed to have someone as devoted and loving like you in her life. And I think she realises this because she has said that she will never "abandon you". I understand that you are in a lot of pain, and my heart goes out to you. I have been suffering as well because the man I love and was engaged to for years left me and made it clear that he is happier without me. Now he is engaged and very happy in his new life.
I want you to remember something very important, you matter to your friend and she wants you to be in her life, you do contribute to her happiness even though you cannot have the kind of relationship you desire. This is very different than being insignificant for someone. Consider, she does not reject you and she values the role you play in her life, it's just a different kind of role than you had wanted. It will be really hard for you but day by day you will overcome.
As for how you will ever be able to form other relationships and connect. One thing at a time. First, let's tackle this challenge and the others will be dealt with when you are ready for them. I just want you to remember how important you are for the people around you and for your friend as well.

My heart hurts hearing your words… I feel the pain in them and I’m sorry for all that you are going through. I’m so glad you are seeking medical help and counseling. You sound like a person who loves very deeply which mean your hurt is deep as well. I can’t begin to understand what you are feeling... I have been wounded very deeply myself in the last 2 years and believe that has given me a real compassion for other hurting people. I don’t know if you have a faith in God or not… but I can tell you that for me, it is what pulled me through the darkest times. I continually prayed for the strength i needed, sometimes minute by minute, sometimes day by day and He was always faithful to give me what I needed or bring someone around to help walk me through it. I always knew Jesus loved me but now I saw it demonstrated in very tangible ways. I just want you to know how much Jesus loves you as well and that your life is of great worth. If you want to know more, please just let me know and I will be happy to share with you. I will be praying for you… that you seek God and find the healing and peace that only He can give and feel His love in very tangible ways, and for the strength you need to get through each day, and for wisdom for your counselor that they are able to determine the best way to help walk you through this, and for people to love and care for you during this very dark time… and for hope, that you can begin to see a future without all the pain you are feeling right now. I want to share one of my favorite Psalms from the Bible… to me it shows God’s love and care for us.

[Psalm 139:1-18 NLT] 1 O LORD, you have examined my heart and know everything about me. 2 You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts even when I'm far away. 3 You see me when I travel and when I rest at home. You know everything I do. 4 You know what I am going to say even before I say it, LORD. 5 You go before me and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head. 6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to understand! 7 I can never escape from your Spirit! I can never get away from your presence! 8 If I go up to heaven, you are there; if I go down to the grave, you are there. 9 If I ride the wings of the morning, if I dwell by the farthest oceans, 10 even there your hand will guide me, and your strength will support me. 11 I could ask the darkness to hide me and the light around me to become night-- 12 but even in darkness I cannot hide from you. To you the night shines as bright as day. Darkness and light are the same to you. 13 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb. 14 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous--how well I know it. 15 You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. 16 You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. 17 How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! 18 I can't even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up, you are still with me!