Am I suffering from Depression? [Triggering Content]

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Am I suffering from Depression? [Triggering Content]

Postby Woodland » Thu Jul 21, 2016 3:54 pm

[ TRIGGER WARNING: Suicide references in this post]

I’ve always tried to avoid even thinking about being diagnosed with Depression, because even though it seems to run in my family, there’s a stigma in my head that says it’s a weakness.

I have always valued my intelligence above every other characteristic I have. Please don’t get me wrong, I’m not the smartest person in the world, far from it, but I’ve always had above-average intelligence, and that’s always been the most valuable thing to me.

I don’t want to rattle on forever, so here’s the reasons that I’ve recently been thinking that I might suffer from depression. (I don’t know what the actual term is anymore, bipolar, manic-depression, just plain depression, so I’ll just refer to it as depression).

I’m constantly messed up. It’s incredibly hard to explain how this feels to me, but it’s like I’m always looking over my own shoulder, falling short, and constantly looking for a way out. It’s as if the things I’ve done right in my life mean absolutely nothing. I’ve done some things I’m proud of, but they seem to mean nothing compared to all the mistakes I’ve made.

I look at my life now and it looks pretty pointless. As if, if I died right now, I can only see the mistakes I made, and the moments I made a mess of. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve done a bunch of stuff and had a lot of experiences, and some of them were pretty awesome. But it’s like my brain has shut down, and I can only see those experiences as if I’m watching a playback of my life on a screen, and they just flash by, completely pointless.

Depression does seem to run in my family. Both my mother and my maternal grandmother had/has it, although I don’t believe either of them admitted/admits it. My mother was taken into temporary care when she was about eight (I may be wrong about her age), because her mother couldn’t take care of her. My maternal grandparents also had a son, 2-5 years younger than my mother, who they took much better care of.

My older brother also has depression, and takes meds for it. That’s a weird situation, though, and while I admire him for getting help, there’s still a stigma that stops me truly admitting that I might have mental health problems.

I have thought about suicide a few times, and I’ve been extremely close to it three times. The first time, I was twelve, and if there had been enough pills in the bathroom cabinet, I would’ve gone through with it. The second time, I was thirty-two, and I went across the street to the internet café to look up the best way to kill myself with pills, and what I read scared me off because I couldn’t find a foolproof way to do it that would allow me to die before anyone found me. The most recent time was a few days ago, when I went so far as to write a rather polite suicide note. I was planning to throw myself off a cliff.

I feel guilty for still being here. I’m not very good at committing suicide, but everytime I intend to do it, I am deadly serious. Then something stops me. That might sound like I don’t really want to kill myself, and maybe I don’t, but I can assure you everytime I attempted it, I wanted to go through with it.

I guess I’m a huge mess, and I’m sort of aware of it. So, I’m thinking of making an appointment with my GP. Do you think I should? Part of me still likes to think I’m just bad at managing my own brain, or maybe I’m a bit overdramatic. Maybe you guys know? Any help would be appreciated.

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Joined: Fri Oct 03, 2014 1:26 pm

Re: Am I suffering from Depression?

Postby 100footpole » Sat Jul 23, 2016 12:10 pm

Hi Woodland,

Welcome to the group. I would also categorize myself as a huge mess ... although perhaps one on the road to recovery.

I definitely think you should talk to your GP, first based on your feelings, and second based on your family history. We know that a component of depression can be genetic, and hopefully you and your GP will find a successful treatment.


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