Frequently visiting square one

[__d]

Hi.

And my apologies if this gets long and boring.

I am a male human in late thirties and I have been interested in the opposite sex for a long time. I am not ashamed of my sexuality now, or so I think. And I have as long as I remember wanted intimacy - which is different from just-sex - with another human. And perhaps because of my interest in the opposite sex, I have been seeking intimacy with a female human. I am not ashamed of this, either.

However, to cut the long story short, I have often been rejected, sometimes with humiliation, and left alone. Three times, people showed interest in me or even in starting a relationship, but they ended up humiliating and ripping me off in a few months of hanging. There was one exception: a good relationship happened, but that was geographically impossible after 6 months (we are in different continents now).

I have had sex once, but that was with one of the rip-offs. Still, that is not why I am depressed.

I feel lonely. And I seem to be unable to break the loneliness cycle. Luckily I am somewhat humorous and can sometimes make myself laugh. Some other times I manage to give myself hope. But the depression sucks it all up quickly, and if I manage to give myself an energy boost I will just climb up to ground zero again. I am repeating myself.

Contrary to sexual frustration, which my body sometimes experiences as kind of a pile-up of energy, depression and hopelessness weaken my body, to the extent that I sometimes find it hard to walk.

The worst part is seeing that I can't find someone who doesn't humiliate me but likes me, and it is increasingly less likely to happen now that I am closer to 50 than to 20. It feels like a prison. Hopelessness is more depressing than loneliness itself.

I recently had a serious negotiation with my worst self-destructive thoughts and we agreed to let me live But all what made my life as it is, is still there. And I am back at square one.

But I will try to stand up again. The hopeless and depressed me definitely has no chance, and has to change. I like the person I was fifteen years ago: fond of life. Now I have settled in a new country. Maybe the new society will be interested in the old me. I will try.

Thank you for reading.

[LastAcorn99]

I’m sorry that you’re struggling. Know that you’re not alone. If you haven’t already, I would strongly suggest that you seek professional help. May God surround you with His loving presence and comfort you in the coming days.

[GlassHeart]

"Back at square one" is something I said to my friend at dinner the other evening. Although I have been able to see my friends since moving, I have been unable to meet new people since my friendship with someone I loved fell apart. That's why I'm on this forum, alone on a Saturday night!
I warn against long-distance relationships and virtual "relationships" where you only communicate electronically. Anyone you have never met in person could be anyone on the other end, and no matter what their sentiment, it does not constitute a "relationship" (and I don't mind sounding VERY old-fashioned).
I know it's difficult when you have gone through most of your life alone. When your peers all have someone, whether they are happy or not, they are not alone. It's hard not to compare oneself to others around them. I, personally, dislike being out when most people around me are couples or people with dates. I dislike seeing couples holding hands or walking with their arms around each other in public. I never really had anyone to genuinely care about me in a mutual way. It only makes me feel worse when I see that, and one thing I really HATE are romantic comedy movies! The usual gist is "there is someone out there for everyone." Bullocks! I have believed for years that there are some people for whom there is NO ONE appropriate for, and that there are people simply better off being alone. I think I am but one.
My last friendship seemed promising at first but I ended up an emotional trainwreck because of his rejection. It still hurts like hell. I am alone now because of him. I wish I had never met him nor allowed myself to have the feelings I had for him! Because it only made his rejection hurt that much worse!
Loneliness really does a lot to a person, more than most people realize. The isolation makes one unsure of themselves, and it perpetuates itself. It is depressing, and the more we feel depressed the less likely we are to draw the right kind of people to us. I can understand the thought of ending one's life because the prospect of being alone into old age is just too much too bear. It hurts. And I know it's harder as people grow older. It seems more acceptable for men to date younger women than it is for women to date younger men. Younger men only see the "cougar" woman as a sort of novelty. Something they can rap about to their frat brothers over beers.
Men seem to have an easier time in meeting people unless they are shy or have an awkward appearance. That's because traditionally, women are not supposed to approach men. But I often see folks who are downright ugly who are coupled off with someone! How is that? I ask myself!
I think there are too many expectations on people toward finding love. And it's highly overrated. Just a bunch of hormones and chemicals firing off in your brain, turning you into an utter fool! From this perspective it's easier for me to cope with my solitude. And if you really get frustrated, take yourself out to a bar and get behind those stupid couples taking selfies cheek-to-cheek with each other and PHOTOBOMB them! I did it last night while out with my gal pal and it made me feel a lot better (bunny ears from behind!).

[__d]

Thank you guys for your kind support.

GlassHeart you made me laugh! I just feel what you said.

Thank you for being there.

[GlassHeart]

You're welcome. Best wishes to you.