What have I become

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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Atandra
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Joined: Wed Jun 01, 2016 4:47 am

What have I become

Postby Atandra » Wed Jun 01, 2016 4:53 am

I live between the period of one substance abuse till when it's time for another. I crave to fast-forward this gap.

The only reality i feel is pills running down my throat.

All emotions gone; replaced by fake, synthetic emotions. My enthusiasm is fake, my laugh is fake, my sadness is fake, my anger is fake, my fleeting happiness is faux.

Pills have taken charge. They determine what I do, how I feel.

I no longer have control.

The demons for which I started taking substances are not gone. No. They have only got stronger and stronger.

Depression has become sneaky, it suddenly envelops me like a grey cloud when it wants, leaving me paralyzed in hopelessness.

What have I become?

I cannot remember the last time I felt true happiness. Did I ever feel it at all? Its all blurry now.

Can I go back? Ever?

Go back to what? I don't know that either.

I am clueless. Misguided and confused.

My existence bear no meaning.

Maybe i will end it someday... that'll take a lot of courage. I don't wanna hurt myself. I just want to disappear completely. Is that too much to ask?

100footpole
Posts: 477
Joined: Fri Oct 03, 2014 1:26 pm

Postby 100footpole » Wed Jun 01, 2016 9:18 am

I hate depression it makes you think things like this:

What have I become?

I cannot remember the last time I felt true happiness. Did I ever feel it at all? Its all blurry now.


You have not become anything ... every moment in the future has possibility, but you are right, it seems like every moment that has passed was painful, but that pain is what you feel because you are tired and it is so much hard work.

What can you do to help yourself find help? It is tough to do the right thing alone, are there any positive influences you can point to?

Atandra
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Joined: Wed Jun 01, 2016 4:47 am

Postby Atandra » Thu Jun 02, 2016 2:09 am

100footpole wrote:I hate depression it makes you think things like this:

What have I become?

I cannot remember the last time I felt true happiness. Did I ever feel it at all? Its all blurry now.


You have not become anything ... every moment in the future has possibility, but you are right, it seems like every moment that has passed was painful, but that pain is what you feel because you are tired and it is so much hard work.

What can you do to help yourself find help? It is tough to do the right thing alone, are there any positive influences you can point to?


Well, first of all let me thank you. Thank you so much for reading! The feeling that another human being has known what I am going thru is calming.

Well I teach physics in high school and I am a semi-professional Guitarist. I love these, but when depression creeps in, it has this very powerful ability to make you hate everything vehemently! I am so tired of this. But I have no control...

Yes, distractions and some healthy procrastination usually sweeps my suicidal thoughts under the rug. The pills help too, but for limited time.

It is that my depression has gotten stronger and stronger over years. It waits at every corner. When it pounces, I bleed. I cannot take this anymore...

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defeated
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Postby defeated » Thu Jun 02, 2016 11:14 am

Hey Atandra,

Sorry you're having such a rough time. I can relate on having to "fake" having to many emotions that no longer come naturally. I always hope that maybe if every now and then those moments are real. I think happiness comes in small flashes for some that deal with depression. At least that's how it is for me.

Are you seeking help for the substance abuse stuff? I'm sure that has to be hard to deal with as well.

Hang in there. *hugs*

100footpole
Posts: 477
Joined: Fri Oct 03, 2014 1:26 pm

Postby 100footpole » Thu Jun 02, 2016 12:18 pm

This feeling:

when depression creeps in, it has this very powerful ability to make you hate everything vehemently! I am so tired of this. But I have no control...


Is so true for many of us. Prozac takes the edge off depression for me, but it doesn't make it go away. I haven't found one thing that gives me back that feeling of control. CBT gave me some skills, religion helps some people ... and it can take many forms ... mindfulness is a buzz word, but the idea helps me have faith in things that I can't see, and to not believe thoughts that my depressed mind seems to come up with. Thoughts like "I have no control".

Writing helps with this. After two years I can look at my posts on here and no that I do have some control ... So what works for me is to post on here, first about my thoughts, and then after I have an inkling about why and who I am, to see if my changes can help someone else.

If you haven't been to therapy, I recommend that you give it a try. I believe that your therapist should give you homework ... books to read, forms for you to use to create a baseline for what your helpful and harmful thoughts are ...

Atandra
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Joined: Wed Jun 01, 2016 4:47 am

Postby Atandra » Sat Jun 04, 2016 12:33 pm

I agree. But I live in India. A good therapist is both rare and very expensive in the city of Kolkata, which right now I can't afford.

The pills take the edge off, yes. But like you said, it doesn't take away the Big D.

And worst of all is the tolerance. The tolerance piles up pretty quickly and so the dosage and bill. I am at my worst now... knowing I can't afford if the ones I have don't suffice! I don't know what to do then!

I am not deep into the bottomless pit because of these pills. They got me and still getting me thru very difficult situations!

And boy, did not I try meditation, mindfulness, self-love and all those jazz! But when the depression really hits, it takes off the motivation for everything! I do mean EVERYTHING! It sucks the life right outta me.

100footpole
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Joined: Fri Oct 03, 2014 1:26 pm

Postby 100footpole » Mon Jun 06, 2016 12:02 pm

Atandra,

Whatever coping mechanisms you find would probably be good for the rest of us too ... What one thing did you do today that gave you some relief?

What do you think the hardest part of making a new friend is? My big problem is balancing between trust and independence. I don't want to appear needy ... Depression makes me look at friendships transactionally, which makes them awkward.

Atandra
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Joined: Wed Jun 01, 2016 4:47 am

Postby Atandra » Mon Jun 06, 2016 9:56 pm

Well when the Big D strikes, there's nothing much I can do then. But to avoid daily;
1. Distraction: Keep myself busy. NO matter what. Don't let my brain Idle. Keep it busy always. It maybe something that you enjoy, or some deadlines to meet... anything.

2. Pills (ssri,snri mostly). I Mainly use Tramadol, which is mainly a weak opiate but has excellent ssri and snri properties. But then tolerance grows quickly, and the vicious cycle of physical and mental dependence starts. And this drugs are very hazardous at high doses, risks of grand mal seizures become too real. So I never recommend these.

3. This sounds silly, but sex if you can. Even the erotic contemplation keeps the brain distracted.

4. A favorite phrase of mine "This too, shall pass". Helps both in anxiety and depression. Keeps me grounded.

But mind you, these are my coping mechanisms. I do not condone them. especially the pills.

Also when depression manages to sneak in and hits with full force, there is nothing much I can do... all these mechanisms are like fortes to keep the bigD at bay.
One thing I have learnt is do not try to make people understand what depression is and what steaming hell are you going through. They will never understand. I repeat, NEVER. This was the biggest lesson life taught me.
Last edited by Atandra on Mon Jun 06, 2016 10:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Atandra
Posts: 6
Joined: Wed Jun 01, 2016 4:47 am

Postby Atandra » Mon Jun 06, 2016 10:05 pm

To answer your second question, well, I have social anxiety and making friends isn't at the top the list for me. I had few friends, after the depression, fewer. Only those who agreed to stick with my unexpected behavior, mood changes, plan cancellations, blame games etc... they remained. They are the few best things in my life, but I am afraid slowly I will lose them too for what I am becoming...

I think true friendship is a spontaneous phenomenon. It doesn't need a forced introduction, or insinuation. But who am I to tell.

iServe
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Joined: Wed Jun 15, 2016 10:01 am

Re: What have I become

Postby iServe » Wed Jun 15, 2016 10:15 am

I applaud you for your courage by sharing your reality on this forum. Having shared, I want to encourage you to find someone or something worth living for. Let's begin with you. The truth is that you have character, courage, and a precious heart. you may not be able to see that being alone, therefore, please surround yourself with a group of people that can validate and encourage the true you. Please encourage yourself daily with words of truth and encouragement. I encourage my soul by reading the Book of Truth--"I am fearfully and wonderfully made in the image and likeness of God" and so are you. Keep your head up and refuse to give up. Hope this note is a blessing.


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