Smiling depression - someone help find the old me please

[K1996]

I know this is long but I'd really appreciate if some of you could read this and tell me what you think, I'm so lost and really want to feel better.

My name is Kate and I'm just about to finish my first year at university. I was bullied all through school never feeling like I had any true friends, have a very emotionless and distant relationship with both parents and my father is an aggressive alcoholic.
I've never approached the situation or discussed it with anyone as I'm so worried they will judge me, think I'm attention seeking or generally just being a burden. I'm so worried of losing friends that I feel I need to be perfect all the time and not unload my problems onto them.
Over Christmas I started seeing someone new and I finally found someone I could open up to, this has been a blessing and a curse. It has meant that I finally felt I could talk to someone about how I feel, I would call him for hours in the middle of the night having panic attacks and wanting to end my life. As we got closer I opened up to him more about everything and realised that in fact I had a lot more problems than I first thought. For years and years I had pushed things to the back of my mind, denied anything was wrong and just refused to think about any of it. Now everything has come to the surface, it's brought back horrible memories as I've realised the many things that could of contributed to how I feel now. After weeks of research I concluded that the most likely reason for this is smiling depression. I had never heard of this before but I mentioned it to my boyfriend and he told me that he has suspected depression for a while as his sister has it but didn't want to tell me incase it affected my revision and exams.
I've always been a high achiever, academically I've always excelled, I was deputy head girl at school, involved in loads of sports and compete internationally in one of them and now I have no motivation to do any of it. Everyone that I know would refer to me as loud, happy, bubbly, driven and motivated but that's not who I am anymore. I lost captaincy of my national team this season, I never want to go to training for my university team even though I absolutely love the people, I can't concentrate long enough to revise for more than 2 minutes and I've done next to no uni work this year. I lie in bed torturing myself as I want to get up and do things but I can't bring myself to get out of bed even though I know so much is expected of me.
I'm going back home in less than 2 weeks and I am absolutely dreading it, leaving a city to go to the countryside where I hardly get to see anyone, I don't want to live at home with my parents, I hate being around my dad and I'm scared his drinking will of got worse again.

I'm not sure what I'm expecting after I post this, I'm hoping that someone will have some advice for me or be able to make sense of any of this. I really want to get back to the person I know I am on the inside, I'm done pretending to be happy, I want to be happy xoxo

[GlassHeart]

Firstly, I am not going to ask you "what do you have to be depressed about?" I learned from reading in depression forums that highly successful, educated people who seem to have it all get depressed.
Your depression could be environmental - related to your home environment. And being bullied in school is a drag, too. That happened to me so I can relate.
Try distancing yourself from the people who are hurting you. It's easier said than done if they are a means of support to you.
Also, consider seeing a counselor, and if you do see someone who isn't working for you, find a new one. I am not one to be dishing out professional advice.
I always tell myself it can get worse.
Be glad you have a boyfriend who will allow you to tell him what's on your mind. I met someone I REALLY liked but when my situation had me depressed he split and won't talk to me at all anymore. That hurts!!
I posted my story yesterday but haven't had any response. I realize I must sound like a whiny drama queen. I don't think I will use this forum anymore but I just want to wish you well.