I want to stop being angry

[PianoStrings]

Hi so this is a different take I suppose on a post I already made.
When I was younger, someone in my family hurt me a lot. Not usually physically, just emotionally. Every time I opened my mouth, I got hurt. Every time I did something, anything, I got hurt. Even doing nothing got me hurt.

Nothing I ever did was good enough. No matter how hard I tried, I could never reach the standards others set for me.

Eventually, at a fairly young age, I fell into a deep depression and not surprisingly was suffering from an anxiety disorder. I was alone, hurt, and dead inside. I was never able to express my feelings and often felt like I was suffocating.

Eventually I became numb to it- the yelling, the insults, the pain. I just pushed it all away and thought that if I pretend it wasn't real it would go away.
Sadly, it didn't. Now, a few years later, I've made a few break throughs and am trying to get my life back on track.
The trouble is, I can't be myself. Every time I think about that anger, that pain, it's too much and I have to block it out. I can't accept that it happened to me.
I still live in the house with this person. They still hurt me occasionally but it's gotten better.

The older I get, the more afraid they seem to have become of me I suppose, so they hurt me less. But I'm still scared of them, and I can't let go of the pain of the way they treated me when I was younger.

They're not a bad person, and I know they love me. Telling them how I feel would be disastrous and would seem to them to be uncalled for. They're extremely manipulative, and I'm tired of playing their games.

I desperately want to embrace my feelings and let my self heal and get better, but this anger is eating me alive and I'm terrified of what will happen if I embrace it. I still live in the house with this person and my life is still controlled, so it's not like I can talk to anyone or break something or scream.
I'm too young to move out. I want to just hang on until I can escape, but I'm not sure I can take this much longer.

I hate them so much but I don't WANT to. I want to let this anger go but it's killing me.

If anyone has any advice on how to deal with this that would be wonderful. Thank you for reading. I hope you are all doing well.

[100footpole]

I hate them so much but I don't WANT to. I want to let this anger go but it's killing me.

You have already done the one thing that works for me: writing on here.

I remember I started to have this feeling:

Eventually, at a fairly young age, I fell into a deep depression and not surprisingly was suffering from an anxiety disorder. I was alone, hurt, and dead inside. I was never able to express my feelings and often felt like I was suffocating.

When I was in junior high school. I waited until college to start getting counseling because until then I blamed myself. I know it is hard, but I think the sooner you find an experienced trained person to talk to the sooner you might find ways to tolerate your pain.

I still have the feelings above. In another post I read someone talked about how their faith has helped them deal with the feelings. I used to laugh at the idea of "faith", but now I know that the concept only applies individually, not universally. Getting to Know myself with counseling has helped me identify the things that I know I can believe in: Like I am luckier than I feel, which is completely different than counting my blessings.