Depression Understood Forums

I know I am a waste of space.

I know I am a waste of resources.

I know that day after day I fail to do well at this institution that is costing my parents hundreds of thousands of dollars.

But I also know that the pain is crippling. I mean it really is crippling. My chest hurts and there is no energy in my body. I am paralyzed with self loathing.

I know why I am this way. It’s a combination of my disorders (Bipolar II, anxiety, and OCD) and the way I have been treated in the past.

I was demonized and gas lighted by my mother. I was physically hurt and demonized by my father. I was bullied by my classmates. I was the person that everyone knew was weak. That person that is the distraction from everyone else’s flaws. I stuck with abusive friendships and relationships that made me hate myself.

I felt like I deserved abuse. So at the end of the day, I apologized for causing my ex to hit me. I apologized for getting angry at my housemate for provoking security to bust into my home. I had sex with every man who asked because I felt guilty saying no as an effect sexual harassment I had endured.

And this cycle of abuse makes me feel like the world is attacking me. I don’t trust anyone. I push people away and lash out. I lose people. I hurt people. I am sick and I hurt people.

I am both the victim and the aggressor. I guess that is how life works. That is how people work.

But if I am going to walk in the steps of Jesus, I can’t hurt people with my illness. I just can’t. So that’s why I close my door. That’s why I lie and say I’m ok. That’s why I am constantly “sick” or “too busy doing homework.”

But whatever my excuse, what I really am doing is lying in the dark. Lying in the dark hoping to fall asleep because maybe then the pain will stop. Maybe this ripping guilt with ease. Maybe the physical pain in my chest will fade.

I dream of the pain.

I wake with the pain.

I am pain.

I am a monster.

I'm going to write something that comes out of intuition. To me, it is a call to hope for you, smallcat (specifically - for you).

You say these things, and yet, your fundamental body wouldn't be here without the explosions of stars from millions or billions or years ago.

Perhaps that means nothing. Perhaps it means everything. Literally. The Universe resides with in you, smallcat. And you are it's expression.

To me and my mind that is not monstrous in any sense; but rather, a thing of utter Beauty. And maybe... possibly... this is your departure point to re-build your life - to re-frame it - in hope.

Find your people, though... your Tribe. Also, find a mental health professional to assist you - that is important.

Again, just talking with my intuition. None of this may work for you. Maybe it's some "seeding thoughts."

A take-away thought? There is no monster. My dear, there never was.

Wow. I used to feel this way when I was younger. I still have difficulty with the intolerable stigma of having a label put on me because of my depression - it is dehumanizing and causes me terrible shame!
I used to believe I deserved to be abused, that I was worthless and didn't deserve to be loved. Today I struggle to get myself out of a bad situation with no one's help. Because I truly have no one.
I have sought love recently only to feel rejected. I know it is because my situation has made me a neurotic mess.
I've endured bullying in school and the workplace, and abuse from my parents, who are both mentally ill.
I do try to consider the source nowadays - so when people mistreat you, consider that it's a reflection of how low and ignorant they are and not so much a reflection on who you are. Though it's easier said than done.
I have failed to accomplish things my peers are doing, I don't have a job at the moment. I am horribly poor and destitute. I haven't felt so low in a long time. Nonetheless, I don't believe I deserve abuse, or to feel pain, or to be so unloved. No, I believe I am a decent human being who never did anything so horrible as to deserve the anguish I am feeling.
This world can be cruel, especially to those of us who feel we have no place in it.
I would hope, that in your youth, you might find your way to a large city where you might have better likelihood of finding kindred minds. Sometimes, though, no matter where we go, we feel like we will never fit in. So lost and alone, we feel as though we are the only one, like us, in this place.
You don't deserve to be abused. No one does. No matter what your diagnosis, or your struggles, or what people might do or say, you don't deserve mistreatment from anyone.
I personally won't tolerate abuse in relationships. I have been alone most of my adult life and had enough abuse as it is. When it comes from a person outside of my family relations, I have a choice not to have that person in my life. I will not bring more abuse into my life.
It is my hope that as you get older, despite the fact you may feel alone, you will realize that you don't deserve to be hurt or abused, either! And it takes a long time to find that inner strength to go on, but I hope you will find it someday.

In time, things work out. Although when suffering from all sorts of turmoil for so long & without seeking help...things will get worse.

If you want to get through life don't dwell on your past, think about how to stay healthy.

If you feel good you will feel good, and if one keeps working on the worst then things only continue to stay worse.