Depression since childhood, ready for life to end

[readytogiveup]

As a child I was always described as a sad and angry child, quite different from my siblings as they were your standard happy children. I was born with a severe clef lip and palette which took many surgeries to mostly fix. It is now barely noticeable. Also had many ear infections which slowed my speech development. This made me socially awkward and gave me extremely low self-esteem. Suicidal ideation started at around age 13 and have only intensified. I tried to bury myself in distractions and play many different sports as well as many hours of video games, but never really had any friends. Never could connect with anyone, not even my parents or siblings. In fact, I can't remember ever felling any positive emotions such as love or joy. There are things I like doing not because they make me happy, but because they distract me from the pain, misery and suicidal thoughts for a while.

At 18 I had my first experience with a girl showing interest in me. We've now been married for 12 years and have 4 kids. About 2 years ago I finally went to a Dr. about my depression. She diagnosed me with double depression (dysthymia and MDD). My baseline mood seems to be much lower than the average person with intermittent bouts of MDD. I still can't seem enjoy anything or feel happiness. Even after 2 years of various antidepressants and CBT. The only thing I've gotten out of these are side effects that I'd rather not be dealing with. It's so bad that I couldn't even find joy at the birth of any of my 4 kids. What kind of parent does that make me? What kind of horrible person does that make me? I don't want to be a father, yet I have these 4 kids against my wishes (more on that in a bit). I resent having these kids but I don't resent the kids themselves. They are just your average kids that cause normal kid stress, they didn't ask to be born to me, none of this is their fault. So, I attempt to give them the father they deserve, but am having difficulties. I take them to the park, to their sport games and practices and out to the store when they beg to go with me, yet I hate every moment of it. When I come home from work my 2 year old drops what she's doing and runs to me yelling 'dada'. Objectively I know this should be a cute and joyful moment, yet I feel nothing. So, I put on a fake smile, pick her up, kiss her on the cheek and give her a hug.

The relationship with my wife has broken down. Shortly into our relationship she pressured me into not using condoms saying it'll feel better and that she's on birth control. Pushover me (which she admits is a trait that attracter her to me) gave in and at 3 months into our relationship she was pregnant. Under pressure from her and false societal programming I did 'the right thing' and married her at the age of 18. I also went to college to get away from crap jobs now that I had a family. During this time my wife started pressuring me for another kid. I didn't want any more kids and I surprisingly held my ground. But, she ended up pregnant again even though we always used condoms. After checking the info on the box of condoms about failure possibilities I discovered pin holes in all of the unused condoms. She ended up admitting to it and that she purposely stopped taking birth control to get pregnant with our first as well. I should have left her then, but pussy doormat me caved to her pleas for forgiveness and stayed. She said she did it because she loved me so much that she wanted a family with me. Over the next 6 years or so she ended up pressuring/guilting me into 2 more kids. By that time I was broken, I caved to stop the constant pressure and nagging.

Before getting pregnant with our 4th, I found inappropriate messages between my wife and a coworker of hers from a part time job she got to help with our crushing debt. The lies and blame she laid on me over the next few months was staggering. Again, I should have left her. They finally cut off contact and she quit the job and the both swore it never got physical. The messages did have a lot of declarations of love for each other but didn't indicate they'd been physical either. Doormat me stayed. We've had bad luck with medical bills and are heavily in debt. I didn't think I could afford a divorce. Things did get better for a time after our last child was born. But 2 year after the first 'emotional affair' I found out she was in one with another coworker front he same place. More lies, more blaming me. When I confronted him he apologized to me and said she told him we were separated and getting a divorce. He said it never got passed a few make out sessions. This is info she wouldn't even give up. He did cut contact with her and move on, so I assume he's telling the truth, plus I have no evidence to the contrary. This time I did leave. But, she begged me to come back for the kids. Seeing as we are near bankrupt, and can't even pay all of our bills, and I really didn't have any place to go as I have no friends and family is in no position to take me on. I came back.
I'm done, I want out. I don't want to be a husband or a father. I don't want to live anymore. I need this pain and darkness that I've felt for my entire life to end. I think about killing myself many times a day. The only thing that keeps me from doing it is the obligation I have to these 4 kids. Pills didn't help, CBT didn't help, my Pastor and the rest of those hypocrites didn't help , meditation didn't help. I'm trapped in this pain and misery. I have also thought about just leaving and not looking back. Again, my duty to these kids keep me from doing it. Next plan would probably be to divorce and do joint custody. Seeing as she's a stay at home mom at the moment and I work a full time job I'd give her majority custody. This would strain our already bankruptcy level of debt. Our house is in foreclosure, we do have a cheap rental lined up though. I'm afraid that if I move out, it'll be too easy for me to slowly exit the kids lives. It would probably be me slowly reducing how much time I have them until I rarely have them at all. They don't deserve an absent father. But I despise their mother. She's not a bad mother to the kids, it's just the lying, cheating and manipulation she has done to me. She controls our finances, and gets mad at me every time I've tried to take them over. Wussy doormat me always caves. I make way too much money to be this poor as a Software Engineer.

I often think my death, if I can make it look like an accident, would be best. I'd be free of this pain and misery, wife and kids would get life insurance money, and maybe they'd get a step-dad that can be emotionally present for them instead of this screwed up person they currently have. The day where the pain overrides the guilt is approaching and I'll try for that 'accidental' death.

[100footpole]

Thanks for being strong enough to share your thoughts here.

Sometimes it is easier to type than to talk

Here is a chatline you might want to try.

It is important to me that you don't give up. Please let us know what happens.

[Shineshelly]

My heart breaks in hearing about your deep sorrow. I sincerely believe your life is so precious and that you have been created to fulfill a purpose destined for you alone. I am sorry your attempts to receive help in the past have not improved your situation but please do not give up. You have so much to lose if you walk away now. Please consider reaching out for a free phone consultation through a wonderful organization that has helped my own family during crisis. 1-800-A-Family. I am praying for you and your family. Hang in there!

[100footpole]

readytogiveup,

I re-read your post, I still have no useful advice to give you.

Your threat is scary, I hope you will let us know if and when you feel differently.

This is How: Surviving What You Think You Can't is a book you might want to consider. I believe the author would say that the most important thing you can do is to preserve your life, that you cannot share your experiences with your children after you die, and that shared experience is what makes our lives richer. The author's experiences seem horrific enough that he has actually made a living telling about them.